It's A Wonderful Life is the Best Christmas Movie Ever No Contest Not Up for Debate End of Discussion

This movie. God, I love it. There's just nothing else that screams "It's Christmastime!" like watching George Bailey get pummeled by life at every turn. And within this most favorite of Christmas movies is one of my most favorite movie moments. Sometimes when watching this for the eighteenth time in a single season, I'll stop it after this point, just to save George some of the heartache afterwards, especially if I don't have the time to watch him all the way out of it. The moment I'm referring to is of course this:
 

 

 

 

 

 

Perfect.

If you don't immediately recognize the screenshot above, then I just don't even know what to do with you.

Merry Christmas.

In Which I Spend the Greater Part Complaining About a Show I Actually Like

I miss Connie Britton

In addition to sampling the new fall lineup, I've also been catching up on some shows I missed due to my lack of a television. Among the treasure trove of seasons past that is Netflix, I found the second season of American Horror Story: Asylum. I absolutely loved the first season, Murder House, as it did that difficult thing of making a legitimately scary show funny and enjoyable without being overtly corny. I was hoping the second go around would be just as, if not more amazing.

Alas.

Asylum is not that solid followup to an arguably flawless first season, and I think I know why that is for me. It's not the acting; that's damn near perfect. An increase in Jessica Lange screen time is just about the best decision any show can make (even if she is not, up to that point, even a part of said show). It's not the ambiance, that's still scary as hell. Plus, they kept that super creepy music for the intro which I believe is now the soundtrack for every terrorizing dream I've had since. So what is it?

It's the story. It's just not plain and simple enough, and in order for things to really be scary they have to be understood and have some point of base in fact and familiarity. Take this: were I to sum up the first season of American Horror Story I would say "a nice family moves into a house haunted by all the people who have ever died there." Easy. Simply. Scary as shit. So now I'll do it for the second season - "a young man is accused of killing a string of women, including his wife, and is sent to an asylum where a crazy-maybe-Nazi surgeon is experimenting on the inmates and also possibly there's an alien there and also I'm pretty sure one of the nuns is the devil and then there's Jessica Lange."

Even this kid is confused...and he's in the show!

Huh?

A couple things. First, taking something that is already scary (like an insane asylum) and making it...um...scary seems easy but in fact it's not. It kind of ruins the element of surprise; there's this expectation already that this is a creepy place so making it even creepier is difficult to do. Second, the concept is too ambitious. You've got aliens, which is a hard enough sell on their own, but now you've also got the devil himself (herself?) and to top it off there's a serial killer on the loose. And there's a Nazi doctor creating deranged, flesh eating monsters out of the patients. That's a lot.

I'll have what she's having.

It all lacks the subtlety and the impeccable timing that the first season had. It's all very in your face and hyper-sensationalized, hyper-real, hyper-sexual. Even the opening, with that music that is like the auditory representation of skin crawling, is too overdone. Murder House started out with seemingly mundane old (and yes, creepy) photos of small children, babies, mixed with fetal pigs in jars and some flames and then the pictures were a little more sinister, babies now in coffins with eyes closed, surgical instruments. It developed; it gave you that feeling that what you were looking at might otherwise be unimportant old pictures except you just know that there's something awful about them. In the opening to Asylum, there are people jumping out at you, walking backwards up the stairs, a nun crawling on top of an unwilling surgery patient. It's just so overt that there's no room to imagine all the ways this might become super scary because you've been presented with all the possibilities at once and when you know that what you see is what you get then you relax a little. No surprises here.

I've only just finished episode six, so to be fair there's a chance all these separate and seemingly convoluted plot points will seamlessly transition into one interconnected web of horror and gore and super scary stuff. I'm actually willing to stick around for this probability. Also, the show itself may feel like a mess in its entirety, but the parts are more than the sum. The acting is good, great even, and thank the gods for original programing that really puts in the effort to deliver something that illicits some kind of emotion, even if it doesn't always deliver the screams.

I'll keep watching, mostly because I do think it is a good show and a great concept for a series, but also because my standards are apparently dismally low. And you know, I have to give credit because this last episode "The Origins of Monstrosity" was actually really good. There was that amazing twist that feels so rewarding because they gave you every opportunity to figure it out beforehand. And then the reveal was like "Bam! Didn't see that one coming, but I should have. I really should have." That's the greatest kind of twist. I take it all back. I love this show.    

I'm a Terrible Person and Should Not Be Allowed to Live

It's Saturday, I have some free time on my hands and what am I doing with it? I'm hate-watching this:

Awful, awful show.

We've been through how I feel about this, and I'm going to continue to not only watch it but complain the entire time that it's the worst thing that has happened to television in...let's just say ever. It's so overdone, tacky clothes and tacky dialogue and tacky music - I can't stop watching. 

And it gets worse. At the same time I'm eagerly checking Hulu to see if a new episode of this accursed show has finally been released (and experiencing the painful disappointment when I realize it has that annoying little H+ in the corner, symbolizing that I've been denied access) I am also taking a disgustingly long time to read a real book with some real awards. This:

What is wrong with me?

According to my Kindle, I'm 46% of the way through this Prometheus Award winner and I can't seem to muster even a fraction of the urgency I feel to get to a new episode of a show I'm too embarrassed to admit to loved ones that I even know exists. On the one hand we have a Nebula Award winning novel by Margaret Atwood and on the other you have the latest attempt by the CW to promote what boils down to a lengthy music video for that one Lorde song.

Maybe it's more than just bad taste. There is something cathartic about junk TV, the same way it feels good to eat out of that big tub labelled "cheese balls" and drink boxed wine. It feels kind of good to just hate something while hoping against hope that you're wrong and it will turn out to be really awesome. And then it doesn't.

So, Margaret Atwood vs the CW:

CW 1

Atwood 0

I'm the worst.

Fall Shows I'm Trying to Like: Let's Just Wrap This Up

Also, my blog looks different. It was such a mess; why didn't anyone tell me? Plus, that wasn't even my desk anymore. I could just take a shot on my current desk, but between the used tissues, plate with toast crumbs and the backlight from a dirty window I just don't think that would be an improvement. What, clean up first? Please.

Almost Human

Bones, I love you too.

Because I can't get enough of Bones from the new Star Trek and that other guy somehow manages to look EXACTLY like what I imagine a cyborg would look like, I'm giving this show my stamp of approval. I mean, it's fun, the acting is exactly what it should be for this kind of show and there's some good action and mystery here to keep you coming back. If anything, it proves that I have no personal vendetta against Fox programing in general. Yes and yes.

The Wrong Mans

Adorable.

I love this show the same way you love a kitten with three legs. It's flawed, you can't really take it seriously as a danger, but darn it if you don't want to take it home and make it a bed out of a shoe box and an old cardigan. This is one of those Hulu original series that really hits the right note, a comedy with some mystery and light violence that almost makes it feel dangerous but not really. The synopsis: that skinny guy on the left answers a phone at the scene of a crash he's just witnessed and the man on the other end claims he will kill the hostage if the money isn't paid. What money? What hostage? This dude is barely able to get to work on time, there's just no way he's equipped to handle this level of intrigue. Enter the slightly less skinny guy on the right, the hilariously fervent and socially awkward office mail boy who's Kung Fu abilities may be all in his head but he's so confident and earnest that just maybe he'll accidentally knock someone out. It's cute, clever and just fun. 

Trophy Wife

Red leather shorts - I wish!

Aside from what may be described as an unhealthy ability to completely overlook the flaws in anything containing Bradley Whitford, I contend that this show is quality comedy. It's funny, that's the bottom line, but also there's a good built-in dynamic with the two ex wives being so opposite each other and always so present in the life of this new wife, plus the kids are also not annoying (which, again, is all I really ask in this world). It's just something you watch when you really don't have anything else to do and then you sit back and go "huh; I like this." Easygoing television. 

That's it. I'm tired of talking about TV instead of watching it, so... 

Also, pertaining to the visual representation of my blog here (because I know so many are interested), I'm open to suggestions or trite insults. Bring it on.  

 

Fall Shows I'm Trying to Like Part Two: Sleepy Hollow

Yeah, I'm going to just get right into it: I don't like this show. I don't overtly dislike it, I just don't like it. And I've given it plenty of time, like seven episodes, which is an adequate amount of time to really figure out if a show is making it on your watch list or not. What's confusing me about my own opinion here is other people's opinions.

People love this show!

Not one, but three friends have told me how much they enjoy it, how funny it is, how scary, how much they like the look of it. It's got a 7.8/10 on IMDB. This person says it's one of the season's three breakout hits. It already has a guaranteed second season. I don't understand, so I'm going to break it down in the hopes of finding out just where it goes wrong for me.

The Story:

Here's something: it's a little complicated. Just for reference, here is my previous experience with the notion  of Sleepy Hollow from childhood:

Classic Crane. 

And then there was this:

Ichabod got slightly, slightly sexier.

I'm going to go ahead and admit that I loved these previous two versions. Loved them. "Heads Will Roll" - hilarious. So from the start I am ready, excited even, to welcome a third installment into the Hall of Hollow. But this? Ichabod Crane in the future because his witch wife (no, like she has magic) preserved him until a time when the headless horsemen will return and usher in the apocalypse? Makes total sense. 

It's not the stretch, though. For someone who shamelessly and overtly loves Once Upon a Time, I can't stand on any grounds of requiring a simple or even believable plot. The time travel, the colonial flashbacks, the biblical references - this isn't my beef. It's got to be something else. 

The Characters:

I find the acting good. It's good. No one really annoys me here. If I may be a bit picky, the Crane accent kind of sticks out. In a kind of opposite way as Dracula, the British accent in a sea of American accents kind of feels...contrived? I understand it's meant to set him apart, as well as necessary for the whole historical accuracy thing, but mostly I think it's to really emphasize those moments where this guy is so adorably befuddled by this modern world (that sort of winking charm usually works on me, but in this instance I find myself scowling in a really unattractive, old biddy kind of way). 

He's fine, she's fine, those other two are okay.

Okay, so it's not really the story, or the characters, so what? I don't like Fox? I don't like TV as a whole? Why can't I just put my finger on what it is I don't like about this show? It's impossible; I'll never know. 

Actually, I know. I totally know. 

Chemistry. Specifically, there not being any. Not between Abbie and Crane, not between Crane and his wife Katrina, not between anyone and anyone else. And where's the interpersonal conflict? Crane and the Headless Horseman don't really have that intense rivalry and hatred that personalizes their fight, Abbie's defensive and standoffish attitude doesn't really cause specific problems for her, I have absolutely no burning desire to see Crane and his wife reunite (and I really, really want to want this); everything is just kind of lukewarm. The most dynamic character is Abbie's sister, who at least brings some intensity and a kind of friction into the mix. 

I feel nothing. Nothing.

Almost everyone I know is watching this show. Why I can't get into it, just relax and enjoy the tepid environment, is beyond me but the fact is I don't care. I don't care about what's happening and I don't have that feeling like if this happens, or that doesn't happen, I will just die. I want that feeling. 

Because I'm crazy. 

Fall Shows I'm Trying to Like Part One: Dracula

So, I really want to like this show. It meets a lot of my criteria: period piece, supernatural element, Jonathan Rhys Meyers. There's just something that's off about it. Or maybe, a few things.

First off, I don't like the back and forth with Meyer's accent. It's not that he isn't good at it, it's just that in a sea of refined British speakers any American sounds like a clumsy ox lumbering through the English language. I get that it's the character they've chosen to be played, but it nevertheless annoys me.

Second, the plot is slow moving and complicated. I like depth to my plots (Once Upon a Time is so thick with plot that I sometimes forget who is what and why for). But whereas Once makes sense, this storyline requires some disjointed leaps. Dracula is brought back to life to defeat a group of businessmen who are also in some weird cult and have done some terrible things like burning people alive. But instead of just killing them off one by one, as I would expect a bloodthirsty vampire would be apt to do, he's impersonating an American businessman introducing an alternate energy source to the coal which is where all these men have their money interest. Oh, and also these guys especially don't like vampires. And their ancestors may have made Dracula a vampire in the first place. 

Huh?

Thirdly, I realize we're going for a sexy vibe here, but is it really necessary that we have no less than two elaborate sexy times between the same two people every damn episode? Yeah, Dracula sleeping with the one female vampire hunter of the show is real tensey, but over and over and over? Really? I see what you're doing; I get it. Could someone else on this show have sex now? 

There are good things going on here. Visually, it's beautiful. The action is good. The acting is good; Jonathan Rhys Meyers perpetually looks as if he has just, or very soon will cry and yet I'm not annoyed by it. A chick vampire hunter and a virginal feminist have every potential to be eye-rollingly on point and overbearing, but they're not. 

Not annoying. 

I'm only four episodes in. It may be that some of the more confusing and/or annoying elements of the show will resolve themselves the further we go. If not, then not; I don't think it will prevent me from watching every week. It may be the costumes, it may be the overall dedication of the players, but there's enough going on here that I'm willing to make a concerted effort to ignore most of its faults and just like the thing. 

Plus, Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Duh. 

The CW Goes Medieval and That Rip in the Fabric of Time Thing Happens

Is this the worst thing to happen to television ever? I'll save you the trouble of thinking about it; yes it very much is. Why, god, why is it so hard for people in television to come together and make a good, accessible, medieval show that can also be available on Hulu or Netflix? Why? Game of Thrones, thank you; from the bottom of my heart you truly do make the world a better place, but for the love of corsets and man tights why can't I have something close to that level of period entertainment year round?

And who, exactly, was clamoring for a show about Mary, Queen of Scots to be made and marketed specifically for the tween audience? I mean, they don't know who this person is. They have no reference point; their knowledge of pop culture (formerly known as "history") doesn't even predate the first go around of Brittany Spears. I dare you to ask an average twelve-year-old girl how many wives Henry VIII had. In fact, simply ask them to identify a picture of him; you'll get the same blank stare.

Twelve-year-old girls have no idea who this guy is.

I mean, what's the point here? Are we trying to make 16th Century British Royals "cool" for the kids? Trying to slip in a little history lesson between Facebook updates and Googling pictures of...of...Bieber (Justin Bieber is still popular, right)? And if this is some weird attempt to teach something, then you're really missing the target on that one guys. I mean, look:

What is that supposed to be? I am no expert on textiles of Medieval history, but I suspect that is not a commonly occurring pattern in the 16th Century. Or even an uncommonly occurring pattern. I mean, what is that?

I nit-pick. But here's the thing: were the show actually good (decent script, good acting, a basic plot that goes beyond the predictable love triangle and the almost painful, clumsy attempt to introduce a supernatural component), I wouldn't care about the clothes. I wouldn't give two shades of grey about the historical accuracy. I just want a show that takes place in Medieval England Europe, the Isles, anywhere! And that doesn't suck. 

And just for the kids, this is Mary, Queen of Scots:

Really bad taste in men, as the story goes.

   

Austin Film Festival Retrospective: 2 Face

When people started talking about the live script reading of Vince Gilligan's 2 Face, I was thinking to myself "is there really enough there for that Batman villain to get a spinoff?" Ha - not really (actually really, but I'm too embarrassed to admit it now). Okay, in all honesty I did not know what people were talking about and hearing how long the line would be and how early I'd have to get there I was absolutely sure I wasn't going.

And then, of course, I went. Shocking twist!

Talking with people in line, I gathered enough information (without betraying my complete incompetence) to determine that this was a rather famously unproduced comedy script originally written in the 90's. I knew Will Ferrell was there to read for it (everyone knew Will Ferrell was there to read for it) and that was all I could get without blowing my cover.

Thanks to Slackerwood for this picture. Also, Slackerwood, may I use your picture?

The picture above should sufficiently answer your question as to whether waiting in line for two hours was worth the trouble. Without going into details (for fear of losing my life and those I love, I am forbade from details of any sort regarding this stage reading), I'll just say that it's been a while since I laughed so hard. And I'm pretty proud of how often and how hard I laugh. Others are usually just startled.

It's almost impossible at these film festivals (because I've been to two, you know) to determine what to go to and what you can miss without creating an endless void within oneself that will never be filled by anything else. In trying to nail down exactly what it was about this script reading that I was willing to devote four hours of my life (two standing hours) to it, I can only boil it down to this: Will Ferrell, Vince Gilligan, unproduced script. Should those three stars ever align again, I will be there.

Austin Film Festival Retrospective: Nebraska

Standing in line to see a live script reading of Vince Gillligan's 2 Face seems the perfect time for a quick review of something great from AFF 2013. Namely, Nebraska, a movie by Alexander Payne starring Will Forte (yes, movies make for strange bed fellows). Also strange: Forte was good. Like, so good that any hope I had left that The Falconer: The Movie would ever be a thing is all but completely shattered (thanks a lot, Payne). 

Also wonderful was the interview afterwards in which Zach Galifianakis (okay, not actually Zach Galifianakis, but come on; you go around looking like that and expect NOT to be called him?), did an expert job of allowing Forte's genuine personality to show us just how truly funny this guy is. And nice. Definitely a great festival this year; more on that later.

My feet hurt.

About Bikes in Chicago, BECAUSE I CAN!

I snapped this shot and then thought "man, if I didn't have a blog that was exclusively devoted to talking about writing then I'd blog the hell out if this!" Then after accessing my blog I realized my last post was in March. 

March! 

See, a blog isn't about anything if you're not blogging, and so I've decided that this will no longer be a blog exclusively about writing and dropping my phone in the toilet, but rather about whatever I feel is pertinent in the moment. Pertinent to me. In my moment. 

Me me me me me...

Right now, I'm in Chicago trying to figure out a way to necessitate renting a bike for the day. $7 for the whole day! That seems cheap! I mean, only 30 minutes at a time, but still! Did I pack shoes for this? Should I also rent a helmet? Are cars aware of these bikes or am I to just be mercilessly run over?

So, this is it from now on. Whatever I feel like putting here, goes here. Some of my readers will be upset (mom), some excited (mom), but most importantly there will be an actual blog to get either upset or excited about (only my mom reads this blog).

Carpe blog!

Writing Pilot in Three Days (FAIL)

Yes, fail. How one goes from writing seventy-five (that's 75, 7-5 or five and seventy) in three days to only getting through twenty one (21, 2-1, you get it) is beyond my understanding. Or is it? Surely there's a logical explanation, or at least something I could come up with that sounds reasonable.

There is.

Writing is rewriting. I say it over and over, I write it down (and rewrite it - ha! Ha?) but it doesn't quite make its way into the deep recesses of my psyche. The first time I wrote the pilot (see here and here), I was driven by the idea of finishing it. By any means necessary. Even if it sucked. And it did.

This second attempt was different. I wanted something more, something meatier, classy. I threw out everything I felt was gimmicky, plot-wise, and did my darndest to let the characters be likable or hate-able, and let that drive the story. That, my friends, is a lot harder to do. For me.

I'm a plot person. I like a lot of stuff going on, and I like it all to be happening to my main man, or woman. I'll never write a coming-of-age, or a complicated romance, or a subtle adult drama, or a subtle anything for that matter. Two people talking over coffee is my personal worst nightmare scene situation. I want running, jumping, exploding, throwing, laughing and blood all over the place all the time. At the same time, if possible.

This, however, poses some problems when putting my characters into the plot. That's right, that's how I look at it: I have to cram these people-things into my awesome story thing to make the awesome story things happen. So, clearly we can all see what's wrong here.

People don't see movies because of plot; they go to watch characters. These characters have to do something, but essentially we're just there to watch them, to root for them, to feel the things that they are feeling. You could make a movie out of someone buttering toast for two hours, as long as you made it clear that their commitment to the perfect toast was a life and death issue to them. And it should star Liam Neeson (just a suggestion).

Where was I going with this? The point I'm trying to make here, and subsequently force into my pea brain (at first I typed "pee brain" and I was like "that doesn't look right"), is that characters have to exist before the story does. You've heard it said that life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it. That's your story. Ten percent explosions, running, jumping, laughing, screaming, punching, blood spatter and ninety percent character choices.

There's a reason this is difficult. There's a reason most writers give up and never write. There's a reason that I only got twenty-one pages finished in three days, and a reason why each of those pages was intolerably painful and probably complete garbage. But writing is rewriting is writing. Keep saying it, and keep doing it, and one day it will make sense.

Maybe.

No, definitely. Think definitely.  

Writing a TV Pilot in Three Days

I'm doing it again. Same basic show, only much much better. Why, you ask? The virtues of writing the entirety of a given project in a set number of days (a small set, preferably) are not the least bit diminished by the fact that what you write in that short span of time will be complete and utter dreck. Not the least bit diminished.

Maybe slightly diminished.

Regardless. The fact remains that I have seventy-five pages of pure writing, whether or not any of those pages, paragraphs, sentences, or individual words are worth preserving is well beyond the point. However, since most of those pages are not worth saving, I've decided to start over. It's hard looking back at all the work that you were so proud of at the moment you finished and realizing that there's really, really not much to actually be proud of.

Fact: the first draft of pRN the TV pilot contains the following maladies...

1. Dialogue that mirrors precisely the action that is taking place;

2. Two people sitting there talking with nothing else going on;

3. Freeze frames;

4. Flashbacks;

5. Las Vegas, mob bosses, cross dressing, Celine Dion and general piss-poor dialogue.

So, yeah, a little left of focused on this one. I think the thought here was "more is more and less is boring." It's easy to just throw everything in on the first attempt, a kind of padding of the editing process. If I put a bunch of stuff in there that I only remotely care about, I can insulate my favorite parts from getting cut by me.

For this endeavor, I need to focus. What is this series about, or perhaps more importantly who is this series about? The highest mark you can hit with any series is to establish characters that people actually care about. What those characters do should be interesting too, but almost everything about the story should serve to illuminate the qualities of your individual characters.

Honestly, I'm crap at this. I like story, plot, structure and formula. My writing is cookie-cutter predictable with only the occasional slices of ingenuity and original humor. I'm good at making the story about something, but making it about someone proves more difficult. The something of this story is important to me, but the someone (or someones) needs to feel equally as important, because it is. That's what this draft is for.

So, here's how I've set myself up for success:

1. Outline is ready. It's a completely new outline, though it utilizes plot points from the previous outline.

2. Days are free. I've got three days in a row this week with nothing to do but write, and those around me are well aware that I will be unavailable (and probably highly irritable) during this time.

3. Fridge is full. Food goes in mouth, fingers go on keyboard. Important not to mix that up.

4. Apartment is clean. Kind of. I'm working on it.

5. Expectations are set. I've all but guaranteed those interested (mom) that I will have a second draft completed by the end of these three days. Failure or success; there's no middle ground here.

Let's do this. Tuesday. Because I work tomorrow, so... 

List of Possible Factors Contributing to Successful Completion of Television Pilot

As previously mentioned here, I wrote a TV pilot. In three days. Impressed? You should be (seriously, be impressed; you've no idea how much I seek your approval). Being that my success in this matter defies the very conventions of writers everywhere (that is, deferring any actual writing until it becomes absolutely necessary, and then procrastinating), I have compiled a list of possible contributing factors that may have been influential to my success. They may also have nothing to do with it. But lists are my favorite!

Also, I'm going to present this list in such a way that it appears to be a fool-proof method by which anyone may produce the same results, specifically write a TV pilot in three days. I don't mean to imply that there is any guarantee this will work, but the inference might mistakenly be made.

A Fool-Proof Method by Which Anyone May Produce a TV Pilot in Three Days. Guaranteed.

1. Clean your space. I don't mean tidy up a bit, I mean tidy up, sweep, dust, dishes done, bathroom hairless, sinks unclogged and living space feng shui'ed. 
2. Tell everyone what you're about to do. Text, email and tweet this madness; make sure everyone knows you are unavailable, even in emergencies. 
3. Stock the kitchen. I don't mean have a loaf of bread and some peanut butter on hand, I'm talking real oatmeal, spinach salads, pasta, fruit, granola and yogurt - you're not going to send yourself into a sugar coma and sleep for hours, so you need actual sustainable nutrition. You need to stock up because...
4. You're not leaving the house. "But I write better in nature," "I like my coffee shop," "I need an audience;" no, you don't. You're going to sit there, at your desk, on your couch or in front of that window that overlooks the lake until you are finished. Then, and only then, may you rejoin civilization and be among its people.
5. Want it. None of this works unless you really want it. Want it like you need it, like it's the one thing that is going to give your life meaning. Okay, maybe not your whole life, but the next few months at least. Because you're going to be editing this thing for the next few months (don't think about that right now; just get it done). 

That's pretty much it. I mean, I don't know; this could have been a fluke, but that is pretty much exactly what I did and it worked. Ultimately, and contrary to everything you've read up to now, I'm not actually advocating this as the one true way to go about it. I think what I'm saying here is I found a system that made sense to me and has brought success. Other systems haven't worked, this one did. Find your system. Figure out what works for you; just figure something out, because it's too important and you want it too much to just not write it. 

Want it. Write it. Do it. My way - wait, no - your way. Yeah. Your way. 

And On the Third Day, She Had A Television Pilot

I just wrote a pilot. In three days. I don't mean I had an idea for a pilot, or I'm working on a pilot; what I mean to say is exactly this: I have a pilot. It's here, on this computer. I wanted to write one, I set aside time to write it and at the end of that predetermined time period it was written. Just like that. This leaves me with only one question:

How did I do this?

The great illusion about writers is that most of us who claim to be writers don't actually write. I mean, we write, of course we do; allow me to rephrase: we don't finish things. I can't tell you how many scripts I have saved on my computer with just a first act, or even two acts, and some seem to be completed but don't make any earthly sense. Finishing things is hard. Which brings me back to my question: how did I do this?

Let me set the stage. In October I had an idea for a television show. I threw it out to a few friends and even a couple strangers, all of whom seemed genuinely interested in this idea. So I stuck it on the mental shelf for January, because that's when you start new things you think to do in October. Plus I was finishing another project which was never going to get finished.

As an aside, it is okay to find yourself in the middle of a movie script going "there's nothing here" and just scrap it; don't waste your time and energy if it's not working. However, if you consistently find yourself doing this then you have a problem, and it is most likely with your story. It's not good, and nobody cares. Or rather, it's not good because nobody cares. If you don't care enough to finish, then why do I care enough to watch the thing?

And we're back. In January my previous project was still unfinished (spoiler alert: it will never be finished), so I decided to start brainstorming the TV show in February. February 1st, on the dot, I sat down and began laying the groundwork for what would become a detailed spreadsheet of information about this show, including a character list, broad Act outline, beat sheet and a Questions and Answers section (where I, you guessed it, asked myself questions that then I myself answered them).

Looking at my work schedule I realized that the last week of February was absolutely screwed, so to keep with my original intention of having a rough draft by March 1st I would have to write this thing soon. I had a three day window of nothingness, so I took it. I shirked every other responsibility, ate like a moron, still showered (I feel that is important to note since many writers don't feel that is important) and at the end I had the thing I most desired: my pilot. My beautiful, 74 page pilot (I know, I know; I'll cut stuff out in rewrites).

You know what else is crazy? This is the third day. Right here. Now. It's day three, I've already finished my pilot and I'm still writing stuff. I have got to get to the bottom of this! I mean, what the hell? Where was this...ever? If I wrote seven pages in a single day I'd be like "wow, look at you, you big writer genius," and for the past three days I've averaged about 25 pages. Twenty-five (25). Five and twenty.

If I can figure this out, if I can dissect and define the impetus to this seemingly impossible surge of literal energy then what can't I accomplish? I mean, literally speaking; I'm not going to go run a marathon or something, those people are crazy. It's just so strange that this uncontrollable feeling to write doesn't directly translate to the act of writing stuff. And when it does, I'm so baffled by it.

For the good of myself, and those like myself (generally speaking), I will identify and compose a list of contributing factors that I believe led to this great accomplishment (I sometimes wonder if real writers ever stumble upon this blog and then get really pissed when I talk like this). I'm going to figure this voodoo out!  List pending.

Dropped Phone in Toilet, Hoping Rice Will Fix (UPDATED)

So, my phone is in here:

Because I dropped it in here:

                                       [toilet photo not found; probably disgusting anyway]
           
                                     

If my life is a screenplay, this would be the "dark night of the soul" bit.

UPDATE: 1/28/13 at 2:54pm

It lives! My phone is restored, everything works, the laws of physical science do not apply. How is this possible? Let's look at a step-by-step of what went down:

Wednesday: Dropped phone in toilet. Freaked out, but did not cry. Shoved phone into bag of rice (half wild rice, half Uncle Ben's instant).

Thursday: Heard my phone receive a text message, pulled it out of rice to find that it was indeed receiving alerts, but the touch screen was not responding. Shoved phone back into rice bag, began planning my life as a wandering nomad incapable of communicating with the world around me.

Friday: Watched a few YouTube videos of toilet phone people chronicling their attempts to revive the device, one of which advocated putting the phone up to the vacuum hose to suck the water out before putting in bag of rice. Thought the kid was stupid, followed his advice anyway.

Saturday: Touch screen is working, phone looks fine. Still too scared to move it out of the magic rice, so left phone in there for another day.

Sunday: Phone works. Took out of rice for the whole day, used with care. No problems.

Monday: Phone still working. Siri still stupid as hell, but phone working. Mind blown, fundamentals of science and technology tumbled.

Only one question remains: what else can a bag of rice fix? Have we explored this item to its full potential, because it's no good as food (rice is completely pointless as a food; it's like the sand of food). The next time anything around me breaks or malfunctions, I'm shoving it in a bag of rice; in fact, I might as well just start preemptively storing everything I own in bags of rice. What if it heals ailments? Aching feet? Bag of rice. Carpal tunnel? Bag of rice. Trick knees, tennis elbow, acne, wrinkles - I'm just going to start bathing in the stuff.

To rice!

An Unsolicited and Probably Unnecessary Commentary on the British TV Show Robin Hood

Let's just get one thing out of the way here. I watch this show:

It's British, it's costumes; I can't really resist both of those things together.

So, now that that's established and we're all clearly over it, I shall commence with being very particular about why I feel jilted. And I do, very much so, feel jilted.  Oh, and I hardly have to say it but if you plan on watching this show and potentially enjoying it, then read no further because I will ruin that for you.

#1 Problem: this guy. I hate to point fingers, but this is Robin Hood? This is the same problem I had with Legend of the Seeker (trust me, it's as painful to write that as it is for you to read it); you pick these men to play mythical larger-than-life heroes and they look like underwear models. I don't mean the big burly Hanes models either, I mean the half-emaciated, Calvin Klein, should-be-carrying-a-shot-tray-at-a-gay-bar kind of body construct. What is with the British and these small leads? And I could overlook this size issue if the character itself were spot on, but not even that feels right. Robin Hood defied a kingdom, raised an army out of nobodies, lured people to live with him in the woods (now this is sounding creepy); women wanted to be with him, men wanted to be him - it takes a very specific set of criteria to inspire this kind of worship: charm, charisma, a cool head in dangerous situations. This Robin Hood spends most of his time with this pained look on his face or shouting at whoever is in front of him. Seriously, he shouts a lot in this show. He shouts at Maid Marian, and he's supposed to loooove her.

#2 Problem: Maid Marian. I take particular issue with shows that use female characters as indecisive ninnies who manage to screw everything up and are in perpetual need of being rescued. To the show's credit, they tried to represent Marian as an independent fighter with a heart for the people when they made her the Night Watchman, but even then she could barely make a food drop without creating problems for Robin and the gang. And for the love of god, just have the woman make up her mind. Yes, love triangles are interesting but they're also lazy writing, and I'm glad that women are given this free pass to change their minds ad nauseum and no one dares say a word about it, but sometimes women just know who they want to be with and they make that happen. Her reasons for staying in the castle and the constant buttering up of Sir Guy were shoddy plot work at best.

#3 Problem: The bad guy is waaaaay hotter than the good guy. Sir Guy looks like he could kick Robin's ass three ways to Sherwood and still have time to dry clean his pleather. Seriously, runny eyeliner and all, this Sir Guy character is impossible to root against. Maid Marian sees this dude every day in the castle and she's still (mostly) loyal to Robin? I don't think so. Not buying it.

#4 Problem: Not buying this one, either. Maybe it all comes back to my not really seeing the attraction of our lead outlaw, but Maid Marian is cold for maybe two minutes before Robin gets hot and heavy with Isabella who turns out to be bad so he sort of settles for Kate? Um, no. Here's what you don't want to see: A dude get married. In that same episode that dude's wife is murdered. In the next episode that dude is kissing another chick. Within five episodes that same dude is kissing yet another chick. And the way it happened was just a mess. Kate joins the gang. Much likes her, Alan does not. Clearly, so clearly, this is Alan's girl. Instant chemistry between those two characters; you can see it a mile away and yet they throw her on Robin. It's so forced. She's like "Robin, I like you," and he's all "You do? Oh, well, okay; yeah, this could work." Come on.

But don't worry BBC professionals, this amateur writer has got it all worked out for you. Take these notes, give it five years, then relaunch the series and watch the ratings soar. Trust me: I watch a lot of TV.

First, this is your new Robin Hood:

This guy played Archer, Robin's half brother, for a few episodes in Series 3. He's got the build of a Robin Hood, a way better outfit, and he's super witty. Most importantly, he has a killer smile and he doesn't shout. NO MORE SHOUTING!

Next, I need to see way more of these people:

The Sheriff. This guy is a genius. It wasn't really fair that he should slave away at catching Hood for two whole seasons and then he's benched until the end of series 3. No, you keep him all the way through. Also, he looks a bit like Billy Joel. Just saying.

Much is probably the most underutilized character in all of TV history. He's funny; I'd much rather spend time with him than the former Robin Hood (that guy was always so tense; always shouting). And to not give him a chick is just cold. I know he had that one episode, but come on. Kate and Much, way better match. Think about it.

Why did we wait until series 3 to bring out Prince John, because he was amazing (and then he just disappeared again)? This guy was a complete psycho. Thoroughly entertaining.

Isabella. Come on. Best character ever. Way better than Maid Marian, blows Kate out of the water. Take a hint from Sherlock and draw out the sexual tension between her and Robin to the bitter end, and then don't blow her up; get them together.

In addition to the above changes, I would like to see the following: Little John gets his family back, Will and Jack return for finale, more archery contests (duh!), more clever forest traps (I want people falling into leaf-covered pits, being strung up in nets, arrows released by tripwire, Robin's merry men swinging from more trees), Sir Guy lives (did you see him in North and South? Go watch that. It's great), and either completely eliminate the Maid Marian character or give her a freaking spine. Seriously, so annoying. 

I'm finished.

Stuck In The Second Act

Ugh...

Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to be stuck anywhere in the writing process since it is confirmation that I am at least in the process of writing something. And to someone who has no motivation beyond the inner need to create stories, having no promise of economical or even social gain from said stories, to be involved in the act of writing is almost a miracle.

For the fifth time I am writing the first draft of my alien script, and through shear force of will this is the draft that makes it all the way. Is it the best possible scenario for these characters? Is this plot the greatest I could must? I have no idea. But I like it, and through the editing process (which I am trying hard not to think about due to its paralyzing effect on my creativity) I hope that this will eventually be the best version of this current version.

First drafts are exciting - they're like this anything-goes kind of storytelling. You put something down and you're like "that's not very good," or "that's much too far-fetched" and it's okay because you know you have months and months of exhaustive rewrites ahead of you in which to fix these problems. Go for the gusto, veer from the outline, make implausible statements and then follow them up with incongruent character action. Why not? it's a rough draft! Fix it later; consequences don't exist here!

As much as the editing process can hamper your creativity in this early stage, it should also remain a tiny reminder that you can't just do whatever you want in this script and expect there to be something worth saving at the end. I made an outline for a reason, and even though for the most part I have wholly abandon that outline, I still must keep in mind that my self of two months in the future would be very grateful to my self of the present if I'd try and keep it as close to a set course as possible and avoid going off the deep end.

But going off the deep end is so fun! It's almost what makes writing the stupid thing worthwhile in the first place. Why not go off the deep end? Aren't there too many movies out there who just play it safe, making themselves predictable and worn and dated? It's expected of us now, to go to outlandish extremes to create a story that entertains and enlightens. No one wants what they expect from a movie, they want surprise twists and unforeseen turns - things happening that their minds couldn't possibly have conceived possible!

But it's all a trick, isn't it? People want to be surprised, but satisfied at the same time. It's easy to surprise an audience (aha! They were all dreaming the whole time!), but to make the surprise meaningful, to allow the audience to lean back and say "ah, of course! I should have seen that coming." To be delighted with surprise, not hoodwinked; that's the tricky part. And that's why second acts suck.

Second acts are the breeding ground of setups and payoffs. You're paying off those little setups from the beginning, just to prove to the audience that you know what you're doing, but mostly they are for the purpose of setting up your big finale, which will show the audience that not only are you a genius, but you know exactly what they want to see and you're going to give it to them even before they realize it's what they want in the first place.

Read the audience's mind, realize that what they want isn't really what they want, figure out what they really want instead and make that happen. It's just that simple.

And the second act is where it happens. A good second act has all the answers, only you don't know it until the very end. It's a forecast of what is to come, without it the beginning can't be justified and the ending just wouldn't make any sense. It's the hardest, takes the longest, and in the end is the most rewarding part of the whole darn thing.

This is not the time to give up and move on to another project; this is what the whole thing is for. Press on, move ahead, don't stop believin' and after months and months of daunting, crippling and soul-crushing rewrites that second act will all be worth it. The whole script will be worth it. To you. And maybe no one else, but don't think about that right now.