Unsolicited Reviews of Random New Fall Programing

Hulu and I spent some quality time together over the weekend and the result is a series of thoughts and opinions about the following:

Blackish

I like this show probably as much as a white girl can.  There are a lot of comparisons to The Cosby Show being thrown around there, but as someone who grew up watching Cosby in real time, this feels like a completely different thing. Where the Cosbys were a family that also happened to be black, this is a black family. What does that mean? Hell if I know! I think what I'm trying to say here is this show manages to be very self-aware while being relatable and funny. It's good. I like it.

Selfie

Now this is as white-girl a show as a white girl show can be. It's kind of difficult to get into, but Karen Gillan does such a convincing job of being that valley girl everyone hates while somehow managing to also be likable that I ended up watching the whole episode when I might have steered away after the weak setup. Also, had I not stuck in there I may have missed the fact that this show is vaguely based on My Fair Lady, which IS EVERYTHING TO ME AND DESERVES A MILLION ITERATIONS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY! Whether this is that remains to be seen, but it's an easy thirty minutes so I say watch it.

Gotham

So, there's a number of things you can do wrong when you're dealing with a subject matter that is pretty universally adored and still get away with it; you can be too heavy-handed, too campy, too dramatic, too nostalgic or just plain over-the-top and people will still excuse you because they want to like the show so they can watch the show and talk about the show with other people who are watching the show. What you can't do, under any circumstances, is be boring. You can't lose my interest. You can't lose my attention to Feedly every five minutes because then I'm just going to say screw it I'll come back to finish the episode later, which means never. I tried to watch this thing twice. TWICE! I'm at the 19:27 minutes marker and I just can't muster the energy to go any further. It should be all "Ooh, look it's the Riddler" and "there's young cat woman" or "Poison Ivy, wow!" I don't know why, but everybody in this show makes me tired. Even the chases seem slow. "A" for effort?

Forever

And then here's this show, which has no business getting watched all the way through. How many times are we going to do the thing where there's a hardened cop who finds an unconventional side-kick who doubles as a love interest? Now it's a guy who can't die because...he was struck by lightening one time? At sea? With a pocket watch? It's shoddy logic and a weak construct, but damn it if I wasn't entertained. Maybe it's the accent. I mean, look at the poster! Compare it to something like Gotham, where you've got some of the most famous and exciting comic book villains presented in a light you've never seen them before, with all the promise of fully fleshed out origin stories. Then there's Forever, which boasts a cityscape? Or this...

...a guy who looks heartily disappointed in me, somehow? I don't know what that look is, but it's not selling anything. And yet, the show was not bad. It was fine. I was entertained and I watched the whole thing. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Maybe it's me; maybe I'm having a weird week or something. Hands up in the air - I don't know. 

Also, Hulu, I'd like to call you out on something here...

TOP 10 RECOMMENDATIONS FOR YOU

Since you watched...

You may also like How to Get Away With Murder.

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How to Get Away With Murder

Drama

The brilliant, charismatic and seductive Professor Annalise Keating (Viola Davis) gets entangled with four law students from her class, “How to Get Away with Murder.” Little do they know that they... more

Really? These shows have nothing to do with each other. What the hell!?

Next time, an unsolicited set of reviews on returning shows that I'm pretty much just going to adore the shit out of. Until then, feel free to check out the above shows and disagree with me in comments (please won't somebody disagree with me in comments; so lonely). 

A New Post At Last

I don't think I've ever set up any expectation that my posting to this blog would be in any way consistent, either in frequency or quality. Why today, as opposed to any other day in the past three months, I've decided to return here is beyond me, except that I've just finished a very long and all-in-all very disappointing book and I have nowhere else to vent about it.

Another thing is, I'd hoped that my first post back would be something a little more momentous like announcing that I've finished that TV pilot script or...well, just that actually. I haven't. I'm two-thirds of the way through, but in all honesty that doesn't really matter since the entirety of it will have to be rewritten which I know doesn't negate the value of having written this version to start with but that it makes me feel like a failure. A slow failure.

There are a number of reasons why this version won't stand, not the least of which is the usual clumsy  structure and flat dialogue. It's too long. It doesn't make good use of conflict and there's an almost complete lack of subtext and dramatic irony. It's trying too hard. I'm at my wit's end with it because when I set out to write the thing it was this clear, entertaining but meaningful story that everyone was going to love - I mean, I enjoyed watching it unfold in my own mind (which sounds crazy, but unfortunately is not; a little insanity would likely make me a better writer).

And now the thing is on the page (computer screen) in its third iteration and still it's nothing like what I envisioned. The names are the same and they're all doing the things I thought they would do, but it's jumbled and doesn't feel the same as it did when I first planned it all out. And it's taken me so long - too long to write. It's painful. It's such a struggle to sit there and do the thing; even though I try to relax and just let the words come out without judgment I inevitably scrutinize every line and I hate them all.

I mean, what am I even doing this for? I know there's this thing writers do where they're like "oh god, it's so hard and such a struggle and blah blah blah" and it sounds so self-absorbed to think that writing should be made to seem so much harder than anything else. We make stuff up; how hard is that? Tried building a bridge lately? Fighting social injustices? Nursing?

Actually, I am a nurse and I can tell you firsthand that going to that hospital and putting in a thirteen hour day in which I will likely be dealing in the blood and body elimination of a number of other human beings with hygienic standards well below my own is less daunting of a task than sitting down to write a single page of this goddamn script!

Why?

Confidence. I know what I'm doing at work and when I do it well I have a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. There's nothing of the kind to be had when writing. I'm in constant doubt about my own abilities to produce something of the slightest quality and as such every move I make is called into question. It's torture, in a way, because I can't help doing it yet I'm miserable when I do and at the same time I beat myself up when I'm not doing it because I'm not doing it enough. What kind of hell is this?

I don't have a resolution to share and I'm sick of writing about this. I'm going to go watch The Mindy Project and finish my pint of ice cream with peanut butter thrown in there (for protein, you know) and maybe later I'll return to my script with a fresh perspective and try my hardest to grasp a sense of freedom in the acceptance that I'm hundreds of thousands of pages away from writing anything that is any good but if I keep going I'll get there someday.

That's sort of encouraging, right?

I want to throw something.  

Bob's Burgers Puts Final Nail in the Thomas Edison Coffin

Get Netflix, watch this show.

So...what have I been up to? Gonna be real honest here, it's been mostly TV pilot writing, screenplay competition reading and Bob's Burgers on Netflix viewing. And the ratios for those three things aren't very good. Like, if the Empire State building were to represent the amount of time dedicated to Bob's Burgers, then my screenplay reading time would be best represented by the 1933 iteration of King Kong and my writing time represented by the unfortunate Ann Darrow (represented in the picture below by a kind of discongruent blip near the bottom, much like my writing).

"I should have thought this decision through more thoroughly!"

But I digress. Back to the point of this blog: Thomas Edison! Of course I've known for years that this man wasn't all grade school cracked him up to be, thanks in part to allusions made by TV and film (which is where I get most of my historical and scientific information). There was the movie The Prestige, which introduced the concept that Nikola Tesla was way ahead of Edison on a number of inventions that Edison was then able to steal with the help of the government. Then there was this Oatmeal comic to really drive it all home.

That's some hot hot alternating current Mr. Tesla/Bowie

But none of this - nothing - could have prepared me for Topsy. 

Edison, that sonofabitch, electrocuted an old circus elephant just to show how dangerous AC current was WHEN STRAPPED TO A LIVING THING! I mean, my god Edison! There's a microwave in every house, that doesn't mean you should SHOVE A CAT IN ONE TO PROVE HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE! YOU FREAK!

Okay, the caps are getting out of control, but can I get an amen here? Anyway, Bob's Burgers manages to take this and make a really funny episode out of it while still shaming the shit out of Edison, so check it out. 

And Thomas Edison, you are DEAD TO ME! DEAD! I mean, I know you're physically dead, but I mean your ENTIRE LEGACY IN THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY IS DENIED IN THIS HOUSE!  I am damn near tempted to HAVE CHILDREN just so that I can teach them what a MISERABLE LITTLE PISS ANT YOU ARE! 

Bob's Burgers Season 3 Episode 16

Anyway, check out the show it's really funny goodbye.

I Don't Have Time for This Right Now

Menfolk stumbling accidentally upon this post can just go ahead and move on their merry way right now because in this moment I have nothing for you and the talk is about to get all female up in here, so goodbye.

I would now like to address the completely irrational thought behaviors that I am experiencing due to a lack of balancing hormones circulating in my body and the fact that I am, at this very moment, awash with whatever hormone makes you a wining, crying melancholy bitch. I really should not be writing or even communicating with other life on any level right now, but I am just too overcome with the injustice of this whole bullshit system we call menstruation.

Bullshit, I say!

In addition to feeling actually crazy, I recently found out that successful writers appear to be neurologically similar to the mentally ill. So there are two distinct possibilities for my life going forward, and those are to either a). be a successful writer and predispose myself to mental illness or b). fail at being a successful writer, experience intermittent insanity on a monthly basis anyhow. HAHAHA - awesome! Not really. I want ice cream.

Period people, this is YOUR MOVIE!

And I don't have time for this right now because, you know what, I have very important writing to do that may or may not end up being something that someone else thinks is important and maybe will eventually lead to my, I don't know, entrance into a system that will inevitably lead to my mental demise. So, yeah, a little understanding and a box of wine and Emma Thompson would go a long way right now.

Also, in case you are also on your period and also feel like crying uncontrollably in public places and possibly even happen to live in New York, this is for you. Otherwise, generally speaking I'd say the spice aisle at your nearest grocer will suffice. Pick up some peanut butter and chocolate flavored cereal while you're there (something about the crunchiness and the flavor combination seems to quiet the demons for me).

The end!

Things I Love Lately

This isn't going to be earth shattering stuff here and, admittedly, I'm a little late to the party on some of this stuff. Still, there are things that have put absolute glee in my life lately and I feel I must share. So...

Evernote

Props to my brother, who told me about Evernote way back when I was but a nursing school drudge using a note taking app that I thought was revolutionary because you could color code the tabs. After school I wanted to burn it, but that would have been impossible without also, you know, damaging my phone so I simply deleted the app. Ha! Take that!

Lumping Evernote in with all the other free tasky note taking apps, I of course assumed it was something I would download, use for like a week then completely forget about and months down the road delete off my phone in an attempt to free up enough space for the most recent iOS update (what the hell is in those things)? I've had this thing for about a month and I believe the term that best describes my current feelings toward it is "geeking out."

I looooooooove it! Holy shit, holy shit! You can just put everything in here - EVERYTHING! Those workouts my sister sends me every week: Evernote. Online purchases I want to make: Evernote. Receipts from online purchases because I'm not very good about delaying gratification and plus I think I may have a problem: Evernote! Blog post ideas, random thoughts about any one of the three projects I'm working on right now, outfit ideas I pick up from the web or people on the street that I need to remember later in order to not look a fool when I dress myself in the morning (am I right, ladies?): Evernote, Evernote and Evernote!

You need it. You don't know that yet - well, I guess you do know because I just told you, unless you don't believe me, in which case I'm not sure why you're here... Just look into it.

Fade In

I have absolutely had it with Celtx. It's free, so I can't complain too much but I have reached that point in my screenwriting career where it's time to pony up and pay $200 for some real screenwriting software. Wait, what? $200? Two hundred dollars? That's (2). Handred. Dooollars? I'm going to make a short list of things I'd be willing to spend $200 on:

1. A plane ticket to Chicago

2. A pair of real pearl earrings

3. Someone to come into my apartment and clean the baseboards because MY GOD I can't get the years and years of other people's grime off of these damn things (I'm just realizing as I type this that I could probably have someone come do this for considerably less money...have to look into that).

And now, things I am not willing to spend $200 on:

1.  A plane ticket to Arkansas (yuck)

2. A side table that is basically a tree stump (West Elm, you can all go fuck yourselves)

3. Screenwriting software

Enter Fade In (notice I resisted the urge to say "Fade In: Fade In"). It is, honestly, everything a screenwriting software should be with the added bonus of being more current and having a developer that really listens to feedback. Also, I'm pretty sure when you purchase the software it comes with the optional add-on of having Craig Mazin come to your house in person should you find anything wrong with the program or if you just want to chat about how great it is. He's kind of a fan.

Speaking of Craig Mazin...

Scriptnotes

There are times when I remember to listen to Scriptnotes podcast, and those are happy times. Then there are times when things get busy and in all the bustling around I forget to listen to Scriptnotes; these are dark and confusing times, people. I love this show because in addition to learning about cool writerly things (like Fade In), you've got these two guys who couldn't be more opposite each other talking about things that are actually relevant and interesting to screenwriters, and sometimes disagreeing about those things which is one of the most valuable parts. Two great screenwriters disagreeing about something is the closest thing to magic you are going to get in this world.

So listen up.

The First Script You Ever Wrote

Last week, The Bitter Script Reader did a post related to a Go Into the Story post that asked, "What was the first script you wrote?"

"Hahahahahahaha!" was my response.

Because we all know full well that our first screenplay was a complete and terrifyingly disastrous attempt at telling a story that had no actual business being a story at all. Am I right,  guys? I mean, they all sucked. All of them. Sucked. They all - why do I get the feeling some of you are not agreeing with me? If you think your first outing was so great, just leave a description in the comments section and I will prove to you just how wrong you are about that!

Sorry. That was insecure, first-screenplay-me talking.

In all seriousness (which is my least favorite "in all"), every writer has at least two to three really shitty scripts in them. They're just in there, clawing their way out and until you let those buggers loose it will poison everything else you try to do. Well, I've let mine out, I can assure you. I'll prove it:

My First Ever Screenplay

After the death of her husband, a middle-aged woman (early thirties, because that was middle-aged when I was 19) embarks on a path of discovery that includes such exciting adventures as Bank Telling and Junior College and of course falling in love.

I remember thinking this was so good. "A movie about a young woman's path to discovering herself and falling in love - oh, how original!" And it had such great moments. Like the one where she's running because she's late for class, intercut with the roll call getting closer and closer to her name until she finally flings the door open just as her name is called and - uh oh - it's the wrong classroom!

Har. Har. Gets me every time.

Or the moment at the bank, when she pulls up to cash her final paycheck (I think she decided to move back in with her mom in Arkansas, or something really defeated like that) and she pulls up to the tube suction thing only to see that the bank teller is actually that guy she's been falling in love with this whole time and he professes his love for her (super eloquently; just great, unpredictable, super original dialogue happening there) and she goes to open her car door only to find that she's boxed in by the tube suction stations (I should really know what those are called). But not to be daunted, she rolls down her window and climbs out of her car to rush into her true love's arms.

SHE CLIMBS OUT THE CAR WINDOW, PEOPLE!

That's love.

What is this thing?

I remember there was a really pushy best friend and a dog, but other than that absolutely no supporting cast or discernible plot. And it was really fun to write. Because everything was so great; that first time, you have no idea how wrong it all is. It's just so pure and innocent and terrible and incredibly embarrassing.

But you keep doing it and after a while (think years) you may actually have something that you would willingly show another human being. And then you'll lie and tell that human being that this is your first screenplay and they'll go much easier on you. After that, you'll start to really get better until one day (think ten years) you'll look up from the page and go "I wrote that? But, but it's...not...nauseating." And that's when you know it's happening.

I'm Doing It All Wrong

There is no one right way to write. But I think I'm doing it all wrong. I just started a brand new first draft of my TV pilot script. Here's my progression this week:

Day one - 4 pages total

Day two - 7 pages total

Day three - 5 pages total

Day four - 5 pages total

To make it painstakingly clear, my total page count went up three pages from one day to the next, then dropped by two pages and stayed there for two days, even though I was writing each of those days. "Heresy!" you say. Calm yourselves; it's not witchery, nor logistical impossibility, just the result of some premature editing.

I write seven pages. Great. I go back, read the last two, they're boring, so I spice them up and condense them to one page. In total, I've just reduced my script but in quality I've just increased its value. I think. I simply cannot move forward when my previous stuff is so abysmal - it grates on my creative nerves.

Every time I rewrite, I crumple a blank piece of paper and throw it behind me.

My insecurity with this process lies in the fact that every professional level advice I've ever gotten about writing and rewriting is that you don't do this edit as you write thing. You basically vomit your first draft all over the screen and then when it is completely finished you go back and fix it all. The rewrite. The theory is that this way you will at least complete something, which is very important, and not get stuck trying to perfect every word until you're so sick of it that it never gets finished.

I believe this to be true. And I also disagree.

If I were to tell a beginner writer, someone still insecure and unaware about their own process, how to go about writing their script I would most definitely suggest this all-caution-to-the-wind form of first drafting (after rigorous outlining, of course) because it is a surefire way to get some satisfaction from actually completing something early on. When you're somehow not sure that you will actually finish a work, you need the speed and momentum of this process.

But knowing full well that I will complete this script, when I get to the end I want the best possible version and that is just going to happen my way. I edit as I go. Then I finish, and rewrite some more. And some more. And some more. It makes things better. It works for me. I am not ashamed. Hurl thy stones, I shall not be averted!

Obviously my blog posts are not held to this standard. It's also possible that my constant editing is an indication of some deficit in my outlining. Maybe. Probably. But mostly, this is how I choose to do it right now and so this is the way it is. Take your imperfect methods, your amateur habits, and get the stuff out there and onto a page. That's it. That's the whole thing. Oh yeah, and finish it. Mortal Kombat style KO that shit into submission!

This is exactly what finishing feels like.