2014 Was My Setups Year

The ultimate cinematic example of setups and payoffs

If one of the marks of a truly great movie is a satisfying series of setups and payoffs, then might the same be said of a truly great life? Can we just say yes, so that the rest of this post makes sense? Thanks. As always, you're the best.

2014 has been my year of great setups. Not much actually happened this year, but a whole hell of a lot got put into motion and I feel like I can accurately predict the payoffs that will take place in 2015. And without further ado, here they are:

1. THE SETUP: I joined a writers' group. Co-founded it, actually, along with two other brave and artistically talented persons, and now we have five members altogether. This is the setup I'm most proud of, because of what I predict will be...

THE PAYOFF: A very productive writing year. A writers' group is so important, for more reasons than I have time for here, but the foremost reason being accountability. You have to look other writers in the face, writers you respect and admire, on a regular basis and justify yourself to them. They're going to expect some things, but mostly that you actually write. On a regular basis. To completion. My payoff will be just that.

2. THE SETUP: I changed the look of my blog.

THE PAYOFF: A renewed commitment, leading to more regular blogging. How you miss me when I'm away. It's for you, really, my faithful readers (mom).

3. THE SETUP: I bought quite a lot of workout clothes in 2014. I mean, good stuff too, not like the sale section at Target but like, full price douchey Lululemon stuff.

THE PAYOFF: I have to wear this stuff; it's like sweat-wicking gold! And I don't mean to the grocery store or "running errands," because exercise clothes as casual attire is NOT okay! Put on a damn pair of jeans and an ironic t-shirt if you're that lazy. Geez. But seriously, I need to workout more.

4. THE SETUP: I changed jobs. Still at the same hospital, but I figured "hey, why keep doing this easy chemo/seizure patients thing when I could roll with the big boys down in super scary and difficult ICU, am I right, play-az?" So I transferred to ICU. Obvi.

THE PAYOFF: Um...I don't really know. I guess my thinking was that this would be a step up? Financially speaking, it was a lateral move, but the ICU is pretty much the top of the nursing acuity spectrum, so once I finally get the hang of this thing, I might actually find myself enjoying it. Be a better nurse, maybe?

Speaking of nursing...

5. THE SETUP: Enrolled in my final nursing courses for my BSN.

THE PAYOFF: Be done with school and have more time to write, damn it!! Ugh, I hate school. I just hate it so much. I've almost never hated anything more than school and I've really hated a lot of things in my day, so yeah. Hate it. Let's finish that shit.

6. THE SETUP: Organized my Google Drive. I'm talking folders, file names that give a damn, appropriately numbering the bazillion different drafts and outlines that exist for the same project, opening folders for future projects. The works.

THE PAYOFF: If the concept of organization is "a place for everything and everything in its place," then by creating a place for something I'm basically guaranteeing that there will be something to place in it. Right?

7. THE SETUP: I found Evernote, YNAB and most importantly, Feedly. Oh Feedly, how I love thee. This is actually a huge deal that has already paid off in some big ways. YNAB has helped me micromanage my money (something that brings me almost more pleasure than ice cream), and Evernote is organizing my every thought and impulse into virtual notebooks (with pictures)! Feedly has lead me to better writing advice, understanding my skin type and going back to brunette (I mostly follow fashion blogs which, I make no apologies, is incredibly satisfying to me). I know how to do my eyebrows, you guys; I didn't even know you were supposed to do your eyebrows. The world is my oyster with these eyebrows!

THE PAYOFF: There's this great "take charge" kind of attitude that washes over you when you feel like you've got most of your shit together, and I'm talking financially, artistically and aesthetically. Looking good, feeling good, writing good - ahem - are all connected for me and I plan on taking these tools with me into the new year and using them to totally get a hold of myself.

8. THE SETUP: I researched a lot about how to Podcast.

THE PAYOFF: ?

Sorry, I just want one imaginary moment in time where I feel like I'm dropping a Beyonce-sized hint that will cause complete pandemonium and excitement.

And it's over. Thank you.

So, to sum up, 2015 looks to be promising the following things:

1. I'll be writing more

2. I'll be blogging more

3. I'll get in shape

4. I'll be a better nurse (boring)

5. I'll finish my degree (ugh, super boring - someone make it stop!)

6. I'll be generating writing ideas, treatments and outlines like a crazy person

7. I'll be in complete control of my life (yaaaaaaas, more control, everything exactly how I want it, perfect perfection, hehehe...)

8. I'll pretend to want to make a podcast but ultimately decide that no one is asking for that

There, now I've successfully disguised my resolutions in the form of a clever retrospective. Done. Now let's never speak of this again.  

Serial is the Downton Abbey of Podcasts

You remember when Downton Abbey came out and everyone was like, "Wait, Masterpiece Theatre is a thing?" Well, as previously mentioned here, I was never late to that party, but until recently my relationship with public radio has been mostly relegated to an occasional Prairie Home Companion and that one Saturday morning quiz show. And even then, it wasn't as if I was rubbing my palms together in juicy anticipation of the next episodes or that I was even sure when the next ones would be on; it was nice when I could catch them and no big deal if I didn't.

"Oh but, my dear, you know very well that Jay fellow simply cannot be trusted."

The next episode of Serial comes out this Thursday morning. I know this because, as of three days ago, along with the entire population of the world, I have become obsessed with this podcast. This nonfiction, NPR podcast. Think about that for a moment; think about how unlikely any one of those things are to motivate even the slightest interest in me. Nonfiction = boring. NPR = monotone. Podcast = glorified radio. I even had people all around me telling me how great this NPR podcast was and I was like, "um, no; I call bullshit."

It was actually this DIY fashion blog that provided the link that would completely obliterate all other plans for my Friday afternoon and lasting into the wee hours of the next morning. Anyone who saw me at this point would probably think I was going mad, hunched over my desk, staring at my computer screen with both hands pressed against my face in a look of deep concern, amazement and excitement.

How in the hell did they do this? Who was just sitting around the table at the weekly NPR think-up-a-catchy-podcast meeting and was like "there's this cold case about a teenager that might be interesting to every single person in the whole world, ever." And then BOOM! They put this thing out there that has the ability to occupy those portions of my brain otherwise devoted to thinking about Game of Thrones episodes and how to justify eating ice cream for dinner, again.

Sarah: Everyone's gonna be so pissed when they find out it's all just a dream.
         Ira: Haha - yeah. Hey, could you just slip it in there how handsome I am? it's just,

                being on the radio and all...some people may not know.

There's no reason you should believe a mad person, but I'm going to tell you anyway: you have to listen to this thing. Holy hell. And get comfortable; you have seven episodes to catch up on and if you think you're just going to listen to one here and there with breaks in between for things like eating, peeing and sleeping then you can just think again. Seriously, call in sick tomorrow because Serial has just become your full-time job.      

Begin...now.

AFF Friday

Can I just say (rhetorical questing incoming) how much I love John August? A major highlight of AFF is sitting in his panels, pretty well regardless of the subject matter. If Scriptnotes isn't a regular part of your life, then really what's the point (rhetorical question, no warning!)?

In all (most) seriousness, the podcast is great; informative and entertaining. Craig Mazin, also. 

Craig. Maaaaaazin. Yeah.

Just trust me on these two things: if you're a writer, you need Scriptnotes, and you'd probably really dig The Austin Film Festival.

Dig it, man. Mmm.

Check out the Scriptnotes link to your right.

Where I'll Be for the Next Few Days (Or, Why You Can't Get a Hold of Me...Mom)

Oh yeeeeah...

So, surprise; it's Austin Film Festival time! I did a pretty poor (nonexistent) job of building up to this considering what a HUGE deal it is. I really do look forward to this all year. If you've never been, you need to go (next year, though...).

You have a whole year to plan! 

You're welcome.

Flying: The Most Elaborate Way to Die

I bet there was a time (because I've seen the pictures) when flying was this classy event; women wore skirts, men wore blazer jackets and ties and the whole thing was just one long glamorous parade of beautiful people going somewhere exotic.

Now, there's a fully grown man sitting across the terminal wearing what I can only assume to be his pajama pants and flip flops. There's a woman in a full sweatsuit. T-shirts and jeans everywhere. There's one guy wearing a suit jacket and it makes him look like a real hoser. 

Dressing up at the airport now makes you look like a first-class douche.

Also, getting a pat-down in a skirt is slightly more violating, I feel. I got the once-over today because I put my ticket in the back pocket of my (very fancy, mind you) jeans before going through the body scanner. Apparently backscatter X-ray technology has not as yet been able to penetrate the devious potential of a single sheet of paper.

Okay, confession time: my real motivation in writing this is to broadcast the fact that I'm traveling. Traveling makes you important. Maybe I'm just going to Chicago for a wedding but also maybe I'm heading to New York to shoot pics for my Times editorial (hahaha - yeah, no, it's just the Chicago wedding thing).

More confessions: I paid $15 to board in group 1. Why did I do this? Because I can count at least six people sitting around here that obviously have more than the alotted two carry-ons and in addition to this gross disregard for basic flight etiquette at least one of those bags are GINORMOUS! Like well over the limit for the overheads. I am not checking baggage because Glambot over there can't tone it down a bit (that Louis Vuitton carport you call a tote is YOUR THIRD CARRYON!). 

Final confession: I look forward to flying because it is the only time that I can a) listen to Justin Tomberlake while b) reading fashion magazines actually from this month and c) eating peanut butter M&Ms all with absolutely zero guilt. This is not possible anywhere else in my life. I do feel a slight twinge when I think of the fact that should the plane go down, whoever sifts through the reckage and first finds my body will get a completely distorted view of who I was (I only read books and eat spinach at home, after all). Hey, I like Wilco, okay - I'm cool. 

Flying: the Russian roulette of the sky.

Please just acknowledge the fact that I'm traveling and you're not and that means I'm ahead. Just give me this.

And don't let these be my last written words - find my unfinished works! Tell tales of my brilliance unrealized! Feed my fish!

Kidding. I don't have fish - bleck, disgusting.

This vs This

So there's This:

And then there's This:

At first glance, This and This look like the same show only on different networks and one of them is more...blonde? Basically, my no TV status relegates me to Hulu and Netflix programming only (also to blame: the fact that no one will share their HBO Go password with me - you heartless bastards!), which means that other TV programming is dead to me. And these two shows looked cute, so...

After watching them, however, I quickly realized there is a HUGE difference between these two shows, like a deep cavernous chasm of a difference. They're actually a perfect pair because, held side by side, they present two ends of the sitcom romcom spectrum which begins with mundane and stereotypical on the far left and ends with clever and meaningful on the right. It's a horizontal line. Get it?

I need to learn how to draw this stuff. Is Paintshow still a thing?

A to Z

Love This. This is an example of a well thought out, carefully crafted story with enjoyable characters who are interesting in and of themselves and not just when they're together. You doubt me? I have examples! The name and the concept are actually connected. I know this sounds like a small thing, but think of how frustrating it is when a show has a generic name that only loosely fits in with what's going on (Forever, because he doesn't die, get it!?). A to Z, because their names are Andrew and Zelda, because it's a journey through their relationship from beginning to end (or so we're led to believe). There's a clear structure to the show. I like structure. I like to feel like a show knows exactly where it's going and not just fumbling through episodes fishing for laughs. 

Then there's the characters themselves. Andrew is a romantic who works at an internet dating company pushing hookups to maximize profits. What, what's that I hear? BOOM! That's the sound dramatic irony makes when it, when it's dropped, like, in a show...it's clever, okay. It means something. And then they match him with Zelda, a lawyer, someone practical and independent who's experience with love is that you should be careful and hedge your bets. Opposites attract and create maximum conflict and conflict is entertaining as shit. 

The narration is well done, too, and not just for the fact that it's Katy Sagal (who is THE woman), but it's clever in that she never reveals something without creating another question. A bad narration answers questions that the writer is too unskilled or just plain too lazy to show through action; here we have narration that actually further complicates the story, setting up little mysteries for the characters to reveal later on. It's brilliant. It's purposeful. 

And there's chemistry! My god, it actually feels like they should be a couple; there's actual good reason to want them to be together because they complement each other, they're good for each other, they...dare I say it...complete one another (sorry). I mean, look at them! Geez! I will go on record here and now stating that the whole "their relationship will last this-many-days..." is not a buildup to a breakup. It can't be. I won't have it. This show has created a need in me to see these two together forever and that is the very point of a romcom. 

On the other hand...    

Manhattan Love Story

Hate This. Hey, did you know that men like boobs and women like purses!?!? I mean, holy shit; I just had no idea that was a thing thank you so much for illuminating me and hahahaha what a funny way to bring this to the attention of the public at large (sarcasm). Have you ever seen that poster of a sinking Titanic with the subscript "It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to other?" This is like that. It may be that this show exists purely as a warning to us aspiring writers of what not to do. Do not take the easy road. Do not phone it in. Do not think that you can place two flawed humans in the same restaurant and sparks will fly and a romance will be born. 

For a show that relies solely on characters and doesn't seek to take on more cosmic questions of love and fate, it doesn't appear that much thought went into these two. In A to Z, Andrew is a hopeless romantic who works for a hookup dating service; here, Peter is a confirmed bachelor and boob man who works at...a trophy shop? We could stretch it and say he's an underachiever making trophies for other underachievers, but that's all I can do for them. Dana is new to the city, timid, insecure and works as a...copy editor? Not sure. Because IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing matters in this show. 

The hook of this show is supposed to be the ongoing inner monologues of the two key characters; the idea that we can hear what they're thinking during the entirety of their relationship is setup to be funny and illuminating. Hey, hey hey - did you know men like boobs and women like pur - oh I already told you that? Yeah, that last sentence is how this entire show feels. Here's an example:

Dana and Peter have met at a restaurant for their first date. Dana is laughing at Peter's jokes which spurs...

Peter's inner monologue: "Totally going back to my place. When's the last time I washed the sheets?"

Dana's inner monologue: "He thinks we're going back to his place; I hate that he's right."

This, in case you missed it, is supposed to be a joke. This was written for laughs. I'm not laughing, and the reason is largely due to the fact that Peter is set up as a guy who walks down the street assessing his desire to have sex with various women based on their boob size and Dana is set up as a woman who is, within minutes of meeting him, already so taken with boob guy that she considers intercourse between them to be all but a certainty. Despite the fact that this show is about two decades late to this particular brand of jokes, what I'm really offended by is the blatant mediocrity with which the show is executed. It's pure, unadulterated laziness. 

There appears to be no attempt at dramatic irony here, no effort to create two people who are fit for each other. It's just throwing two characters into the same environment and because they're the stars we're supposed to want these two passive characters who are of no clear benefit to one another to end up together? Even the name, Manhattan Love Story; why, because they're in New York? She's not even a New Yorker. This story could take place in any city, but the name of the city randomly chosen makes it into the title? 

Ugh. 

Here's my version: Manhattan Love Story - The inner monologues of two New Yorkers, one a high-powered editor of a leading tech magazine, the other an underachiever who makes participation trophies for peewee sports teams, illuminate the struggle of dating in the city that never sleeps. 

That's off the top of my head; it's shit, but it's better shit, in my humble opinion, than what they ended up putting out there (ABC, feel free to contact me for help; my fees are modest and I meet deadlines like a boss. I can come up with shit like this in my sleep. I got shit for days). 

Ahem. 

Bottom line, neither of these shows is a shining example of groundbreaking television. They aren't the next Breaking Bad. There is no new romcom under the sun, therefore you have to invest time and effort into crafting sympathetic characters who are in and of themselves unique enough to want to watch and, when put together, make a completed pair. Or a complete disaster. But never, NEVER a boring regurgitation of something that's been done a million time before. Work harder. Be better. Eat dinner.

What? I'm hungry.        

Unsolicited Reviews of Random New Fall Programing

Hulu and I spent some quality time together over the weekend and the result is a series of thoughts and opinions about the following:

Blackish

I like this show probably as much as a white girl can.  There are a lot of comparisons to The Cosby Show being thrown around there, but as someone who grew up watching Cosby in real time, this feels like a completely different thing. Where the Cosbys were a family that also happened to be black, this is a black family. What does that mean? Hell if I know! I think what I'm trying to say here is this show manages to be very self-aware while being relatable and funny. It's good. I like it.

Selfie

Now this is as white-girl a show as a white girl show can be. It's kind of difficult to get into, but Karen Gillan does such a convincing job of being that valley girl everyone hates while somehow managing to also be likable that I ended up watching the whole episode when I might have steered away after the weak setup. Also, had I not stuck in there I may have missed the fact that this show is vaguely based on My Fair Lady, which IS EVERYTHING TO ME AND DESERVES A MILLION ITERATIONS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY! Whether this is that remains to be seen, but it's an easy thirty minutes so I say watch it.

Gotham

So, there's a number of things you can do wrong when you're dealing with a subject matter that is pretty universally adored and still get away with it; you can be too heavy-handed, too campy, too dramatic, too nostalgic or just plain over-the-top and people will still excuse you because they want to like the show so they can watch the show and talk about the show with other people who are watching the show. What you can't do, under any circumstances, is be boring. You can't lose my interest. You can't lose my attention to Feedly every five minutes because then I'm just going to say screw it I'll come back to finish the episode later, which means never. I tried to watch this thing twice. TWICE! I'm at the 19:27 minutes marker and I just can't muster the energy to go any further. It should be all "Ooh, look it's the Riddler" and "there's young cat woman" or "Poison Ivy, wow!" I don't know why, but everybody in this show makes me tired. Even the chases seem slow. "A" for effort?

Forever

And then here's this show, which has no business getting watched all the way through. How many times are we going to do the thing where there's a hardened cop who finds an unconventional side-kick who doubles as a love interest? Now it's a guy who can't die because...he was struck by lightening one time? At sea? With a pocket watch? It's shoddy logic and a weak construct, but damn it if I wasn't entertained. Maybe it's the accent. I mean, look at the poster! Compare it to something like Gotham, where you've got some of the most famous and exciting comic book villains presented in a light you've never seen them before, with all the promise of fully fleshed out origin stories. Then there's Forever, which boasts a cityscape? Or this...

...a guy who looks heartily disappointed in me, somehow? I don't know what that look is, but it's not selling anything. And yet, the show was not bad. It was fine. I was entertained and I watched the whole thing. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Maybe it's me; maybe I'm having a weird week or something. Hands up in the air - I don't know. 

Also, Hulu, I'd like to call you out on something here...

TOP 10 RECOMMENDATIONS FOR YOU

Since you watched...

You may also like How to Get Away With Murder.

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How to Get Away With Murder

Drama

The brilliant, charismatic and seductive Professor Annalise Keating (Viola Davis) gets entangled with four law students from her class, “How to Get Away with Murder.” Little do they know that they... more

Really? These shows have nothing to do with each other. What the hell!?

Next time, an unsolicited set of reviews on returning shows that I'm pretty much just going to adore the shit out of. Until then, feel free to check out the above shows and disagree with me in comments (please won't somebody disagree with me in comments; so lonely). 

A New Post At Last

I don't think I've ever set up any expectation that my posting to this blog would be in any way consistent, either in frequency or quality. Why today, as opposed to any other day in the past three months, I've decided to return here is beyond me, except that I've just finished a very long and all-in-all very disappointing book and I have nowhere else to vent about it.

Another thing is, I'd hoped that my first post back would be something a little more momentous like announcing that I've finished that TV pilot script or...well, just that actually. I haven't. I'm two-thirds of the way through, but in all honesty that doesn't really matter since the entirety of it will have to be rewritten which I know doesn't negate the value of having written this version to start with but that it makes me feel like a failure. A slow failure.

There are a number of reasons why this version won't stand, not the least of which is the usual clumsy  structure and flat dialogue. It's too long. It doesn't make good use of conflict and there's an almost complete lack of subtext and dramatic irony. It's trying too hard. I'm at my wit's end with it because when I set out to write the thing it was this clear, entertaining but meaningful story that everyone was going to love - I mean, I enjoyed watching it unfold in my own mind (which sounds crazy, but unfortunately is not; a little insanity would likely make me a better writer).

And now the thing is on the page (computer screen) in its third iteration and still it's nothing like what I envisioned. The names are the same and they're all doing the things I thought they would do, but it's jumbled and doesn't feel the same as it did when I first planned it all out. And it's taken me so long - too long to write. It's painful. It's such a struggle to sit there and do the thing; even though I try to relax and just let the words come out without judgment I inevitably scrutinize every line and I hate them all.

I mean, what am I even doing this for? I know there's this thing writers do where they're like "oh god, it's so hard and such a struggle and blah blah blah" and it sounds so self-absorbed to think that writing should be made to seem so much harder than anything else. We make stuff up; how hard is that? Tried building a bridge lately? Fighting social injustices? Nursing?

Actually, I am a nurse and I can tell you firsthand that going to that hospital and putting in a thirteen hour day in which I will likely be dealing in the blood and body elimination of a number of other human beings with hygienic standards well below my own is less daunting of a task than sitting down to write a single page of this goddamn script!

Why?

Confidence. I know what I'm doing at work and when I do it well I have a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. There's nothing of the kind to be had when writing. I'm in constant doubt about my own abilities to produce something of the slightest quality and as such every move I make is called into question. It's torture, in a way, because I can't help doing it yet I'm miserable when I do and at the same time I beat myself up when I'm not doing it because I'm not doing it enough. What kind of hell is this?

I don't have a resolution to share and I'm sick of writing about this. I'm going to go watch The Mindy Project and finish my pint of ice cream with peanut butter thrown in there (for protein, you know) and maybe later I'll return to my script with a fresh perspective and try my hardest to grasp a sense of freedom in the acceptance that I'm hundreds of thousands of pages away from writing anything that is any good but if I keep going I'll get there someday.

That's sort of encouraging, right?

I want to throw something.  

Bob's Burgers Puts Final Nail in the Thomas Edison Coffin

Get Netflix, watch this show.

So...what have I been up to? Gonna be real honest here, it's been mostly TV pilot writing, screenplay competition reading and Bob's Burgers on Netflix viewing. And the ratios for those three things aren't very good. Like, if the Empire State building were to represent the amount of time dedicated to Bob's Burgers, then my screenplay reading time would be best represented by the 1933 iteration of King Kong and my writing time represented by the unfortunate Ann Darrow (represented in the picture below by a kind of discongruent blip near the bottom, much like my writing).

"I should have thought this decision through more thoroughly!"

But I digress. Back to the point of this blog: Thomas Edison! Of course I've known for years that this man wasn't all grade school cracked him up to be, thanks in part to allusions made by TV and film (which is where I get most of my historical and scientific information). There was the movie The Prestige, which introduced the concept that Nikola Tesla was way ahead of Edison on a number of inventions that Edison was then able to steal with the help of the government. Then there was this Oatmeal comic to really drive it all home.

That's some hot hot alternating current Mr. Tesla/Bowie

But none of this - nothing - could have prepared me for Topsy. 

Edison, that sonofabitch, electrocuted an old circus elephant just to show how dangerous AC current was WHEN STRAPPED TO A LIVING THING! I mean, my god Edison! There's a microwave in every house, that doesn't mean you should SHOVE A CAT IN ONE TO PROVE HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE! YOU FREAK!

Okay, the caps are getting out of control, but can I get an amen here? Anyway, Bob's Burgers manages to take this and make a really funny episode out of it while still shaming the shit out of Edison, so check it out. 

And Thomas Edison, you are DEAD TO ME! DEAD! I mean, I know you're physically dead, but I mean your ENTIRE LEGACY IN THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY IS DENIED IN THIS HOUSE!  I am damn near tempted to HAVE CHILDREN just so that I can teach them what a MISERABLE LITTLE PISS ANT YOU ARE! 

Bob's Burgers Season 3 Episode 16

Anyway, check out the show it's really funny goodbye.

I Don't Have Time for This Right Now

Menfolk stumbling accidentally upon this post can just go ahead and move on their merry way right now because in this moment I have nothing for you and the talk is about to get all female up in here, so goodbye.

I would now like to address the completely irrational thought behaviors that I am experiencing due to a lack of balancing hormones circulating in my body and the fact that I am, at this very moment, awash with whatever hormone makes you a wining, crying melancholy bitch. I really should not be writing or even communicating with other life on any level right now, but I am just too overcome with the injustice of this whole bullshit system we call menstruation.

Bullshit, I say!

In addition to feeling actually crazy, I recently found out that successful writers appear to be neurologically similar to the mentally ill. So there are two distinct possibilities for my life going forward, and those are to either a). be a successful writer and predispose myself to mental illness or b). fail at being a successful writer, experience intermittent insanity on a monthly basis anyhow. HAHAHA - awesome! Not really. I want ice cream.

Period people, this is YOUR MOVIE!

And I don't have time for this right now because, you know what, I have very important writing to do that may or may not end up being something that someone else thinks is important and maybe will eventually lead to my, I don't know, entrance into a system that will inevitably lead to my mental demise. So, yeah, a little understanding and a box of wine and Emma Thompson would go a long way right now.

Also, in case you are also on your period and also feel like crying uncontrollably in public places and possibly even happen to live in New York, this is for you. Otherwise, generally speaking I'd say the spice aisle at your nearest grocer will suffice. Pick up some peanut butter and chocolate flavored cereal while you're there (something about the crunchiness and the flavor combination seems to quiet the demons for me).

The end!

Things I Love Lately

This isn't going to be earth shattering stuff here and, admittedly, I'm a little late to the party on some of this stuff. Still, there are things that have put absolute glee in my life lately and I feel I must share. So...

Evernote

Props to my brother, who told me about Evernote way back when I was but a nursing school drudge using a note taking app that I thought was revolutionary because you could color code the tabs. After school I wanted to burn it, but that would have been impossible without also, you know, damaging my phone so I simply deleted the app. Ha! Take that!

Lumping Evernote in with all the other free tasky note taking apps, I of course assumed it was something I would download, use for like a week then completely forget about and months down the road delete off my phone in an attempt to free up enough space for the most recent iOS update (what the hell is in those things)? I've had this thing for about a month and I believe the term that best describes my current feelings toward it is "geeking out."

I looooooooove it! Holy shit, holy shit! You can just put everything in here - EVERYTHING! Those workouts my sister sends me every week: Evernote. Online purchases I want to make: Evernote. Receipts from online purchases because I'm not very good about delaying gratification and plus I think I may have a problem: Evernote! Blog post ideas, random thoughts about any one of the three projects I'm working on right now, outfit ideas I pick up from the web or people on the street that I need to remember later in order to not look a fool when I dress myself in the morning (am I right, ladies?): Evernote, Evernote and Evernote!

You need it. You don't know that yet - well, I guess you do know because I just told you, unless you don't believe me, in which case I'm not sure why you're here... Just look into it.

Fade In

I have absolutely had it with Celtx. It's free, so I can't complain too much but I have reached that point in my screenwriting career where it's time to pony up and pay $200 for some real screenwriting software. Wait, what? $200? Two hundred dollars? That's (2). Handred. Dooollars? I'm going to make a short list of things I'd be willing to spend $200 on:

1. A plane ticket to Chicago

2. A pair of real pearl earrings

3. Someone to come into my apartment and clean the baseboards because MY GOD I can't get the years and years of other people's grime off of these damn things (I'm just realizing as I type this that I could probably have someone come do this for considerably less money...have to look into that).

And now, things I am not willing to spend $200 on:

1.  A plane ticket to Arkansas (yuck)

2. A side table that is basically a tree stump (West Elm, you can all go fuck yourselves)

3. Screenwriting software

Enter Fade In (notice I resisted the urge to say "Fade In: Fade In"). It is, honestly, everything a screenwriting software should be with the added bonus of being more current and having a developer that really listens to feedback. Also, I'm pretty sure when you purchase the software it comes with the optional add-on of having Craig Mazin come to your house in person should you find anything wrong with the program or if you just want to chat about how great it is. He's kind of a fan.

Speaking of Craig Mazin...

Scriptnotes

There are times when I remember to listen to Scriptnotes podcast, and those are happy times. Then there are times when things get busy and in all the bustling around I forget to listen to Scriptnotes; these are dark and confusing times, people. I love this show because in addition to learning about cool writerly things (like Fade In), you've got these two guys who couldn't be more opposite each other talking about things that are actually relevant and interesting to screenwriters, and sometimes disagreeing about those things which is one of the most valuable parts. Two great screenwriters disagreeing about something is the closest thing to magic you are going to get in this world.

So listen up.

The First Script You Ever Wrote

Last week, The Bitter Script Reader did a post related to a Go Into the Story post that asked, "What was the first script you wrote?"

"Hahahahahahaha!" was my response.

Because we all know full well that our first screenplay was a complete and terrifyingly disastrous attempt at telling a story that had no actual business being a story at all. Am I right,  guys? I mean, they all sucked. All of them. Sucked. They all - why do I get the feeling some of you are not agreeing with me? If you think your first outing was so great, just leave a description in the comments section and I will prove to you just how wrong you are about that!

Sorry. That was insecure, first-screenplay-me talking.

In all seriousness (which is my least favorite "in all"), every writer has at least two to three really shitty scripts in them. They're just in there, clawing their way out and until you let those buggers loose it will poison everything else you try to do. Well, I've let mine out, I can assure you. I'll prove it:

My First Ever Screenplay

After the death of her husband, a middle-aged woman (early thirties, because that was middle-aged when I was 19) embarks on a path of discovery that includes such exciting adventures as Bank Telling and Junior College and of course falling in love.

I remember thinking this was so good. "A movie about a young woman's path to discovering herself and falling in love - oh, how original!" And it had such great moments. Like the one where she's running because she's late for class, intercut with the roll call getting closer and closer to her name until she finally flings the door open just as her name is called and - uh oh - it's the wrong classroom!

Har. Har. Gets me every time.

Or the moment at the bank, when she pulls up to cash her final paycheck (I think she decided to move back in with her mom in Arkansas, or something really defeated like that) and she pulls up to the tube suction thing only to see that the bank teller is actually that guy she's been falling in love with this whole time and he professes his love for her (super eloquently; just great, unpredictable, super original dialogue happening there) and she goes to open her car door only to find that she's boxed in by the tube suction stations (I should really know what those are called). But not to be daunted, she rolls down her window and climbs out of her car to rush into her true love's arms.

SHE CLIMBS OUT THE CAR WINDOW, PEOPLE!

That's love.

What is this thing?

I remember there was a really pushy best friend and a dog, but other than that absolutely no supporting cast or discernible plot. And it was really fun to write. Because everything was so great; that first time, you have no idea how wrong it all is. It's just so pure and innocent and terrible and incredibly embarrassing.

But you keep doing it and after a while (think years) you may actually have something that you would willingly show another human being. And then you'll lie and tell that human being that this is your first screenplay and they'll go much easier on you. After that, you'll start to really get better until one day (think ten years) you'll look up from the page and go "I wrote that? But, but it's...not...nauseating." And that's when you know it's happening.

I'm Doing It All Wrong

There is no one right way to write. But I think I'm doing it all wrong. I just started a brand new first draft of my TV pilot script. Here's my progression this week:

Day one - 4 pages total

Day two - 7 pages total

Day three - 5 pages total

Day four - 5 pages total

To make it painstakingly clear, my total page count went up three pages from one day to the next, then dropped by two pages and stayed there for two days, even though I was writing each of those days. "Heresy!" you say. Calm yourselves; it's not witchery, nor logistical impossibility, just the result of some premature editing.

I write seven pages. Great. I go back, read the last two, they're boring, so I spice them up and condense them to one page. In total, I've just reduced my script but in quality I've just increased its value. I think. I simply cannot move forward when my previous stuff is so abysmal - it grates on my creative nerves.

Every time I rewrite, I crumple a blank piece of paper and throw it behind me.

My insecurity with this process lies in the fact that every professional level advice I've ever gotten about writing and rewriting is that you don't do this edit as you write thing. You basically vomit your first draft all over the screen and then when it is completely finished you go back and fix it all. The rewrite. The theory is that this way you will at least complete something, which is very important, and not get stuck trying to perfect every word until you're so sick of it that it never gets finished.

I believe this to be true. And I also disagree.

If I were to tell a beginner writer, someone still insecure and unaware about their own process, how to go about writing their script I would most definitely suggest this all-caution-to-the-wind form of first drafting (after rigorous outlining, of course) because it is a surefire way to get some satisfaction from actually completing something early on. When you're somehow not sure that you will actually finish a work, you need the speed and momentum of this process.

But knowing full well that I will complete this script, when I get to the end I want the best possible version and that is just going to happen my way. I edit as I go. Then I finish, and rewrite some more. And some more. And some more. It makes things better. It works for me. I am not ashamed. Hurl thy stones, I shall not be averted!

Obviously my blog posts are not held to this standard. It's also possible that my constant editing is an indication of some deficit in my outlining. Maybe. Probably. But mostly, this is how I choose to do it right now and so this is the way it is. Take your imperfect methods, your amateur habits, and get the stuff out there and onto a page. That's it. That's the whole thing. Oh yeah, and finish it. Mortal Kombat style KO that shit into submission!

This is exactly what finishing feels like.

The Pressure of Being Brilliant

Being a genius is so, like, ugh sometimes. Right?

Right guys?

Guys?

Okay, wait - if I'm not a genius or something then why is it that every time I sit down to write I immediately assume the expectation that it has to be FUCKING SCHINDLER'S LIST!? Not the best reference there, but this is exactly my point. There's this pervading idea that if you're not about to sit down and pen the next American masterpiece, then you might as well vacuum the floor or continue binge watching...binge watching...whatever the new binge watching show is, I don't know, I'm writing! Is it still House of Card!?

The problem with this idea is it is completely and collective made up in our own minds. I start to go down this rabbit hole of logical conclusions, which starts with "but I only have thirty minutes to write" and ends with "thank god I finally got that bookcase organized." It's the pressure. You figure thirty minutes isn't time enough to really eek out anything worthwhile, so another day goes by without anything getting actually for real written down. And, you know, you've got an organized bookcase but that is NO conciliation.

Who do I think I am, this guy? This guy!?

I don't know what your stuff looks like, but I know for a fact that nothing I ever write turns out the first time around. It's all terrible, all of it, even the stuff I'm really pumped about ends up getting changed in the end. If I could manage to shake the idea that everything I type out has to be Oscar gold, it would remove a lot of mental barriers to actually writing. Plus, come on; where do I get off acting like brilliance is a standard I'm in the least able to hold myself to. Come on.

Maybe if brilliance existed on a continuum. Maybe then. But I'm way to the left.

It doesn't matter, because the real problem is that there is brilliance in there, it's just tucked away, forced into a dark corner by all the other shitty ideas crowding it out for attention. You have to file through all those really terrible plot points and bits of inane dialogue to get to the really good stuff, the gold, the two peanut M&Ms that through some freak factory accident got melted together to form one amazing double peanut M&M!

Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

And it's okay to spend just thirty minutes on something that you know damn well is going to take years of your life to complete, because you know, thirty minutes here, a couple of lines there, and BAM! You have a screenplay. Just like that. I guarantee you if you keep putting words into your computer processor at some point you will have enough words strung together to constitute a screenplay. It's just logic.

Now stop thinking and go write something!

Working Out and Writing: the Metaphorical Saga Continues

After my last post, which came off as a bit of a downer, I thought I'd try my hand at doling out some actual tools to help you a. work out or b. write more. As motivating as being told to "just do it" is, hindsight suggests there may be more tips worth mentioning, and these are those:

1. Pool Your Resources

Look around you; who else is writing? You've got at least one writer friends, right? No? Are there groups, clubs, general hangouts which you could frequent to keep this whole writing thing at the forefront of your brain? My sister is a personal trainer, so I asked (demanded) that she put together some workouts for me. I have a friend who I met on what was essentially a blind date for screenwriters and she has become my number one motivator when it comes to my writing. Find your people, get involved.


2. Create Expectations

There are expectations you have of yourself, of course, but I find that those mostly just serve to impose overpowering guilt on oneself when those expectations are not met. Being accountable to yourself exclusively does not work; you have to find a way to get other people to impose your expectations on yourself. I made that sound tricky on purpose, just for fun. It's actually insanely easy!

Use your resources, tell them what you're working on and ask them to read what you have and then give them a timeline as to when you'll have the next part done. That's it; now you have someone to hold you accountable and to encourage you on. My sister put her time and effort into making me a personalized workout plan; do you think I'm just going to piss all over that because I don't feel like doing burpees today (fair warning: you will never feel like doing burpees, they are the scourge of hell and should not be allowed to be a thing)? My friend took the time to read over my treatment and give me feedback and encourage me on, should I just be like "great, thanks a ton, I'm pretty much going to forget all about this now."

No!

3. Get You Some New Digs

Now that these people are aware of your plans to write/workout, you have to actually do those things. This is surprisingly hard, even in the face of disappointing friends and family and yourself. So go shopping! I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but buying a new workout tank increases the likelihood that you will actually workout by about 400%. About a month ago I was in a writing slump, so I went to Target and bought two Moleskin notebooks and a nice Sharpie pen and set it on my nightstand and I've been writing every day since. It just works for me. If you don't want to spend money (we can't all be wealthy nurses and social workers), make old things look new. Find an old t-shirt and cut it into a tank, pull out an old notebook you forgot about or just clean up your damn desk for once! Make it work.

4. Set A Routine

You have to know when you're going to do this stuff. You can't be all "I'm going to write at some point today," because the vagueness of that statement pretty much ensures that you won't. You have to be more concrete. "Today I'm going to write from 6pm until 9pm and then I will watch Game of Thrones as a reward." I've started scheduling my writing sessions by the week; every Sunday I program writing blocks into my calendar. I do the same with workouts; I set myself up to go on autopilot in that transition between not working out and working out, not writing and writing. "It's 6pm, time to write; the schedule says so."

Sitting in front of your blank page long enough for your friend to paint you that way is still writing.

5. Don't Go Overboard

You really don't want to go from couch to working out every single day and eating only plants and legumes in one fell swoop (or ever, if you're me). You're not going to suddenly be writing five hours a day if you're used to five hours a week; it's just not sustainable. Little by little, though, you can increase your threshold. This week I worked out three times, and that was something I had to build up to. Next week I'll bump it to four times. Writing through coffee and a muffin on my days off was my starting point. Now it's every day, in some capacity at least. You can make small changes; everyone can. And if you can't, maybe this is not what you really want.

A General Note

Maybe if we stop chanting to ourselves the mantra of how writing is so hard, or burpees are the shortest path to certain death, we may think differently about doing it. If the idea of actually writing is too overwhelming then just simplify. Don't visualize the actual act of writing, just think of sitting at your desk. Walk over and sit down. Put that computer on your lap. That's it. That's writing, or it will be very soon. Put your workout clothes on and walk into the gym or yoga studio or poll dancing class or whatever it is you've decided to get into. Don't right away start thinking about how hard it's going to be and how much you're going to sweat and grunt and burn - just walk in the doors. That's it, the rest is automatic. Muscle memory will take over; your mental faculties will kick in and words will appear at your fingertips.

If you want to be fit, workout. If you want to be a writer, write. These are fundamental principles that are guaranteed to work. There's not much more to be said about it.

Working Out and Writing and Why They're Impossible

Oh yeah, you read that right; I'm breaking some major metaphorical ground here by comparing working out to writing! I know, it's true - never been done. But I really just feel like there's some comparison to be made here, however obscure and abstract and truly original. Let's begin.

Why You're Not Working Out/Writing

Actually, the daily failure to do either really starts the night before, when lying in bed you make all these grand plans for the next day, the perfect day. "I'm going to get up early, go to yoga or that new spin class place, have a sensible breakfast and then sit at my desk and clack away at my keyboard until a glorious screenplay emerges." So you set your alarm, immediately feel amazing and fall blissfully asleep. And when that blessed alarm goes off at 7am the next morning, things will feel very, very different.

Because when that thing goes off at 7am one of two things is going to happen: you're either going to wake up in a complete panic, convinced that some sicko has snuck into your home overnight and set your alarm for 7am because otherwise WHY THE HELL is your alarm going off at 7am! or you will morph into a completely different person, jump out of bed, throw on your gym shorts and head for the  treadmill. Guess which is more likely to happen?

Well, this is just fun.

Ideology vs Actuality

The first problem here is that at some point in the planning of this new life, we envision ourselves actually liking it. When I picture myself getting out of bed early in the morning to squeeze a workout in before breakfast I see this shining, vigorous face that's just ready to take on her day! And not only is that exhaustingly ridiculous but it's just not real. No one looks like that in the morning.

When picturing ourselves as writers, sitting in that coffee shop or at a desk covered in breakthroughs all written down on decoratively cluttered pieces of paper, this smile of accomplishment on our faces, our families standing over our shoulders silently nodding their approval. Ah-bull. Ah-shit. If you ever see someone clacking away at their keyboard and they're smiling, that is called Facebook and it's happening all over the world and it's not writing.

That person who wakes up early or stays up late to cram in that workout is just as bleary-eyed and scowl-faced as they should be considering they're giving up moments of pleasure for awful, awful lonely pain. Have you ever actually watched people working out? It's ridiculous. Writing is like that; it looks painful and feels pointless and no one looks like they're having fun. It's terrible!

Practice Makes More Practice

Okay, these headings are beginning to sound like chapter markers on "Frasier." But this is my favorite point, so I'm keeping it. The thing about working out and writing is that it is absolutely guaranteed to work. Barring significant physical or mental issues, as long as you actually do it (and not just talk about doing it) you will get what you want; you will look better, you will be a better writer. The only problem is you have to do it like every day. Every other day is okay, but if you really want results you do some kind of working out/writing every single day. That's it. You will automatically get better, grow muscle, get results. And there's almost no ceiling on this; as long as you continue to do it, you will just get better and better.

So why don't we do it? Because we look stupid! We sound stupid! Everyone wants to be better, it's just so damn awkward to get better. You have to go through this really long phase of your legs jiggling every time you run, or spending a whole lot of time writing what is essentially five pages of two people standing there talking at each other. Disgusting! Who would ever want that?

The Pep Talk

Oh yes, you knew it was coming and here it is. I'm-a-git you pumped up so you can get out there and flex those writing muscles into a whole other weight class (forgive me). These are your marching orders, this is your anthem to repeat to yourself moment after literary moment until all is three-dimensional characters and subtexty dialogue. Are you ready? I said, are you - just read that previous line again. Here it is:

Drumroooooooll, pleeeeeeeeease...

Do it.

I can't really convince you; if you're not going to write you're not going to. And if you're going to, you will. You'll write every day, or every week or once a month or whatever. It's all you. There is absolutely nothing that can prevent you from or propel you into writing. All I know is writing can sometimes feel great and sometimes feel terrible and in both instances you are getting better. It's absolutely a fact. Do it.

Or don't. Whatever. Fine. It's been a long day.

But seriously, do it.
 

Writers Who Aren't Actually Writers and They Are Me

It's the funny thing about calling yourself a writer, there's not really any form of validation you need to offer up besides the phrase "I'm a writer." Literally anyone can say it and there's no way to monitor this shit. Right now, this is writing, I am writing; so I'm just a writer now, am I? Or am I just a blogger, since that is the format in which I have chosen to write? Am I a blogger, writer, freelance food critic because I occasionally offer restaurant reviews on Yelp?

How did this happen? No other thing is like this at all. You don't just say, for example, "I am a musician" because you picked up a Ukulele while vacationing in Hawaii and have managed to eek out a couple chords on demand every time there's a lull in the dinner conversation. You don't say "I am a basketball player" because you successfully completed a game of pick up with some office buddies after work a few Fridays ago. Other professions have standards, they have actual rules about when you can and can't call yourself a part of them.

Where is this all coming from? Well, I've been thinking a lot lately about me (shocker) and then Chuck Wendig (via his amazing blog that you should follow immediately because it will make you better) asked writers to really evaluate themselves. It made me think about how invested I am in this writing thing; am I really a writer or do I just play one a couple days a week? Anyway, here are my answers. Head over to his blog and leave your own in comments.

a) What’s your greatest strength / skill in terms of writing/storytelling?

I think I know how to make characters talk in such a way that not too much eye rolling goes on.

b) What’s your greatest weakness in writing/storytelling? What gives you the most trouble?

Sometimes I want to make certain things happen so badly that I can't see how terrible it makes the story as a whole.

c) How many books or other projects have you actually finished? What did you do with them?

I've finished two books that I gave to my friends and family and this one English tutor I had in high school who is a genius. I wrote a play and we used it as a dinner theatre fundraiser for a fine arts trip. I've finished three screenplays, one of which has every potential to not suck, all of which I gave to other screenwriting friends and one of which (the not-sucking one) I paid for coverage on. Nothing published, nothing I got paid for.

d) Best writing advice you’ve ever been given? (i.e. really helped you)

"I need you to work harder; the first thing you came up with is good, but that will never matter if you don't really work at it."

e) Worst writing advice you’ve ever been given? (i.e. didn’t help at all, may have hurt)

"Have you ever thought about getting a writing coach?" Well-meaning sisters are the worst.

f) One piece of advice you’d give other writers?

Fucking write. Let's all just fucking write.

It's A Mad Mad Mad Men World

I've been in a Mad Men haze. I remember all the hype when it first came out, but somehow it fell off my radar and until my Netflix suggested it to me (you know me so well, computer) I had completely forgotten about it. So I thought why not get this male-dominated, pro-establishment long winded commercial for Johnson & Johnson products started?

Holy production value, Batman.

I thought people were watching this for the costume design! I had no idea, NO IDEA, how good this show is. I had all but written this thing off, shoving show fans into two categories: Joan boob enthusiasts and Draper face/body obsessives (I'm both, for the record). But as predominant as those two things are, the writing overshadows them. My god this show is well written. So much so, that I'm going to make a pretty polarizing statement:

This is the best show ever. And I've seen Breaking Bad.

"Let me help you sell your, what did you call it, Meth?"

No show has done more with less. This is essentially a story about men who help sell products through clever advertising who also, in their spare time, cheat on there wives with anything that moves. Do you see how impossible that sounds? The crux of the whole thing lies in us caring about these characters, because otherwise who gives two shits about how many pantyhose Turquoise sells? At the same time, the people we're supposed to care about are the worst! Just terrible, selfish, depressed, sorry sad people. This can't possibly work.

And then it does! It's crazy! Think of how hard that must be. With Breaking Bad you've got a cancer scare, followed by drugs, followed by guns and bad guys and then the good guy is turning into the bad guy - just real life and death stuff. Mad Men has this dude who's pretty good looking but essentially a deserter who cheats on his wife a ton and is good at tricking people into thinking they want to buy cigarettes and eat baked beans.

There are a lot of reasons Mad Men is a great show, and probably a million different people who could (and likely already have) analyze it far more accurately than me. So, I can only give my perspective on why I think this show is my favorite. I'm capping it at three:

1. Subtlety
2. Design
3. Endings

It's so subtle that, at first, you don't realize how profoundly sad it is. It's so sad that you go past feeling sad for these people, beyond sympathizing, and actually develop a deep sadness within yourself for absolutely no reason other than you're watching this show. It's a terrible thing to do to somebody! Who thought to do this with a television show, because they're absolute sadist weirdos.

The clothes are tremendous. The sets are tremendous. I want to BE Joan.

How is that body even possible!?

The endings; so tightly written. Beginnings are easy, Draper begins things with women so effortlessly and there's punchy dialogue and sex and that feeling that maybe now he's found happiness. But endings are so tedious because they're inevitable and without any of the excitement of the beginnings. Except when this show does it; you still know it's coming but it's presented in such a way that instead of it feeling like a door closing or a flame going out on a certain storyline it's like five new bay windows flying open and an entire forest is burning to the ground behind them (that metaphor is exactly why I'll never write for this show).  

Mad Men! Watch it!