I went to a drum recital the other night (it's not a long story, but..). The youngest kids were up first, and completely dominated the place, just rocking away and enjoying it the whole time. I enjoyed watching them. Then the kids started getting older and a funny thing happened: I started enjoying it less. Sure, the cute factor was slightly lacking, but it was more than that. Then a girl, probably like seventeen, got up to sing and the transition became complete.
In the course of one hour there was a crowd shift from blissful enjoyment (aided by alcohol - only in Austin are drum recitals held at a full bar) to uncomfortable straining to disguise your dislike of what was going on. The only thing I can pin it on is the fact that the singer herself was so unbearably self-conscious, just standing there being pitchy with this quiver in her voice, that it created this air of awkwardness.
So, what is the difference between a four year old playing the drums moderately well and a seventeen year old singing moderately well? Why did I enjoy the clanging of this tiny person versus the teenager who Paula may have let slip through the first round of American Idol (oh yes, I just went old school Idol on you all)? Confidence. That tiny drummer could have run confidence circles around that girl and never missed a tiny beat. He smiled, he made eye contact with the crowd, he created an illusion of greatness merely by believing it himself. That kid was a drummer. She was just trying to sing.
So, at long last, I'll bring this back around to writing. I dislike describing myself as a writer to people because I feel all the falseness of it at once. To me, you're not a writer until you've actually made some money at it. When I graduated nursing school I didn't even tell people I was nurse; when they asked I would always say "I just graduated nursing school." When I started my job, that's when I really felt like a nurse. But writing isn't nursing.
Duh.
In writing, there is no penalty for mistakes. No one is going to die if you go out on a limb and try something new. And you can change your mind an infinite amount of times, so if something isn't working just go back and change it. Don't be like that girl who tepidly sings her song that was popular seven years ago, just barely scraping by with moments here and there that don't suck. Go. All. Out. Be like that freaking four year old who just banged on his drums and forced the bassist to modify the beat time and again, but who loved every minute of it and had the crowd enjoying every minute of it.
Basically, fake greatness. Don't be paralyzed by incision; don't back off the mic every time there's a high note, just go for it. You should be able to hit those notes because you did it a thousand times in practice. Practice! You're a writer, so get writing. Going around being afraid of telling people you're a writer is really just you being afraid to hold yourself to the expectation that a writer must write to maintain that title, so if you're going to call yourself a writer you pretty well better be writing.
I pretty well better be writing.
I spend 36-40 hours a week nursing. That pretty much definitely makes me a nurse. If I spent half that much time each week writing, I would have no problem telling people I'm a writer. Am I a great writer? No. I'm not a great nurse, either - I haven't been doing it long enough to be great at it. But I still call myself a nurse because I will be a great nurse; it's only a matter of time and repetition. If I want to be a great writer I need to do the same. You don't become something because you're great at it, you become something, you do it over and over and over and then you become great at it.
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