Pretend Greatness (or, Fake It 'Til You Make It)

I went to a drum recital the other night (it's not a long story, but..). The youngest kids were up first, and completely dominated the place, just rocking away and enjoying it the whole time. I enjoyed watching them. Then the kids started getting older and a funny thing happened: I started enjoying it less. Sure, the cute factor was slightly lacking, but it was more than that. Then a girl, probably like seventeen, got up to sing and the transition became complete.

In the course of one hour there was a crowd shift from blissful enjoyment (aided by alcohol - only in Austin are drum recitals held at a full bar) to uncomfortable straining to disguise your dislike of what was going on. The only thing I can pin it on is the fact that the singer herself was so unbearably self-conscious, just standing there being pitchy with this quiver in her voice, that it created this air of awkwardness.

So, what is the difference between a four year old playing the drums moderately well and a seventeen year old singing moderately well? Why did I enjoy the clanging of this tiny person versus the teenager who Paula may have let slip through the first round of American Idol (oh yes, I just went old school Idol on you all)? Confidence. That tiny drummer could have run confidence circles around that girl and never missed a tiny beat. He smiled, he made eye contact with the crowd, he created an illusion of greatness merely by believing it himself. That kid was a drummer. She was just trying to sing.

So, at long last, I'll bring this back around to writing. I dislike describing myself as a writer to people because I feel all the falseness of it at once. To me, you're not a writer until you've actually made some money at it. When I graduated nursing school I didn't even tell people I was nurse; when they asked I would always say "I just graduated nursing school." When I started my job, that's when I really felt like a nurse. But writing isn't nursing.

Duh.

In writing, there is no penalty for mistakes. No one is going to die if you go out on a limb and try something new. And you can change your mind an infinite amount of times, so if something isn't working just go back and change it. Don't be like that girl who tepidly sings her song that was popular seven years ago, just barely scraping by with moments here and there that don't suck. Go. All. Out. Be like that freaking four year old who just banged on his drums and forced the bassist to modify the beat time and again, but who loved every minute of it and had the crowd enjoying every minute of it.

Basically, fake greatness. Don't be paralyzed by incision; don't back off the mic every time there's a high note, just go for it. You should be able to hit those notes because you did it a thousand times in practice. Practice! You're a writer, so get writing. Going around being afraid of telling people you're a writer is really just you being afraid to hold yourself to the expectation that a writer must write to maintain that title, so if you're going to call yourself a writer you pretty well better be writing.

I pretty well better be writing.

I spend 36-40 hours a week nursing. That pretty much definitely makes me a nurse. If I spent half that much time each week writing, I would have no problem telling people I'm a writer. Am I a great writer? No. I'm not a great nurse, either - I haven't been doing it long enough to be great at it. But I still call myself a nurse because I will be a great nurse; it's only a matter of time and repetition. If I want to be a great writer I need to do the same. You don't become something because you're great at it, you become something, you do it over and over and over and then you become great at it.  

The Avengers and Writing Killer Dialogue

First off, The Avengers was pretty much everything I could have ever hoped for. I mean, think of how difficult this thing must have been to write - you've got like seven main characters with built-in backstories that you have to honor and also super powers (most of them) that you have to showcase, oh and also you have to defeat some bad guy which is the point of the film in the first place. And make it funny. And action-packed with a purpose. That's a lot of hyphens for one paragraph.

That Iron Man is so punchy

So, of course, after seeing this I was like "I am hereby going to lock myself in my apartment until I have completed my script to the standards by which The Avengers was held." Obviously I'm known for my practicality, just ask my friends who were around to experience my gluten-free, sugar-free vegan diet plan. But as soon as you make a resolution to do anything that requires complete solitude, your pesky friends come a'calling on you to make with the social graces. Furthermore, they were armed with beer and German sausage. I was powerless. 

 Easy Tiger on 6th - this is where I was last night, blatantly enjoying myself

So I wrote off the evening as a wash. Then a funny thing happened. Math happened. Now, most of the time, math is not something I find funny. Numbers are hard; I prefer words. But when my friend started talking it was all quantum physics, M-theory, black holes stuff, which I find infinitely (math reference) interesting. Then another thing happened. He started to sound familiar to me. He was getting excited talking about dimensions and possibilities, using big words and wide eyes to get his point across, and it was then I realized who this guy was. He's my scientist! He's my alien-obsessed, math whiz, cat crazy lab dweller from the script I am currently writing. Suddenly, I'm elated.

Reasons for elation:

1. This guy doesn't sound like me, he sounds like my character; that means my character doesn't sound like me, which is super important.

2. This is like free dialogue here - I'm basically getting hand fed lines upon lines of postulations and basic science talk that I can rework and use in my script.

3. I figured out my character's fatal flaw - pride. He over thinks things because he's like the most genius of all geniuses and nobody else could possibly understand him. The origin of the aliens, a fundamental question, couldn't possibly be a simple answer, so he will complicate the crap out of it, therefore postponing the solution to the problem. 

I think the point I'm coming to here is that locking oneself in a room is occasionally a very effective way of actually getting parts of your script written, but human interaction and basic mind rest is essential to the creative process. You need to hear how other people talk - interesting people, boring people, old people, young people, red people, blue people, one people, two people. People that don't sound like you, or other characters you've either seen in movies or read in a book.

Completely original characters with completely original ways of thinking and acting and speaking are out there. They're real people. With math degrees. Doctorate math degrees. Crazy. 

Embracing the Suck

I would just like to start out by saying that I am in love with this blog. Scott Myers is my online boyfriend and he likes me just the way I am (my apologies to Myers, who has no idea who I am). In my endeavor to get back into consistent screenwriting after a hiatus I completely and wholly blame on nursing school (you stole years of my life!), I am finding it even more difficult than I had anticipated. I've been writing, in some capacity, since I was a pint-sized homeschooler with a lot of free time and a lot of dress up clothes. Why so difficult now?

Because I suck.

No, honest to god, I'm not exaggerating, and under normal circumstances I have a very healthy self-esteem (I'm pretty much the best person I know). However, I am keenly aware that my screenplays are no better than the sound "bleck" makes, largely due to the fact that I only have two completed screenplays under my belt. Actually, three screenplays, but the first one doesn't really count since it is pretty much worse than suck. I had to work my way up to suck.

Getting into the habit of screenwriting is difficult right now for the same reason that keeping a regular exercise routine is difficult - I look like an idiot! I look like an idiot on paper, I look like an idiot in my Target workout shorts when everyone else is wearing Nike. I have virtually no balance, I don't know what half of those weight machines are even supposed to do and every time the instructor calls out a different yoga pose I have to stealthily look around me to find out what the crap she's talking about and pray to god it looks like something I can actually do (for those of you who can "flip your dog," how the hell are you doing that)?

So, I exercise in private as much as I can. After four months of consistent bodily punishment, I now occasionally look like I know what I'm doing. I also feel better and look better, even though I am still a far cry from the body I want. Same with screenwriting. I'm years, yeeeears away from where I want to be, but the only way of getting there is to do it. Time is not going to just take care of me, I have to put in the work. And where screenwriting is concerned, I have a terrible work ethic. Sporadic, unfocused, and demoralizing because I know, I feel, I hate how much I suck.

So I must embrace the suck. Write the suck, show my suck to trusted individualized who will try to ease the pain of the suck by lying to me about the extent of my suck.

To sucking!

(Be sure to read the May 3rd post from the blog link above for a much, much better representation of what  I've been trying to say here).

By the way, sucking is a lot easier when you do it with a tasty bakery sandwich on a clear, spring morning.