This Is How I Do

Every year, in every single AFF panel, the question comes up:

"How do you write stuff?"

Of course, the exact wording changes; it gets sneakier and turns into "can you expand on the writing process you used to bring That Movie, or That TV Show to life," which is basically still asking the same question of "how do you write?" Which is a question that annoys me for two reasons:

1. The question itself is annoying because if you're asking that question I make the immediate assumption that what you really want to know is "how can you tell me to write so that it feels easier" and

 2. I am always underwhelmed and frustrated by the answer, which almost always amounts to a floundering run around of "if you don't know how to write, then I don't know what to tell you."

Well, guess what; because I just finished my TV pilot script and subsequently am feeling the kind of power that I imagine only ever truly belongs to leaders of certain communist countries, I am going to reveal the secret to you.

This secret of how you write stuff.

Ahem. Correction. This is how I do it, and it happens to work. Mostly.

Feeling good. Putin good.

Step 1: You get an idea
This I cannot help you with, but basically you want someone (hopefully interesting and dynamic) to want something (hopefully really really badly) and then things happen (hopefully big crazy things) to prevent that person from getting that thing.

Step 2: You write up a treatment
I'm not exactly sure what the current industry standard of a treatment is, but for me a treatment is a five to seven page narrative of your entire story. This happens, then this happens, then this happens and so on. You name people and places and establish a basic beginning, middle and end to the thing. There's no pressure to this step; you're just letting the idea flow and writing down whatever comes to mind. You can always write another treatment. For my latest script, I went through three different treatments before really getting what I wanted. This is also the thing you want to run past your friends, family and whoever else will listen because those people's faces will tell you whether or not you've got a good story here. Don't listen to their words, look at their faces!

Step 3: To the spreadsheets!
I love spreadsheets. Spreadsheets for everything! I have a spreadsheet of every article of clothing in my closet, from the color to the fabric to where I bought it. Why, you ask? Because I love spreadsheets. The particular spreadsheet I use came courtesy of an astoundingly amazing friend of mine and I believe it is fashioned after the Blake Snyder beat sheet, but any spreadsheet will do as long as it encompasses a basic three act structure (or four or five act, depending on what you're writing) and includes basic hallmarks of a script (setup, catalyst, b-story, midpoint, all is lost, finale, that kind of stuff). There's plenty of resources out there for this, so get Googling.

Step 4: More spreadsheets!
Seriously, and I cannot stress this enough, spreadsheets are the answer to everything. Money problems? Spreadsheet. Relationship issues? Spreadsheet that shit. Can't decide where to eat for dinner? Spread dot Sheet dot Done. Trying to write a script? Take the step 3 spreadsheet and expand. This second spreadsheet is basically a forty to fifty scene chronological breakdown of precisely what is going to happen in your story. Every scene is described in the order in which it will appear. Mine is a three column, fifty row affair that is color coded by Act. In the first column is a description of what happens in that scene, the second column is for stating the purpose of the scene and the third column is for notes that usually address alternatives to the proposed scene (maybe Lucy punches Doug in the face, but what if Harriet punched him instead), or bits of dialogue.

Because you get to change things. Throughout these first four steps, everything is negotiable, everything is up for debate, mostly with yourself. You can make up your mind, then change it, then flip it around and turn it into an omelet - whatever you want. And enjoy this freedom, because it ends as soon as you get to...

Step 5: Write the damn script
Pull up your Fade In, or Final Draft or Celtx or whatever it is you're using at the time and lay it side by side with your step 4 spreadsheet and stick to the damn plan! You are done making choices and being critical; your job now is to write this thing and to write it as quickly as possible. Ignore the doubts, ignore the part of you that keeps saying "this is crap, this is crap, this is utter crap" and continue with what you're doing. This is why you don't make changes at this stage, because the sheer weight of what you are about to do is paralyzing enough that you don't need to be grappling with whether or not you're writing the best version of your story. Of course you're not writing the best version of your story; this draft will end up total shit! Expect it, accept it. Because you can wish in one hand and write a pile of shit draft in the other and guess which will get you a script first?

When you've finished your draft, give it to those people in your life who you give writerly stuff to. Make them read it. Take your lumps. Be grateful. And celebrate; you just wrote a script! Congratulations! That's huge! Go you, go me, go everyone. Now get out there and do it!

Do it so you can feel good. Putin good.

On Women and Having it All

I'm going to make this brief because I can't even believe we're still having this conversation but whatever. Can women really have it all?

Yes.

Yeah, but really, like, can they "have it all?"

Yes. Yes they can.

Okay, hear me out here though: having it all...women...?

Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Hypothetical conversations with myself are how I answer all of life's big questions. Of course, by now this is a truth so universally acknowledged that I'm baffled when the question is still posed. Baffled, I tell you! And I don't mean posed by the media, because they'll keep beating a dead horse until decomposition spreads its bits across this green earth; I mean when posed by actual people I know to other actual people I know, or even to me by some very, very foolish individuals.

There's built-in metaphors for this kind of thing, for seemingly limiting the number of activities we are allowed to participate in at any one point in time. "She's got a lot on her plate," or "She's juggling a lot of stuff right now," or "a bird in the hand is worth two in the" - okay not that one, but definitely those first two. Where is this plate? Why am I suddenly a circus performer? If nonsensical metaphors are just up for grabs here, then give me all the plates and all of those juggler baton thingys because I'm going to fill everything with Halloween candy and throw it in the air and keep it all moving because I have fifty arms with twelve hundred fingers and I'm made of Valyrian steel and no one can stop me!

See, it just gets real out of hand real quick.

Let's not speak in metaphor. Let's just say that someone is a mother and a career woman and in her free time enjoys writing and baking and Tae Kwon Do. And then let's all collectively not act shocked because, frankly, there's not much shocking about that. Substitute the martial arts for running or yoga or Cross Fit and this actually describes a lot of women I personally know. This is not some kind of anomaly; this is the new standard. The rest of us are actually behind.

It's never been my experience that someone looks at a man who has kids and is successful in his job and also finds time to workout and brew his own beer and just goes "Wow; I don't know how he does it." I want someone to walk into the Weinstein Company and pitch a movie where Bradley Cooper plays a remarkable man who is the breadwinner for his family and still finds time to read bedtime stories to his kids and have a fulfilling personal life. You'd be laugh/coughed straight out of the office (when I picture the Weinsteins, they look like the grumpy old men from the Muppets, so they cough a lot; I have absolutely no reason for this). There's no story there. Just like there's no story here:

Do laundry, schedule a meeting and check mail? My god, she's an android kill her!!!

I didn't set out to bash a stupid movie from 2011, and I feel a little bad about throwing it to the wolves considering I've never seen it. Then I watched a clip on IMDB and I swear to god I will burn every copy of this movie I ever come across. It's not just insulting to women to say that the ability to run a meeting and do laundry in the same day is some kind of supernatural feat for our sex, it's also incredibly insightful of just how ingrained sexism still is in our culture. I mean, it's 2011 people. Really?

Apparently, not old or infirm. 

I remember when I first got married (ugh, boring personal story - I know, I know; bear with me here), I would thank my husband every time he did the dishes, or the laundry, or swiped a Swiffer sweeper across the floor. Why the hell was I doing that? He wasn't acting like it was some big production, he didn't beg for recognition. I was being sexist. Sexism isn't just this idea that women should have to do the cooking and the cleaning and the child rearing, it's a concept that places the chief responsibility of these things getting done on the woman's shoulders instead of recognizing that there are two perfectly capable people living in the same space with, give or take, equal opportunity with which to get the job done. 

And if your thing is writing, in addition to working and parenting and staying fit and meeting all those interpersonal requirements that keep you from turing into a blood-crazed sociopath, then just do that. Write. And don't listen to people who talk about plates and juggling balls in the air and all that meaningless word picture shit. Time isn't something that is just going to be handed to you any more, you have to painstakingly carve out every square inch of your day so that those things that matter most are given prime real estate and those things that don't fall in shavings on the floor (Ah! Metaphor! I can't get away)! 

So have that baby, take that job, write that screenplay or novel or teleplay or role play interactive board game; have it all. Have your damn cake and eat it too while you're at it because there's always more cake and the really delicious kind is dirt cheap so go to town. And be a wise steward of you metaphors. Treat your time like currency and spend it wisely (see, metaphors like that - pure gold - hahahaha I apologize).  

Next up: my groundbreaking definition of Feminism (not really; nobody is asking for that).
     

This vs. This

So there's this:

And there's this:

On first glance, both of these shows look absolutely the same; same murder mystery type premise, same detective type lead with his single-mom-looking sidekick and all of them with this grimace that seems to convey the seriousness and yet perplexity of the situation they now find themselves in. I mean, someone's been murdered! But in Europe, so, you know, it's more important.

Side question: cops in Britain and the Isles just don't carry guns? Retractable sticks get the job done? Really?

Back to the point. These posters may look similar, may feel similar, may even smell similar but they are not the same. Not even close. In fact, I believe that just as with the discovery of the alternate romantic comedy TV shows which served as opposites to each other, I have stumbled upon two ends of a completely different spectrum: the British and/or Irish (possibly Scottish?) troubled middle aged male-driven detective series; on one end, the triumphant and constantly entertaining and intriguing Broadchurch and on the other the sad, dreary and drawn out Hinterland.

Introductions

Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to - and now that song will never leave you). Broadchurch takes its time setting up the most dynamic character (played by David Tennant, which I admit automatically gives this show a leg up on the competition). Fresh off maternity leave, DS Ellie Miller (Olivia Colman) if informed that the promotion she was promised has instead gone to DI Alec Hardy. Because we like Miller, this immediately introduces conflict and by the time we meet Hardy and find out that he's kind of an asshole we feel vindicated in defending Miller which is what makes the fact that we end up liking Hardy even more amazing. Conflict, clarity and layers - all there.

Compare that to our introduction of Tom Mathias in Hinterland. He's jogging. And he jogs and jogs and jogs. Some might call it running. Anywho, he jogs up to his trailer and the phone rings and he answers it by saying "this is Mathias," and then cut to opening credits. So, clearly, he's a runner.

My problem with this is that it gives no specific information about our main man; he's not jogging a certain way, he's not running to or from anything in particular, his clothes don't even seem to give us a clue as to who this guy really is (Is he a Nike or Adidas man!?). There's no setup, and so when he answers the phone in his very serious and stoic voice "this is Mathias," that declaration doesn't have any weight behind it. When DI Hardy is introduced, we all go "ah-ha; so that's him," but Mathias the runner? No investment.

Backstory

Weaved into the bloody fabric of these series' plots is the fact that both of these guys are pretty messed up. Both are divorced or separated, both have kids that are either dead or they don't talk to and both have a brooding darkness about them that they can't seem to shake. Of course, this is great because it creates a character that feels real, who has problems and deficits just like the rest of us.

But here's where Hinterland stops. Mathias is sad and his daughter is probably dead because he keeps a photo of her in his wallet but never talks about her and we never see her. Seeds of a dark past, but really just one seed of one dark event that we're sure they'll expound on later but for now we have to be satisfied with conjecture and contemplating the metaphor of this guy running from his problems by actually, literally, physically running. Hmm.

Contrast that with Hardy's backstory. Talk about seeds; there's enough here to plant an orchard (an orchard! Get it!? Yeah). He's got the kid he never talks to, the ex-wife presumably and all this makes him a very sad boy. But it doesn't stop there. We also find out he's fresh off a similar case that he managed to completely botch, making his success here not only preferable but imperative to his career.

Then there's (arguably) the most important component of his backstory: his heart condition. And not just an eat-less-salt-or-you'll-have-to-take-a-beta-blocker heart condition, but a stop-working-or-you're-going-to-die heart condition. This does two things for Hardy as a character; first, it creates sympathy (you can't totally hate a guy with a  heart condition, it's just too vulnerable) and secondly it sets up that ever important element of the ticking clock. Will he be able to solve the case before it's too late!?

The Murders

Nothing against the elderly here, but I have a bone to pick with Hinterland's choice of victims. For your first episode to feature a murdered elder person is fine; if that's what you want to do, then do it. But for the very next episode to again feature an elder person's murder, well then that's just one too many elder people. Let me be the first to admit how terrible it is to say so, but the simple fact is that the younger the victim the more interest and investment there is in catching the killer. I don't make the cosmic mystery/drama/who-dun-it rules but there they are. The degree to which people are upset by a death is proportionately equal the number of years left unlived.

And also, what of variety? Two old folk murders back to back make it look like you're a show about old people getting murdered. If that's what you are, great! I know people who will watch that, but if you're clearly not then why the repeat? Both victims elderly. Both with no real family to speak of. Both killed in their home, one body moved, sure, but somehow found in the first location they look. Okay. Fine.

In Broadchurch, a kid is murdered. A young boy is murdered and laid out on the beach, leaving behind two parents who are struggling in their marriage and a teenage sister who has her own shit to deal with. The entire town is shocked. We are shocked. Who murders a kid? For what possible reason? Things get messy as accusations fly and the town's dirty laundry gets put out for the world to see and that is drama. That's thrilling.

Layers

Keep it simple. Stupid.

Take the first Hinterland murder: an elderly woman is killed because (spoiler, obviously) a long time ago she used to run an orphanage, which is now a hotel, but was very bad to the children there and in one case took away a young girl's baby and killed it and buried it but didn't tell the girl it was dead and the girl grew up looking for her lost child, eventually getting married and apparently forgetting about looking for her child as she tried to start a family but had a miscarriage which sent her spiraling into a crazy hunt of her first kid again which lead her back to the old lady and when she couldn't tell her where her kid was she killed her.

At first glance that might look like layers, but allow me to correct. That's confusing. A bunch of things happening that eventually leads back to something that happened in the past leading to murder is not bad writing, but it's not layering. Layers are a result of things happening on multiple levels, as in the outcome or progression of a crime has an effect on multiple people to varying degrees and effects more than just what is apparent to the crime itself.

A good example of layering: Broadchurch. If you have not seen this show, go watch it now and then come back and finish this blog. Because I'm going to ruin the ending otherwise, and this show is worth it so just leave now. If you've seen it, then you know that it's not just the murder that's going on here. We're not just looking for a killer, we're finding out things about almost every character that makes them look suspicious for the crime.

In the end, the explanation is simple: a grown man who has a secret relationship with the boy lashes out and kills him when he threatens to tell. That's it. And even though it could have conceivably been any number of characters, the show chooses a murderer with the most impact: DS Miller's husband. In Hinterland, the murderer is chosen and substantiated well enough, but there's nothing far reaching about the effects of an obscure woman murdering her old head mistress who was terrible to her and the other children. A seemingly perfect father, married to and living under the same roof as the detective investigating his crime is on a whole other level of disturbing. It effects everything.

Bond, James Bond?

Throwing Luther in there for good measure, because this is the show all the other shows like this want to be. Complicated characters, simple plots. Not easy, predictable plots but one's you can see you're way through once they're revealed; one's that feel clever, like they took some time. Of course the original and never to be topped version of this principle is: 

You boys think you're complicated? That's cute.

Prime. Suspect. Forget everything I just said, and go watch that. End of lesson.

The Importance of Writing It Down

I never believe those people who say "Ah, I had this great idea for a movie and I didn't write it down and now I can't remember it. Gone forever." I don't buy it. That you would have thought up some grand sweeping picture of story, been so enamored with it that you immediately recognized it as great and then forget the whole thing? Forever? Nope nope nope.

And I guess I can dismiss the idea so readily because, deep down, I'm not terrified to lose these broad sweeping ideas because that's never quite what makes the story/book/script great. It's the little things. The subtlety and subtext and damn it those little things are hard to come by and easily forgotten. That's what you need to write down; that's the stuff that has me scrambling for a cocktail napkin (I have never in my life, not once, scrambled for a napkin of any kind).

By and large, those little things are the result of layers upon layers of planning and editing. They are the product of time and effort, which is why it's so easy to spot a lazy script. I don't necessarily mean a bad script or even an amateur script, but the ones that are really infuriating because they're told logically, all the essential elements are there and yet they are lacking. They're hollow. Someone didn't put in the effort.

As an audience, these aren't things you notice in the story right away; they come to light two or three days later when you're still thinking about this movie because of how great it was. There's this thing in Inception where if the people who are dreaming draw too much attention to themselves, then the subconscious can start to notice and begin attacking the dreamer. This is a little thing - you don't really need it for the rest of the movie to make sense, but take it away and you lose this kind of depth, you lose that little extra sense of suspense and urgency that is so perfectly aligned with what the movie is; most importantly, you lose that moment where Joseph Gordon Levitt gets Ellen Page to kiss him (which I know I can't live without).

Inception is actually the perfect metaphor for what I'm talking about. You can't just choose to go into a single level dream or a really super deep gray beaches and dilapidated buildings level dream; you have to move through each layer until you reach the one you're really looking for. Those ideas that really elevate the story are a thought within a thought within a thought within a thought. You have to go down the rabbit hole of ideas and you have to write them down every step of the way because once you get to the next layer you'll have forgotten how you got there and you won't be able to replicate that process with any certainty.

And all this just to point out that we need outlines. Seriously, we do. If you could sit down and in one session complete a work, from dreaming it up to final edit, then there would be no need to outline, to make treatments, tables, beat sheets, note cards and all those other little cheats. But you can't. You have to sleep, you have to eat, most of us have to work. We have to take these insufferable breaks so that we don't starve to death or get divorced and when we come back there needs to be a way to resume where we left off; we need to leave ourselves a little trail of breadcrumbs so that it's not all starting over every damn time we sit down. The outline, that beat sheet, however you decide to do it, that is your way back. Without these things, the thought of returning to your writing and starting from virtual scratch day after day is too daunting and you won't do it. You just won't.

Now, there are people, professional writers even, who claim they don't outline. They don't need to. Once again, I don't believe them. I don't - maybe they have impeccable memory, maybe they have a running list of "cool little things that will make my script seem better," but I don't buy it and more importantly I know from experience that I can't do it. Outlining is a bitch, it really is, but you push through and you get the job done. You put in the damn effort. You make sometime great.

And you drink.

Your milk.

In your cereal, because cereal is the food of the gods and of the writing muses who do give their blessings to all who partake.

2014 Was My Setups Year

The ultimate cinematic example of setups and payoffs

If one of the marks of a truly great movie is a satisfying series of setups and payoffs, then might the same be said of a truly great life? Can we just say yes, so that the rest of this post makes sense? Thanks. As always, you're the best.

2014 has been my year of great setups. Not much actually happened this year, but a whole hell of a lot got put into motion and I feel like I can accurately predict the payoffs that will take place in 2015. And without further ado, here they are:

1. THE SETUP: I joined a writers' group. Co-founded it, actually, along with two other brave and artistically talented persons, and now we have five members altogether. This is the setup I'm most proud of, because of what I predict will be...

THE PAYOFF: A very productive writing year. A writers' group is so important, for more reasons than I have time for here, but the foremost reason being accountability. You have to look other writers in the face, writers you respect and admire, on a regular basis and justify yourself to them. They're going to expect some things, but mostly that you actually write. On a regular basis. To completion. My payoff will be just that.

2. THE SETUP: I changed the look of my blog.

THE PAYOFF: A renewed commitment, leading to more regular blogging. How you miss me when I'm away. It's for you, really, my faithful readers (mom).

3. THE SETUP: I bought quite a lot of workout clothes in 2014. I mean, good stuff too, not like the sale section at Target but like, full price douchey Lululemon stuff.

THE PAYOFF: I have to wear this stuff; it's like sweat-wicking gold! And I don't mean to the grocery store or "running errands," because exercise clothes as casual attire is NOT okay! Put on a damn pair of jeans and an ironic t-shirt if you're that lazy. Geez. But seriously, I need to workout more.

4. THE SETUP: I changed jobs. Still at the same hospital, but I figured "hey, why keep doing this easy chemo/seizure patients thing when I could roll with the big boys down in super scary and difficult ICU, am I right, play-az?" So I transferred to ICU. Obvi.

THE PAYOFF: Um...I don't really know. I guess my thinking was that this would be a step up? Financially speaking, it was a lateral move, but the ICU is pretty much the top of the nursing acuity spectrum, so once I finally get the hang of this thing, I might actually find myself enjoying it. Be a better nurse, maybe?

Speaking of nursing...

5. THE SETUP: Enrolled in my final nursing courses for my BSN.

THE PAYOFF: Be done with school and have more time to write, damn it!! Ugh, I hate school. I just hate it so much. I've almost never hated anything more than school and I've really hated a lot of things in my day, so yeah. Hate it. Let's finish that shit.

6. THE SETUP: Organized my Google Drive. I'm talking folders, file names that give a damn, appropriately numbering the bazillion different drafts and outlines that exist for the same project, opening folders for future projects. The works.

THE PAYOFF: If the concept of organization is "a place for everything and everything in its place," then by creating a place for something I'm basically guaranteeing that there will be something to place in it. Right?

7. THE SETUP: I found Evernote, YNAB and most importantly, Feedly. Oh Feedly, how I love thee. This is actually a huge deal that has already paid off in some big ways. YNAB has helped me micromanage my money (something that brings me almost more pleasure than ice cream), and Evernote is organizing my every thought and impulse into virtual notebooks (with pictures)! Feedly has lead me to better writing advice, understanding my skin type and going back to brunette (I mostly follow fashion blogs which, I make no apologies, is incredibly satisfying to me). I know how to do my eyebrows, you guys; I didn't even know you were supposed to do your eyebrows. The world is my oyster with these eyebrows!

THE PAYOFF: There's this great "take charge" kind of attitude that washes over you when you feel like you've got most of your shit together, and I'm talking financially, artistically and aesthetically. Looking good, feeling good, writing good - ahem - are all connected for me and I plan on taking these tools with me into the new year and using them to totally get a hold of myself.

8. THE SETUP: I researched a lot about how to Podcast.

THE PAYOFF: ?

Sorry, I just want one imaginary moment in time where I feel like I'm dropping a Beyonce-sized hint that will cause complete pandemonium and excitement.

And it's over. Thank you.

So, to sum up, 2015 looks to be promising the following things:

1. I'll be writing more

2. I'll be blogging more

3. I'll get in shape

4. I'll be a better nurse (boring)

5. I'll finish my degree (ugh, super boring - someone make it stop!)

6. I'll be generating writing ideas, treatments and outlines like a crazy person

7. I'll be in complete control of my life (yaaaaaaas, more control, everything exactly how I want it, perfect perfection, hehehe...)

8. I'll pretend to want to make a podcast but ultimately decide that no one is asking for that

There, now I've successfully disguised my resolutions in the form of a clever retrospective. Done. Now let's never speak of this again.  

Serial is the Downton Abbey of Podcasts

You remember when Downton Abbey came out and everyone was like, "Wait, Masterpiece Theatre is a thing?" Well, as previously mentioned here, I was never late to that party, but until recently my relationship with public radio has been mostly relegated to an occasional Prairie Home Companion and that one Saturday morning quiz show. And even then, it wasn't as if I was rubbing my palms together in juicy anticipation of the next episodes or that I was even sure when the next ones would be on; it was nice when I could catch them and no big deal if I didn't.

"Oh but, my dear, you know very well that Jay fellow simply cannot be trusted."

The next episode of Serial comes out this Thursday morning. I know this because, as of three days ago, along with the entire population of the world, I have become obsessed with this podcast. This nonfiction, NPR podcast. Think about that for a moment; think about how unlikely any one of those things are to motivate even the slightest interest in me. Nonfiction = boring. NPR = monotone. Podcast = glorified radio. I even had people all around me telling me how great this NPR podcast was and I was like, "um, no; I call bullshit."

It was actually this DIY fashion blog that provided the link that would completely obliterate all other plans for my Friday afternoon and lasting into the wee hours of the next morning. Anyone who saw me at this point would probably think I was going mad, hunched over my desk, staring at my computer screen with both hands pressed against my face in a look of deep concern, amazement and excitement.

How in the hell did they do this? Who was just sitting around the table at the weekly NPR think-up-a-catchy-podcast meeting and was like "there's this cold case about a teenager that might be interesting to every single person in the whole world, ever." And then BOOM! They put this thing out there that has the ability to occupy those portions of my brain otherwise devoted to thinking about Game of Thrones episodes and how to justify eating ice cream for dinner, again.

Sarah: Everyone's gonna be so pissed when they find out it's all just a dream.
         Ira: Haha - yeah. Hey, could you just slip it in there how handsome I am? it's just,

                being on the radio and all...some people may not know.

There's no reason you should believe a mad person, but I'm going to tell you anyway: you have to listen to this thing. Holy hell. And get comfortable; you have seven episodes to catch up on and if you think you're just going to listen to one here and there with breaks in between for things like eating, peeing and sleeping then you can just think again. Seriously, call in sick tomorrow because Serial has just become your full-time job.      

Begin...now.

AFF Friday

Can I just say (rhetorical questing incoming) how much I love John August? A major highlight of AFF is sitting in his panels, pretty well regardless of the subject matter. If Scriptnotes isn't a regular part of your life, then really what's the point (rhetorical question, no warning!)?

In all (most) seriousness, the podcast is great; informative and entertaining. Craig Mazin, also. 

Craig. Maaaaaazin. Yeah.

Just trust me on these two things: if you're a writer, you need Scriptnotes, and you'd probably really dig The Austin Film Festival.

Dig it, man. Mmm.

Check out the Scriptnotes link to your right.

Where I'll Be for the Next Few Days (Or, Why You Can't Get a Hold of Me...Mom)

Oh yeeeeah...

So, surprise; it's Austin Film Festival time! I did a pretty poor (nonexistent) job of building up to this considering what a HUGE deal it is. I really do look forward to this all year. If you've never been, you need to go (next year, though...).

You have a whole year to plan! 

You're welcome.

Flying: The Most Elaborate Way to Die

I bet there was a time (because I've seen the pictures) when flying was this classy event; women wore skirts, men wore blazer jackets and ties and the whole thing was just one long glamorous parade of beautiful people going somewhere exotic.

Now, there's a fully grown man sitting across the terminal wearing what I can only assume to be his pajama pants and flip flops. There's a woman in a full sweatsuit. T-shirts and jeans everywhere. There's one guy wearing a suit jacket and it makes him look like a real hoser. 

Dressing up at the airport now makes you look like a first-class douche.

Also, getting a pat-down in a skirt is slightly more violating, I feel. I got the once-over today because I put my ticket in the back pocket of my (very fancy, mind you) jeans before going through the body scanner. Apparently backscatter X-ray technology has not as yet been able to penetrate the devious potential of a single sheet of paper.

Okay, confession time: my real motivation in writing this is to broadcast the fact that I'm traveling. Traveling makes you important. Maybe I'm just going to Chicago for a wedding but also maybe I'm heading to New York to shoot pics for my Times editorial (hahaha - yeah, no, it's just the Chicago wedding thing).

More confessions: I paid $15 to board in group 1. Why did I do this? Because I can count at least six people sitting around here that obviously have more than the alotted two carry-ons and in addition to this gross disregard for basic flight etiquette at least one of those bags are GINORMOUS! Like well over the limit for the overheads. I am not checking baggage because Glambot over there can't tone it down a bit (that Louis Vuitton carport you call a tote is YOUR THIRD CARRYON!). 

Final confession: I look forward to flying because it is the only time that I can a) listen to Justin Tomberlake while b) reading fashion magazines actually from this month and c) eating peanut butter M&Ms all with absolutely zero guilt. This is not possible anywhere else in my life. I do feel a slight twinge when I think of the fact that should the plane go down, whoever sifts through the reckage and first finds my body will get a completely distorted view of who I was (I only read books and eat spinach at home, after all). Hey, I like Wilco, okay - I'm cool. 

Flying: the Russian roulette of the sky.

Please just acknowledge the fact that I'm traveling and you're not and that means I'm ahead. Just give me this.

And don't let these be my last written words - find my unfinished works! Tell tales of my brilliance unrealized! Feed my fish!

Kidding. I don't have fish - bleck, disgusting.

This vs This

So there's This:

And then there's This:

At first glance, This and This look like the same show only on different networks and one of them is more...blonde? Basically, my no TV status relegates me to Hulu and Netflix programming only (also to blame: the fact that no one will share their HBO Go password with me - you heartless bastards!), which means that other TV programming is dead to me. And these two shows looked cute, so...

After watching them, however, I quickly realized there is a HUGE difference between these two shows, like a deep cavernous chasm of a difference. They're actually a perfect pair because, held side by side, they present two ends of the sitcom romcom spectrum which begins with mundane and stereotypical on the far left and ends with clever and meaningful on the right. It's a horizontal line. Get it?

I need to learn how to draw this stuff. Is Paintshow still a thing?

A to Z

Love This. This is an example of a well thought out, carefully crafted story with enjoyable characters who are interesting in and of themselves and not just when they're together. You doubt me? I have examples! The name and the concept are actually connected. I know this sounds like a small thing, but think of how frustrating it is when a show has a generic name that only loosely fits in with what's going on (Forever, because he doesn't die, get it!?). A to Z, because their names are Andrew and Zelda, because it's a journey through their relationship from beginning to end (or so we're led to believe). There's a clear structure to the show. I like structure. I like to feel like a show knows exactly where it's going and not just fumbling through episodes fishing for laughs. 

Then there's the characters themselves. Andrew is a romantic who works at an internet dating company pushing hookups to maximize profits. What, what's that I hear? BOOM! That's the sound dramatic irony makes when it, when it's dropped, like, in a show...it's clever, okay. It means something. And then they match him with Zelda, a lawyer, someone practical and independent who's experience with love is that you should be careful and hedge your bets. Opposites attract and create maximum conflict and conflict is entertaining as shit. 

The narration is well done, too, and not just for the fact that it's Katy Sagal (who is THE woman), but it's clever in that she never reveals something without creating another question. A bad narration answers questions that the writer is too unskilled or just plain too lazy to show through action; here we have narration that actually further complicates the story, setting up little mysteries for the characters to reveal later on. It's brilliant. It's purposeful. 

And there's chemistry! My god, it actually feels like they should be a couple; there's actual good reason to want them to be together because they complement each other, they're good for each other, they...dare I say it...complete one another (sorry). I mean, look at them! Geez! I will go on record here and now stating that the whole "their relationship will last this-many-days..." is not a buildup to a breakup. It can't be. I won't have it. This show has created a need in me to see these two together forever and that is the very point of a romcom. 

On the other hand...    

Manhattan Love Story

Hate This. Hey, did you know that men like boobs and women like purses!?!? I mean, holy shit; I just had no idea that was a thing thank you so much for illuminating me and hahahaha what a funny way to bring this to the attention of the public at large (sarcasm). Have you ever seen that poster of a sinking Titanic with the subscript "It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to other?" This is like that. It may be that this show exists purely as a warning to us aspiring writers of what not to do. Do not take the easy road. Do not phone it in. Do not think that you can place two flawed humans in the same restaurant and sparks will fly and a romance will be born. 

For a show that relies solely on characters and doesn't seek to take on more cosmic questions of love and fate, it doesn't appear that much thought went into these two. In A to Z, Andrew is a hopeless romantic who works for a hookup dating service; here, Peter is a confirmed bachelor and boob man who works at...a trophy shop? We could stretch it and say he's an underachiever making trophies for other underachievers, but that's all I can do for them. Dana is new to the city, timid, insecure and works as a...copy editor? Not sure. Because IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing matters in this show. 

The hook of this show is supposed to be the ongoing inner monologues of the two key characters; the idea that we can hear what they're thinking during the entirety of their relationship is setup to be funny and illuminating. Hey, hey hey - did you know men like boobs and women like pur - oh I already told you that? Yeah, that last sentence is how this entire show feels. Here's an example:

Dana and Peter have met at a restaurant for their first date. Dana is laughing at Peter's jokes which spurs...

Peter's inner monologue: "Totally going back to my place. When's the last time I washed the sheets?"

Dana's inner monologue: "He thinks we're going back to his place; I hate that he's right."

This, in case you missed it, is supposed to be a joke. This was written for laughs. I'm not laughing, and the reason is largely due to the fact that Peter is set up as a guy who walks down the street assessing his desire to have sex with various women based on their boob size and Dana is set up as a woman who is, within minutes of meeting him, already so taken with boob guy that she considers intercourse between them to be all but a certainty. Despite the fact that this show is about two decades late to this particular brand of jokes, what I'm really offended by is the blatant mediocrity with which the show is executed. It's pure, unadulterated laziness. 

There appears to be no attempt at dramatic irony here, no effort to create two people who are fit for each other. It's just throwing two characters into the same environment and because they're the stars we're supposed to want these two passive characters who are of no clear benefit to one another to end up together? Even the name, Manhattan Love Story; why, because they're in New York? She's not even a New Yorker. This story could take place in any city, but the name of the city randomly chosen makes it into the title? 

Ugh. 

Here's my version: Manhattan Love Story - The inner monologues of two New Yorkers, one a high-powered editor of a leading tech magazine, the other an underachiever who makes participation trophies for peewee sports teams, illuminate the struggle of dating in the city that never sleeps. 

That's off the top of my head; it's shit, but it's better shit, in my humble opinion, than what they ended up putting out there (ABC, feel free to contact me for help; my fees are modest and I meet deadlines like a boss. I can come up with shit like this in my sleep. I got shit for days). 

Ahem. 

Bottom line, neither of these shows is a shining example of groundbreaking television. They aren't the next Breaking Bad. There is no new romcom under the sun, therefore you have to invest time and effort into crafting sympathetic characters who are in and of themselves unique enough to want to watch and, when put together, make a completed pair. Or a complete disaster. But never, NEVER a boring regurgitation of something that's been done a million time before. Work harder. Be better. Eat dinner.

What? I'm hungry.        

Unsolicited Reviews of Random New Fall Programing

Hulu and I spent some quality time together over the weekend and the result is a series of thoughts and opinions about the following:

Blackish

I like this show probably as much as a white girl can.  There are a lot of comparisons to The Cosby Show being thrown around there, but as someone who grew up watching Cosby in real time, this feels like a completely different thing. Where the Cosbys were a family that also happened to be black, this is a black family. What does that mean? Hell if I know! I think what I'm trying to say here is this show manages to be very self-aware while being relatable and funny. It's good. I like it.

Selfie

Now this is as white-girl a show as a white girl show can be. It's kind of difficult to get into, but Karen Gillan does such a convincing job of being that valley girl everyone hates while somehow managing to also be likable that I ended up watching the whole episode when I might have steered away after the weak setup. Also, had I not stuck in there I may have missed the fact that this show is vaguely based on My Fair Lady, which IS EVERYTHING TO ME AND DESERVES A MILLION ITERATIONS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY! Whether this is that remains to be seen, but it's an easy thirty minutes so I say watch it.

Gotham

So, there's a number of things you can do wrong when you're dealing with a subject matter that is pretty universally adored and still get away with it; you can be too heavy-handed, too campy, too dramatic, too nostalgic or just plain over-the-top and people will still excuse you because they want to like the show so they can watch the show and talk about the show with other people who are watching the show. What you can't do, under any circumstances, is be boring. You can't lose my interest. You can't lose my attention to Feedly every five minutes because then I'm just going to say screw it I'll come back to finish the episode later, which means never. I tried to watch this thing twice. TWICE! I'm at the 19:27 minutes marker and I just can't muster the energy to go any further. It should be all "Ooh, look it's the Riddler" and "there's young cat woman" or "Poison Ivy, wow!" I don't know why, but everybody in this show makes me tired. Even the chases seem slow. "A" for effort?

Forever

And then here's this show, which has no business getting watched all the way through. How many times are we going to do the thing where there's a hardened cop who finds an unconventional side-kick who doubles as a love interest? Now it's a guy who can't die because...he was struck by lightening one time? At sea? With a pocket watch? It's shoddy logic and a weak construct, but damn it if I wasn't entertained. Maybe it's the accent. I mean, look at the poster! Compare it to something like Gotham, where you've got some of the most famous and exciting comic book villains presented in a light you've never seen them before, with all the promise of fully fleshed out origin stories. Then there's Forever, which boasts a cityscape? Or this...

...a guy who looks heartily disappointed in me, somehow? I don't know what that look is, but it's not selling anything. And yet, the show was not bad. It was fine. I was entertained and I watched the whole thing. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Maybe it's me; maybe I'm having a weird week or something. Hands up in the air - I don't know. 

Also, Hulu, I'd like to call you out on something here...

TOP 10 RECOMMENDATIONS FOR YOU

Since you watched...

You may also like How to Get Away With Murder.

|

How to Get Away With Murder

Drama

The brilliant, charismatic and seductive Professor Annalise Keating (Viola Davis) gets entangled with four law students from her class, “How to Get Away with Murder.” Little do they know that they... more

Really? These shows have nothing to do with each other. What the hell!?

Next time, an unsolicited set of reviews on returning shows that I'm pretty much just going to adore the shit out of. Until then, feel free to check out the above shows and disagree with me in comments (please won't somebody disagree with me in comments; so lonely). 

A New Post At Last

I don't think I've ever set up any expectation that my posting to this blog would be in any way consistent, either in frequency or quality. Why today, as opposed to any other day in the past three months, I've decided to return here is beyond me, except that I've just finished a very long and all-in-all very disappointing book and I have nowhere else to vent about it.

Another thing is, I'd hoped that my first post back would be something a little more momentous like announcing that I've finished that TV pilot script or...well, just that actually. I haven't. I'm two-thirds of the way through, but in all honesty that doesn't really matter since the entirety of it will have to be rewritten which I know doesn't negate the value of having written this version to start with but that it makes me feel like a failure. A slow failure.

There are a number of reasons why this version won't stand, not the least of which is the usual clumsy  structure and flat dialogue. It's too long. It doesn't make good use of conflict and there's an almost complete lack of subtext and dramatic irony. It's trying too hard. I'm at my wit's end with it because when I set out to write the thing it was this clear, entertaining but meaningful story that everyone was going to love - I mean, I enjoyed watching it unfold in my own mind (which sounds crazy, but unfortunately is not; a little insanity would likely make me a better writer).

And now the thing is on the page (computer screen) in its third iteration and still it's nothing like what I envisioned. The names are the same and they're all doing the things I thought they would do, but it's jumbled and doesn't feel the same as it did when I first planned it all out. And it's taken me so long - too long to write. It's painful. It's such a struggle to sit there and do the thing; even though I try to relax and just let the words come out without judgment I inevitably scrutinize every line and I hate them all.

I mean, what am I even doing this for? I know there's this thing writers do where they're like "oh god, it's so hard and such a struggle and blah blah blah" and it sounds so self-absorbed to think that writing should be made to seem so much harder than anything else. We make stuff up; how hard is that? Tried building a bridge lately? Fighting social injustices? Nursing?

Actually, I am a nurse and I can tell you firsthand that going to that hospital and putting in a thirteen hour day in which I will likely be dealing in the blood and body elimination of a number of other human beings with hygienic standards well below my own is less daunting of a task than sitting down to write a single page of this goddamn script!

Why?

Confidence. I know what I'm doing at work and when I do it well I have a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. There's nothing of the kind to be had when writing. I'm in constant doubt about my own abilities to produce something of the slightest quality and as such every move I make is called into question. It's torture, in a way, because I can't help doing it yet I'm miserable when I do and at the same time I beat myself up when I'm not doing it because I'm not doing it enough. What kind of hell is this?

I don't have a resolution to share and I'm sick of writing about this. I'm going to go watch The Mindy Project and finish my pint of ice cream with peanut butter thrown in there (for protein, you know) and maybe later I'll return to my script with a fresh perspective and try my hardest to grasp a sense of freedom in the acceptance that I'm hundreds of thousands of pages away from writing anything that is any good but if I keep going I'll get there someday.

That's sort of encouraging, right?

I want to throw something.  

Bob's Burgers Puts Final Nail in the Thomas Edison Coffin

Get Netflix, watch this show.

So...what have I been up to? Gonna be real honest here, it's been mostly TV pilot writing, screenplay competition reading and Bob's Burgers on Netflix viewing. And the ratios for those three things aren't very good. Like, if the Empire State building were to represent the amount of time dedicated to Bob's Burgers, then my screenplay reading time would be best represented by the 1933 iteration of King Kong and my writing time represented by the unfortunate Ann Darrow (represented in the picture below by a kind of discongruent blip near the bottom, much like my writing).

"I should have thought this decision through more thoroughly!"

But I digress. Back to the point of this blog: Thomas Edison! Of course I've known for years that this man wasn't all grade school cracked him up to be, thanks in part to allusions made by TV and film (which is where I get most of my historical and scientific information). There was the movie The Prestige, which introduced the concept that Nikola Tesla was way ahead of Edison on a number of inventions that Edison was then able to steal with the help of the government. Then there was this Oatmeal comic to really drive it all home.

That's some hot hot alternating current Mr. Tesla/Bowie

But none of this - nothing - could have prepared me for Topsy. 

Edison, that sonofabitch, electrocuted an old circus elephant just to show how dangerous AC current was WHEN STRAPPED TO A LIVING THING! I mean, my god Edison! There's a microwave in every house, that doesn't mean you should SHOVE A CAT IN ONE TO PROVE HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE! YOU FREAK!

Okay, the caps are getting out of control, but can I get an amen here? Anyway, Bob's Burgers manages to take this and make a really funny episode out of it while still shaming the shit out of Edison, so check it out. 

And Thomas Edison, you are DEAD TO ME! DEAD! I mean, I know you're physically dead, but I mean your ENTIRE LEGACY IN THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY IS DENIED IN THIS HOUSE!  I am damn near tempted to HAVE CHILDREN just so that I can teach them what a MISERABLE LITTLE PISS ANT YOU ARE! 

Bob's Burgers Season 3 Episode 16

Anyway, check out the show it's really funny goodbye.

I Don't Have Time for This Right Now

Menfolk stumbling accidentally upon this post can just go ahead and move on their merry way right now because in this moment I have nothing for you and the talk is about to get all female up in here, so goodbye.

I would now like to address the completely irrational thought behaviors that I am experiencing due to a lack of balancing hormones circulating in my body and the fact that I am, at this very moment, awash with whatever hormone makes you a wining, crying melancholy bitch. I really should not be writing or even communicating with other life on any level right now, but I am just too overcome with the injustice of this whole bullshit system we call menstruation.

Bullshit, I say!

In addition to feeling actually crazy, I recently found out that successful writers appear to be neurologically similar to the mentally ill. So there are two distinct possibilities for my life going forward, and those are to either a). be a successful writer and predispose myself to mental illness or b). fail at being a successful writer, experience intermittent insanity on a monthly basis anyhow. HAHAHA - awesome! Not really. I want ice cream.

Period people, this is YOUR MOVIE!

And I don't have time for this right now because, you know what, I have very important writing to do that may or may not end up being something that someone else thinks is important and maybe will eventually lead to my, I don't know, entrance into a system that will inevitably lead to my mental demise. So, yeah, a little understanding and a box of wine and Emma Thompson would go a long way right now.

Also, in case you are also on your period and also feel like crying uncontrollably in public places and possibly even happen to live in New York, this is for you. Otherwise, generally speaking I'd say the spice aisle at your nearest grocer will suffice. Pick up some peanut butter and chocolate flavored cereal while you're there (something about the crunchiness and the flavor combination seems to quiet the demons for me).

The end!

Things I Love Lately

This isn't going to be earth shattering stuff here and, admittedly, I'm a little late to the party on some of this stuff. Still, there are things that have put absolute glee in my life lately and I feel I must share. So...

Evernote

Props to my brother, who told me about Evernote way back when I was but a nursing school drudge using a note taking app that I thought was revolutionary because you could color code the tabs. After school I wanted to burn it, but that would have been impossible without also, you know, damaging my phone so I simply deleted the app. Ha! Take that!

Lumping Evernote in with all the other free tasky note taking apps, I of course assumed it was something I would download, use for like a week then completely forget about and months down the road delete off my phone in an attempt to free up enough space for the most recent iOS update (what the hell is in those things)? I've had this thing for about a month and I believe the term that best describes my current feelings toward it is "geeking out."

I looooooooove it! Holy shit, holy shit! You can just put everything in here - EVERYTHING! Those workouts my sister sends me every week: Evernote. Online purchases I want to make: Evernote. Receipts from online purchases because I'm not very good about delaying gratification and plus I think I may have a problem: Evernote! Blog post ideas, random thoughts about any one of the three projects I'm working on right now, outfit ideas I pick up from the web or people on the street that I need to remember later in order to not look a fool when I dress myself in the morning (am I right, ladies?): Evernote, Evernote and Evernote!

You need it. You don't know that yet - well, I guess you do know because I just told you, unless you don't believe me, in which case I'm not sure why you're here... Just look into it.

Fade In

I have absolutely had it with Celtx. It's free, so I can't complain too much but I have reached that point in my screenwriting career where it's time to pony up and pay $200 for some real screenwriting software. Wait, what? $200? Two hundred dollars? That's (2). Handred. Dooollars? I'm going to make a short list of things I'd be willing to spend $200 on:

1. A plane ticket to Chicago

2. A pair of real pearl earrings

3. Someone to come into my apartment and clean the baseboards because MY GOD I can't get the years and years of other people's grime off of these damn things (I'm just realizing as I type this that I could probably have someone come do this for considerably less money...have to look into that).

And now, things I am not willing to spend $200 on:

1.  A plane ticket to Arkansas (yuck)

2. A side table that is basically a tree stump (West Elm, you can all go fuck yourselves)

3. Screenwriting software

Enter Fade In (notice I resisted the urge to say "Fade In: Fade In"). It is, honestly, everything a screenwriting software should be with the added bonus of being more current and having a developer that really listens to feedback. Also, I'm pretty sure when you purchase the software it comes with the optional add-on of having Craig Mazin come to your house in person should you find anything wrong with the program or if you just want to chat about how great it is. He's kind of a fan.

Speaking of Craig Mazin...

Scriptnotes

There are times when I remember to listen to Scriptnotes podcast, and those are happy times. Then there are times when things get busy and in all the bustling around I forget to listen to Scriptnotes; these are dark and confusing times, people. I love this show because in addition to learning about cool writerly things (like Fade In), you've got these two guys who couldn't be more opposite each other talking about things that are actually relevant and interesting to screenwriters, and sometimes disagreeing about those things which is one of the most valuable parts. Two great screenwriters disagreeing about something is the closest thing to magic you are going to get in this world.

So listen up.