An Unsolicited and Probably Unnecessary Commentary on the British TV Show Robin Hood

Let's just get one thing out of the way here. I watch this show:

It's British, it's costumes; I can't really resist both of those things together.

So, now that that's established and we're all clearly over it, I shall commence with being very particular about why I feel jilted. And I do, very much so, feel jilted.  Oh, and I hardly have to say it but if you plan on watching this show and potentially enjoying it, then read no further because I will ruin that for you.

#1 Problem: this guy. I hate to point fingers, but this is Robin Hood? This is the same problem I had with Legend of the Seeker (trust me, it's as painful to write that as it is for you to read it); you pick these men to play mythical larger-than-life heroes and they look like underwear models. I don't mean the big burly Hanes models either, I mean the half-emaciated, Calvin Klein, should-be-carrying-a-shot-tray-at-a-gay-bar kind of body construct. What is with the British and these small leads? And I could overlook this size issue if the character itself were spot on, but not even that feels right. Robin Hood defied a kingdom, raised an army out of nobodies, lured people to live with him in the woods (now this is sounding creepy); women wanted to be with him, men wanted to be him - it takes a very specific set of criteria to inspire this kind of worship: charm, charisma, a cool head in dangerous situations. This Robin Hood spends most of his time with this pained look on his face or shouting at whoever is in front of him. Seriously, he shouts a lot in this show. He shouts at Maid Marian, and he's supposed to loooove her.

#2 Problem: Maid Marian. I take particular issue with shows that use female characters as indecisive ninnies who manage to screw everything up and are in perpetual need of being rescued. To the show's credit, they tried to represent Marian as an independent fighter with a heart for the people when they made her the Night Watchman, but even then she could barely make a food drop without creating problems for Robin and the gang. And for the love of god, just have the woman make up her mind. Yes, love triangles are interesting but they're also lazy writing, and I'm glad that women are given this free pass to change their minds ad nauseum and no one dares say a word about it, but sometimes women just know who they want to be with and they make that happen. Her reasons for staying in the castle and the constant buttering up of Sir Guy were shoddy plot work at best.

#3 Problem: The bad guy is waaaaay hotter than the good guy. Sir Guy looks like he could kick Robin's ass three ways to Sherwood and still have time to dry clean his pleather. Seriously, runny eyeliner and all, this Sir Guy character is impossible to root against. Maid Marian sees this dude every day in the castle and she's still (mostly) loyal to Robin? I don't think so. Not buying it.

#4 Problem: Not buying this one, either. Maybe it all comes back to my not really seeing the attraction of our lead outlaw, but Maid Marian is cold for maybe two minutes before Robin gets hot and heavy with Isabella who turns out to be bad so he sort of settles for Kate? Um, no. Here's what you don't want to see: A dude get married. In that same episode that dude's wife is murdered. In the next episode that dude is kissing another chick. Within five episodes that same dude is kissing yet another chick. And the way it happened was just a mess. Kate joins the gang. Much likes her, Alan does not. Clearly, so clearly, this is Alan's girl. Instant chemistry between those two characters; you can see it a mile away and yet they throw her on Robin. It's so forced. She's like "Robin, I like you," and he's all "You do? Oh, well, okay; yeah, this could work." Come on.

But don't worry BBC professionals, this amateur writer has got it all worked out for you. Take these notes, give it five years, then relaunch the series and watch the ratings soar. Trust me: I watch a lot of TV.

First, this is your new Robin Hood:

This guy played Archer, Robin's half brother, for a few episodes in Series 3. He's got the build of a Robin Hood, a way better outfit, and he's super witty. Most importantly, he has a killer smile and he doesn't shout. NO MORE SHOUTING!

Next, I need to see way more of these people:

The Sheriff. This guy is a genius. It wasn't really fair that he should slave away at catching Hood for two whole seasons and then he's benched until the end of series 3. No, you keep him all the way through. Also, he looks a bit like Billy Joel. Just saying.

Much is probably the most underutilized character in all of TV history. He's funny; I'd much rather spend time with him than the former Robin Hood (that guy was always so tense; always shouting). And to not give him a chick is just cold. I know he had that one episode, but come on. Kate and Much, way better match. Think about it.

Why did we wait until series 3 to bring out Prince John, because he was amazing (and then he just disappeared again)? This guy was a complete psycho. Thoroughly entertaining.

Isabella. Come on. Best character ever. Way better than Maid Marian, blows Kate out of the water. Take a hint from Sherlock and draw out the sexual tension between her and Robin to the bitter end, and then don't blow her up; get them together.

In addition to the above changes, I would like to see the following: Little John gets his family back, Will and Jack return for finale, more archery contests (duh!), more clever forest traps (I want people falling into leaf-covered pits, being strung up in nets, arrows released by tripwire, Robin's merry men swinging from more trees), Sir Guy lives (did you see him in North and South? Go watch that. It's great), and either completely eliminate the Maid Marian character or give her a freaking spine. Seriously, so annoying. 

I'm finished.