Dropped Phone in Toilet, Hoping Rice Will Fix (UPDATED)

So, my phone is in here:

Because I dropped it in here:

                                       [toilet photo not found; probably disgusting anyway]
           
                                     

If my life is a screenplay, this would be the "dark night of the soul" bit.

UPDATE: 1/28/13 at 2:54pm

It lives! My phone is restored, everything works, the laws of physical science do not apply. How is this possible? Let's look at a step-by-step of what went down:

Wednesday: Dropped phone in toilet. Freaked out, but did not cry. Shoved phone into bag of rice (half wild rice, half Uncle Ben's instant).

Thursday: Heard my phone receive a text message, pulled it out of rice to find that it was indeed receiving alerts, but the touch screen was not responding. Shoved phone back into rice bag, began planning my life as a wandering nomad incapable of communicating with the world around me.

Friday: Watched a few YouTube videos of toilet phone people chronicling their attempts to revive the device, one of which advocated putting the phone up to the vacuum hose to suck the water out before putting in bag of rice. Thought the kid was stupid, followed his advice anyway.

Saturday: Touch screen is working, phone looks fine. Still too scared to move it out of the magic rice, so left phone in there for another day.

Sunday: Phone works. Took out of rice for the whole day, used with care. No problems.

Monday: Phone still working. Siri still stupid as hell, but phone working. Mind blown, fundamentals of science and technology tumbled.

Only one question remains: what else can a bag of rice fix? Have we explored this item to its full potential, because it's no good as food (rice is completely pointless as a food; it's like the sand of food). The next time anything around me breaks or malfunctions, I'm shoving it in a bag of rice; in fact, I might as well just start preemptively storing everything I own in bags of rice. What if it heals ailments? Aching feet? Bag of rice. Carpal tunnel? Bag of rice. Trick knees, tennis elbow, acne, wrinkles - I'm just going to start bathing in the stuff.

To rice!

An Unsolicited and Probably Unnecessary Commentary on the British TV Show Robin Hood

Let's just get one thing out of the way here. I watch this show:

It's British, it's costumes; I can't really resist both of those things together.

So, now that that's established and we're all clearly over it, I shall commence with being very particular about why I feel jilted. And I do, very much so, feel jilted.  Oh, and I hardly have to say it but if you plan on watching this show and potentially enjoying it, then read no further because I will ruin that for you.

#1 Problem: this guy. I hate to point fingers, but this is Robin Hood? This is the same problem I had with Legend of the Seeker (trust me, it's as painful to write that as it is for you to read it); you pick these men to play mythical larger-than-life heroes and they look like underwear models. I don't mean the big burly Hanes models either, I mean the half-emaciated, Calvin Klein, should-be-carrying-a-shot-tray-at-a-gay-bar kind of body construct. What is with the British and these small leads? And I could overlook this size issue if the character itself were spot on, but not even that feels right. Robin Hood defied a kingdom, raised an army out of nobodies, lured people to live with him in the woods (now this is sounding creepy); women wanted to be with him, men wanted to be him - it takes a very specific set of criteria to inspire this kind of worship: charm, charisma, a cool head in dangerous situations. This Robin Hood spends most of his time with this pained look on his face or shouting at whoever is in front of him. Seriously, he shouts a lot in this show. He shouts at Maid Marian, and he's supposed to loooove her.

#2 Problem: Maid Marian. I take particular issue with shows that use female characters as indecisive ninnies who manage to screw everything up and are in perpetual need of being rescued. To the show's credit, they tried to represent Marian as an independent fighter with a heart for the people when they made her the Night Watchman, but even then she could barely make a food drop without creating problems for Robin and the gang. And for the love of god, just have the woman make up her mind. Yes, love triangles are interesting but they're also lazy writing, and I'm glad that women are given this free pass to change their minds ad nauseum and no one dares say a word about it, but sometimes women just know who they want to be with and they make that happen. Her reasons for staying in the castle and the constant buttering up of Sir Guy were shoddy plot work at best.

#3 Problem: The bad guy is waaaaay hotter than the good guy. Sir Guy looks like he could kick Robin's ass three ways to Sherwood and still have time to dry clean his pleather. Seriously, runny eyeliner and all, this Sir Guy character is impossible to root against. Maid Marian sees this dude every day in the castle and she's still (mostly) loyal to Robin? I don't think so. Not buying it.

#4 Problem: Not buying this one, either. Maybe it all comes back to my not really seeing the attraction of our lead outlaw, but Maid Marian is cold for maybe two minutes before Robin gets hot and heavy with Isabella who turns out to be bad so he sort of settles for Kate? Um, no. Here's what you don't want to see: A dude get married. In that same episode that dude's wife is murdered. In the next episode that dude is kissing another chick. Within five episodes that same dude is kissing yet another chick. And the way it happened was just a mess. Kate joins the gang. Much likes her, Alan does not. Clearly, so clearly, this is Alan's girl. Instant chemistry between those two characters; you can see it a mile away and yet they throw her on Robin. It's so forced. She's like "Robin, I like you," and he's all "You do? Oh, well, okay; yeah, this could work." Come on.

But don't worry BBC professionals, this amateur writer has got it all worked out for you. Take these notes, give it five years, then relaunch the series and watch the ratings soar. Trust me: I watch a lot of TV.

First, this is your new Robin Hood:

This guy played Archer, Robin's half brother, for a few episodes in Series 3. He's got the build of a Robin Hood, a way better outfit, and he's super witty. Most importantly, he has a killer smile and he doesn't shout. NO MORE SHOUTING!

Next, I need to see way more of these people:

The Sheriff. This guy is a genius. It wasn't really fair that he should slave away at catching Hood for two whole seasons and then he's benched until the end of series 3. No, you keep him all the way through. Also, he looks a bit like Billy Joel. Just saying.

Much is probably the most underutilized character in all of TV history. He's funny; I'd much rather spend time with him than the former Robin Hood (that guy was always so tense; always shouting). And to not give him a chick is just cold. I know he had that one episode, but come on. Kate and Much, way better match. Think about it.

Why did we wait until series 3 to bring out Prince John, because he was amazing (and then he just disappeared again)? This guy was a complete psycho. Thoroughly entertaining.

Isabella. Come on. Best character ever. Way better than Maid Marian, blows Kate out of the water. Take a hint from Sherlock and draw out the sexual tension between her and Robin to the bitter end, and then don't blow her up; get them together.

In addition to the above changes, I would like to see the following: Little John gets his family back, Will and Jack return for finale, more archery contests (duh!), more clever forest traps (I want people falling into leaf-covered pits, being strung up in nets, arrows released by tripwire, Robin's merry men swinging from more trees), Sir Guy lives (did you see him in North and South? Go watch that. It's great), and either completely eliminate the Maid Marian character or give her a freaking spine. Seriously, so annoying. 

I'm finished.

Stuck In The Second Act

Ugh...

Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to be stuck anywhere in the writing process since it is confirmation that I am at least in the process of writing something. And to someone who has no motivation beyond the inner need to create stories, having no promise of economical or even social gain from said stories, to be involved in the act of writing is almost a miracle.

For the fifth time I am writing the first draft of my alien script, and through shear force of will this is the draft that makes it all the way. Is it the best possible scenario for these characters? Is this plot the greatest I could must? I have no idea. But I like it, and through the editing process (which I am trying hard not to think about due to its paralyzing effect on my creativity) I hope that this will eventually be the best version of this current version.

First drafts are exciting - they're like this anything-goes kind of storytelling. You put something down and you're like "that's not very good," or "that's much too far-fetched" and it's okay because you know you have months and months of exhaustive rewrites ahead of you in which to fix these problems. Go for the gusto, veer from the outline, make implausible statements and then follow them up with incongruent character action. Why not? it's a rough draft! Fix it later; consequences don't exist here!

As much as the editing process can hamper your creativity in this early stage, it should also remain a tiny reminder that you can't just do whatever you want in this script and expect there to be something worth saving at the end. I made an outline for a reason, and even though for the most part I have wholly abandon that outline, I still must keep in mind that my self of two months in the future would be very grateful to my self of the present if I'd try and keep it as close to a set course as possible and avoid going off the deep end.

But going off the deep end is so fun! It's almost what makes writing the stupid thing worthwhile in the first place. Why not go off the deep end? Aren't there too many movies out there who just play it safe, making themselves predictable and worn and dated? It's expected of us now, to go to outlandish extremes to create a story that entertains and enlightens. No one wants what they expect from a movie, they want surprise twists and unforeseen turns - things happening that their minds couldn't possibly have conceived possible!

But it's all a trick, isn't it? People want to be surprised, but satisfied at the same time. It's easy to surprise an audience (aha! They were all dreaming the whole time!), but to make the surprise meaningful, to allow the audience to lean back and say "ah, of course! I should have seen that coming." To be delighted with surprise, not hoodwinked; that's the tricky part. And that's why second acts suck.

Second acts are the breeding ground of setups and payoffs. You're paying off those little setups from the beginning, just to prove to the audience that you know what you're doing, but mostly they are for the purpose of setting up your big finale, which will show the audience that not only are you a genius, but you know exactly what they want to see and you're going to give it to them even before they realize it's what they want in the first place.

Read the audience's mind, realize that what they want isn't really what they want, figure out what they really want instead and make that happen. It's just that simple.

And the second act is where it happens. A good second act has all the answers, only you don't know it until the very end. It's a forecast of what is to come, without it the beginning can't be justified and the ending just wouldn't make any sense. It's the hardest, takes the longest, and in the end is the most rewarding part of the whole darn thing.

This is not the time to give up and move on to another project; this is what the whole thing is for. Press on, move ahead, don't stop believin' and after months and months of daunting, crippling and soul-crushing rewrites that second act will all be worth it. The whole script will be worth it. To you. And maybe no one else, but don't think about that right now.