Working Out and Writing and Why They're Impossible

Oh yeah, you read that right; I'm breaking some major metaphorical ground here by comparing working out to writing! I know, it's true - never been done. But I really just feel like there's some comparison to be made here, however obscure and abstract and truly original. Let's begin.

Why You're Not Working Out/Writing

Actually, the daily failure to do either really starts the night before, when lying in bed you make all these grand plans for the next day, the perfect day. "I'm going to get up early, go to yoga or that new spin class place, have a sensible breakfast and then sit at my desk and clack away at my keyboard until a glorious screenplay emerges." So you set your alarm, immediately feel amazing and fall blissfully asleep. And when that blessed alarm goes off at 7am the next morning, things will feel very, very different.

Because when that thing goes off at 7am one of two things is going to happen: you're either going to wake up in a complete panic, convinced that some sicko has snuck into your home overnight and set your alarm for 7am because otherwise WHY THE HELL is your alarm going off at 7am! or you will morph into a completely different person, jump out of bed, throw on your gym shorts and head for the  treadmill. Guess which is more likely to happen?

Well, this is just fun.

Ideology vs Actuality

The first problem here is that at some point in the planning of this new life, we envision ourselves actually liking it. When I picture myself getting out of bed early in the morning to squeeze a workout in before breakfast I see this shining, vigorous face that's just ready to take on her day! And not only is that exhaustingly ridiculous but it's just not real. No one looks like that in the morning.

When picturing ourselves as writers, sitting in that coffee shop or at a desk covered in breakthroughs all written down on decoratively cluttered pieces of paper, this smile of accomplishment on our faces, our families standing over our shoulders silently nodding their approval. Ah-bull. Ah-shit. If you ever see someone clacking away at their keyboard and they're smiling, that is called Facebook and it's happening all over the world and it's not writing.

That person who wakes up early or stays up late to cram in that workout is just as bleary-eyed and scowl-faced as they should be considering they're giving up moments of pleasure for awful, awful lonely pain. Have you ever actually watched people working out? It's ridiculous. Writing is like that; it looks painful and feels pointless and no one looks like they're having fun. It's terrible!

Practice Makes More Practice

Okay, these headings are beginning to sound like chapter markers on "Frasier." But this is my favorite point, so I'm keeping it. The thing about working out and writing is that it is absolutely guaranteed to work. Barring significant physical or mental issues, as long as you actually do it (and not just talk about doing it) you will get what you want; you will look better, you will be a better writer. The only problem is you have to do it like every day. Every other day is okay, but if you really want results you do some kind of working out/writing every single day. That's it. You will automatically get better, grow muscle, get results. And there's almost no ceiling on this; as long as you continue to do it, you will just get better and better.

So why don't we do it? Because we look stupid! We sound stupid! Everyone wants to be better, it's just so damn awkward to get better. You have to go through this really long phase of your legs jiggling every time you run, or spending a whole lot of time writing what is essentially five pages of two people standing there talking at each other. Disgusting! Who would ever want that?

The Pep Talk

Oh yes, you knew it was coming and here it is. I'm-a-git you pumped up so you can get out there and flex those writing muscles into a whole other weight class (forgive me). These are your marching orders, this is your anthem to repeat to yourself moment after literary moment until all is three-dimensional characters and subtexty dialogue. Are you ready? I said, are you - just read that previous line again. Here it is:

Drumroooooooll, pleeeeeeeeease...

Do it.

I can't really convince you; if you're not going to write you're not going to. And if you're going to, you will. You'll write every day, or every week or once a month or whatever. It's all you. There is absolutely nothing that can prevent you from or propel you into writing. All I know is writing can sometimes feel great and sometimes feel terrible and in both instances you are getting better. It's absolutely a fact. Do it.

Or don't. Whatever. Fine. It's been a long day.

But seriously, do it.