On Hiatus

For those of you who have been missing my blog entries lately (Julia, Dad), I should mention that for the entire month of April I have taken off the pursuit of yet more rejections in favor of creative writing. I am participating in ScriptFrenzy (http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/). It's for screenwriters, playwrights, TV writers who want to connect with others in their area who share this interest. The month of April is script writing month, where members commit to 100 pages by the end of the month. Today I am on page 46. Next month I will be back, however. Back into the trenches where shots of insecurity whizz ever so often passed my ears.

Kindly Rejection

I must make a note here that Miriam Altshuler of Miriam Altshuler Literary Agency has sent me the kindest rejection letter that I ever expect to receive. She called me a "talented" and "humorous" writer, and I am very surprised and warmed by the fact that she took time out to reject me in a proper and respectful way. Someday, I would like to work with this woman.

Back On Track

I will admit, I took a little detour there for a few weeks. But, finding that the road of self-pity and over-eating is a sad and lonely one, I have returned with new resolve and a spirit of irrational determination. Yesterday I unleashed a veritable blitz of Query letters, six in one day, and I feel all the accomplishment that certain, yet postponed rejection can possibly allow. I will not be silenced. I refuse all the fleeting emotions of apathy and defeat, and instead I willingly accept the victory I know is hiding somewhere behind all this mess of No's.

Failure Deferred

I give up. I mean really, how much longer am I expected to withstand this constant bludgeoning to my self-esteem? This violent deference, from which I am supposed to glean some kind of constructive criticism. Just as the burning amber of my hope is fanned into a small flame by some show of interest, it is subsequently dowsed with gallons and gallons of icy cold water - snuffed out without any hint of a rekindle (Miriam Altshuler, you broke my heart). Granted, I have only officially received three rejections, but the fourth is on its way, and already, at this very early stage, I almost want to throw my hands up and go back to a life of ambiguity (or return to my life of ambiguity, rather). I know I have to press on, not because anyone is counting on me, but because I can't stand the thought of not succeeding, and as long as I am still engaged in this futile effort, as hopeless as it may be, I have still managed to defer failure.

Interest!

Alert! Alert! An agent has shown interest in my work, and requested that I send her the first 50-100 pages of my manuscript. Being that this was only my second query ever, when I arrived home last night to see the return envelope sitting on my desk I fully expected outright rejection. On opening it, I was excited to see that this rejection was at least signed by the agent herself, and on further inspection I realized that it was not a rejection at all, but a request to see more of my work. Miriam Altshuler, I knew I liked you. Of course, this is by no means a positive indication of what is to come. My 99 pages and the $12 it cost to mail them may all be returned to me without any chance of representation, but I can't tell you how cool it feels to write "Requested Material" on that envelope. Like a secret code that means "push me to the front of the line people - Miriam is expecting me." Even if nothing comes of it, this request to read more is an indication to me that the very idea of my book is enough to elicit interest, and that it is not a silly piece of nonfiction that only myself would be interested in, as is often my fear as I lay awake at night grinding my teeth together thinking "hey, I'm not supposed to grind my teeth. All those horrible things the dentist told me would happen. Oh, why didn't I just buy that mouthguard - it wasn't that expensive. I just kept thinking about all the postage I was going to have to cough up and I thought 'I can stop grinding my teeth whenever I want,' and now look at me, lying awake in lock-jaw position just asking for dentures. Four and a half years of braces down the toilet."

Small Successes

When in the midst of a lengthy process such as getting published, it is important to maintain a steady stream of small, if not very small successes. In my particular case, success is when I need only send a query letter, as opposed to a whole proposal package, therefore cutting down on postage costs, which prolongs my life since then I will be able to buy groceries. Or, as happened just this week, I am able to use sample chapters returned by one agent, in a proposal package for another agent since the pages are still in such good shape. Lastly, I am quite proud of myself for successfully mailing off not one, but two queries this week, thus speeding along the process. Although, statistically speaking, twice as many queries will only result in twice as many rejections, I am willing to take the long-term risk for the short-term feeling of actual accomplishment.

Query #2

This week's lucky agent is Miriam Altshuler of Miriam Altshuler Literary Agency. Ms. Altshuler is a favorite of mine already, just for the simple fact that she asks only for a Query letter. Instead of stuffing a manila envelope with thirty pages worth of outline and sample chapters, affixing a four dollar postage to it, only to have it all come back to you in another envelope (which you also posted) with a postcard sized generic rejection attached, I can simply take a plain white letter envelope, slap a stamp on it, and send it on it's merry way. Sure it will come back. Sure it will be accompanied by a non-specific rejection of some sort, but I'll know in my heart that I did my very best in that Query letter, and that all together that rejection only cost me $0.82. So thank you, Miriam Altshuler of Miriam Altshuler Literary Agency. I respect your preferences.