An Unsolicited and Probably Unnecessary Commentary on the British TV Show Robin Hood

Let's just get one thing out of the way here. I watch this show:

It's British, it's costumes; I can't really resist both of those things together.

So, now that that's established and we're all clearly over it, I shall commence with being very particular about why I feel jilted. And I do, very much so, feel jilted.  Oh, and I hardly have to say it but if you plan on watching this show and potentially enjoying it, then read no further because I will ruin that for you.

#1 Problem: this guy. I hate to point fingers, but this is Robin Hood? This is the same problem I had with Legend of the Seeker (trust me, it's as painful to write that as it is for you to read it); you pick these men to play mythical larger-than-life heroes and they look like underwear models. I don't mean the big burly Hanes models either, I mean the half-emaciated, Calvin Klein, should-be-carrying-a-shot-tray-at-a-gay-bar kind of body construct. What is with the British and these small leads? And I could overlook this size issue if the character itself were spot on, but not even that feels right. Robin Hood defied a kingdom, raised an army out of nobodies, lured people to live with him in the woods (now this is sounding creepy); women wanted to be with him, men wanted to be him - it takes a very specific set of criteria to inspire this kind of worship: charm, charisma, a cool head in dangerous situations. This Robin Hood spends most of his time with this pained look on his face or shouting at whoever is in front of him. Seriously, he shouts a lot in this show. He shouts at Maid Marian, and he's supposed to loooove her.

#2 Problem: Maid Marian. I take particular issue with shows that use female characters as indecisive ninnies who manage to screw everything up and are in perpetual need of being rescued. To the show's credit, they tried to represent Marian as an independent fighter with a heart for the people when they made her the Night Watchman, but even then she could barely make a food drop without creating problems for Robin and the gang. And for the love of god, just have the woman make up her mind. Yes, love triangles are interesting but they're also lazy writing, and I'm glad that women are given this free pass to change their minds ad nauseum and no one dares say a word about it, but sometimes women just know who they want to be with and they make that happen. Her reasons for staying in the castle and the constant buttering up of Sir Guy were shoddy plot work at best.

#3 Problem: The bad guy is waaaaay hotter than the good guy. Sir Guy looks like he could kick Robin's ass three ways to Sherwood and still have time to dry clean his pleather. Seriously, runny eyeliner and all, this Sir Guy character is impossible to root against. Maid Marian sees this dude every day in the castle and she's still (mostly) loyal to Robin? I don't think so. Not buying it.

#4 Problem: Not buying this one, either. Maybe it all comes back to my not really seeing the attraction of our lead outlaw, but Maid Marian is cold for maybe two minutes before Robin gets hot and heavy with Isabella who turns out to be bad so he sort of settles for Kate? Um, no. Here's what you don't want to see: A dude get married. In that same episode that dude's wife is murdered. In the next episode that dude is kissing another chick. Within five episodes that same dude is kissing yet another chick. And the way it happened was just a mess. Kate joins the gang. Much likes her, Alan does not. Clearly, so clearly, this is Alan's girl. Instant chemistry between those two characters; you can see it a mile away and yet they throw her on Robin. It's so forced. She's like "Robin, I like you," and he's all "You do? Oh, well, okay; yeah, this could work." Come on.

But don't worry BBC professionals, this amateur writer has got it all worked out for you. Take these notes, give it five years, then relaunch the series and watch the ratings soar. Trust me: I watch a lot of TV.

First, this is your new Robin Hood:

This guy played Archer, Robin's half brother, for a few episodes in Series 3. He's got the build of a Robin Hood, a way better outfit, and he's super witty. Most importantly, he has a killer smile and he doesn't shout. NO MORE SHOUTING!

Next, I need to see way more of these people:

The Sheriff. This guy is a genius. It wasn't really fair that he should slave away at catching Hood for two whole seasons and then he's benched until the end of series 3. No, you keep him all the way through. Also, he looks a bit like Billy Joel. Just saying.

Much is probably the most underutilized character in all of TV history. He's funny; I'd much rather spend time with him than the former Robin Hood (that guy was always so tense; always shouting). And to not give him a chick is just cold. I know he had that one episode, but come on. Kate and Much, way better match. Think about it.

Why did we wait until series 3 to bring out Prince John, because he was amazing (and then he just disappeared again)? This guy was a complete psycho. Thoroughly entertaining.

Isabella. Come on. Best character ever. Way better than Maid Marian, blows Kate out of the water. Take a hint from Sherlock and draw out the sexual tension between her and Robin to the bitter end, and then don't blow her up; get them together.

In addition to the above changes, I would like to see the following: Little John gets his family back, Will and Jack return for finale, more archery contests (duh!), more clever forest traps (I want people falling into leaf-covered pits, being strung up in nets, arrows released by tripwire, Robin's merry men swinging from more trees), Sir Guy lives (did you see him in North and South? Go watch that. It's great), and either completely eliminate the Maid Marian character or give her a freaking spine. Seriously, so annoying. 

I'm finished.

Stuck In The Second Act

Ugh...

Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to be stuck anywhere in the writing process since it is confirmation that I am at least in the process of writing something. And to someone who has no motivation beyond the inner need to create stories, having no promise of economical or even social gain from said stories, to be involved in the act of writing is almost a miracle.

For the fifth time I am writing the first draft of my alien script, and through shear force of will this is the draft that makes it all the way. Is it the best possible scenario for these characters? Is this plot the greatest I could must? I have no idea. But I like it, and through the editing process (which I am trying hard not to think about due to its paralyzing effect on my creativity) I hope that this will eventually be the best version of this current version.

First drafts are exciting - they're like this anything-goes kind of storytelling. You put something down and you're like "that's not very good," or "that's much too far-fetched" and it's okay because you know you have months and months of exhaustive rewrites ahead of you in which to fix these problems. Go for the gusto, veer from the outline, make implausible statements and then follow them up with incongruent character action. Why not? it's a rough draft! Fix it later; consequences don't exist here!

As much as the editing process can hamper your creativity in this early stage, it should also remain a tiny reminder that you can't just do whatever you want in this script and expect there to be something worth saving at the end. I made an outline for a reason, and even though for the most part I have wholly abandon that outline, I still must keep in mind that my self of two months in the future would be very grateful to my self of the present if I'd try and keep it as close to a set course as possible and avoid going off the deep end.

But going off the deep end is so fun! It's almost what makes writing the stupid thing worthwhile in the first place. Why not go off the deep end? Aren't there too many movies out there who just play it safe, making themselves predictable and worn and dated? It's expected of us now, to go to outlandish extremes to create a story that entertains and enlightens. No one wants what they expect from a movie, they want surprise twists and unforeseen turns - things happening that their minds couldn't possibly have conceived possible!

But it's all a trick, isn't it? People want to be surprised, but satisfied at the same time. It's easy to surprise an audience (aha! They were all dreaming the whole time!), but to make the surprise meaningful, to allow the audience to lean back and say "ah, of course! I should have seen that coming." To be delighted with surprise, not hoodwinked; that's the tricky part. And that's why second acts suck.

Second acts are the breeding ground of setups and payoffs. You're paying off those little setups from the beginning, just to prove to the audience that you know what you're doing, but mostly they are for the purpose of setting up your big finale, which will show the audience that not only are you a genius, but you know exactly what they want to see and you're going to give it to them even before they realize it's what they want in the first place.

Read the audience's mind, realize that what they want isn't really what they want, figure out what they really want instead and make that happen. It's just that simple.

And the second act is where it happens. A good second act has all the answers, only you don't know it until the very end. It's a forecast of what is to come, without it the beginning can't be justified and the ending just wouldn't make any sense. It's the hardest, takes the longest, and in the end is the most rewarding part of the whole darn thing.

This is not the time to give up and move on to another project; this is what the whole thing is for. Press on, move ahead, don't stop believin' and after months and months of daunting, crippling and soul-crushing rewrites that second act will all be worth it. The whole script will be worth it. To you. And maybe no one else, but don't think about that right now.
 

Magic Is Ruining My Life

Tale as old as time, I know, but this is getting to be a problem. I have things to do: clean this space, write a screenplay, sew stuff, write a screenplay. I wake up with every intention of doing these things, but instead I watch Merlin.

I think to myself, "I'll just watch this one episode and then get right to work," but Netflix tricks me with its autoplay and five hours later I realize I haven't moved. And I'm hungry. And I need to pee, like really bad. This went on for about three seasons, and as much as I knew I was going to miss it (and as pissed as I am that Netflix doesn't carry season four), I was glad.

Then I discovered this:

Damn it. All my favorite storybook characters in one place? And they don't know who they are? How am I supposed to just overlook this and go back to menial tasks, like putting clothes in the dryer or packing a lunch for work tomorrow? Or showering. How? It wasn't going to happen, and it didn't.

Weeks of my life, gone. Wonderfully, blissfully gone, but still gone. And I have about, roughly, four pages written in my screenplay. And that only after I ran out of episodes on Netflix and have to wait for weekly updates on Hulu like a commoner. If Netflix ever picks up Grimm, then I'll be screwed all over again (they don't have it, I've checked).

I don't know what this fascination with magic shows is about, but on the totem pole of most productive ways to procrastinate writing, watching magic shows is pretty low. Example:

Most Productive Ways to Procrastinate Actual Writing:

1. Clean apartment

2. Do laundry

3. Read book (like, a real book)

4. Sew something

5. Call loved ones

6. Go to a movie

7. Browse Huffington Post

8. Online shopping

9. Watch magic shows

10. Nap

There you have it. For the time being it's under control. Merlin is all but lost to me since Season 4 is nowhere to be found and Season 5 is only available to people with a TV. Once Upon A Time pops up on Hulu weekly, and as long as I am not made aware of any other magic shows I may be able to actually finish this script.

So, for the love of god, don't tell me where I can watch the first season of Grimm. Especially don't leave that information in the comments section below. With hyperlinks.

OMG, Exquisite Corpse Project!!

Me and exclamation points lately; I don't know what's going on, but rest assured it cannot, will not continue. That being said:

Exquisite Corpse Project!!!

Trust me, you have no idea.

That I haven't mentioned this movie yet is a crime so unfathomable they've yet to make it a crime. Part documentary, part disjointed sic-fi/comedy/noir/drama/romance and completely hilarious. The gist of it is that five comedy writers (formerly of Olde English, for the most part) were brought together and given the assignment of writing a movie. However! They each had to write their fifteen pages of the movie only knowing the previous writer's last five pages.

It sounds like a disaster, but because these crazy, brilliant, hilarious guys also think it's crazy and are, likely, crazy themselves it makes for one incredible experience. I don't know how available this thing is going to be to those of you (commoners) who can't get out to a film festival, but my official advice is that you sell everything you own and move to a city with a film festival on the mere chance that it might be shown there. That's my official advice.

Exquisite Corpse Project!!!

Jayne Mansfield's Car Is A Great Movie

I know, I know: two posts in one week - the subsequent shock to your system probably requires that you sit down and take some deep breaths. This is important, okay, so calm down.

First Off:
I shook this man's hand

Second Off:

This was a great movie

And Third Off:

Email is easy. It's just like writing a letter, only with your keyboard

And it hasn't changed in ten years!

I would like now to launch into what I consider to be a counter-attack on all the negative reviews out there concerning this film. I'll start out by saying that Mr. Thornton (you may recall I recently shook his hand), has no interest in either your approval or disapproval of his picture (I speak to those internet-based movie reviewing neophyte's who regard storytelling as a succession of structural checkpoints rather than a living breathing thing). 

Jayne Mansfield's Car is "willfully out of step," and will "struggle to connect with an audience," says Justin Chang of Variety. It "lacks consistent, overall conviction" according to Bob's Movie Reviews and Stale Popcorn just thinks "the title is a doozy." Absolutely. I mean, obviously when Thornton sat down to do this movie his most prominent goals were to assert his celebrity to make the most out of step, emotionally disconnected, frivolous piece of cinema and then slap a name on it that would invoke outrage from every corner of the earth. And then he stuck all his best friends in the picture, just to rub it in our faces!

Or...

Billy Bob Thornton set out to make a movie that meant something to him. That's all. He took something that means a great deal to him and he went to a lot of trouble to share that something with us in the hopes that it might mean something to someone else. And either it did, or it didn't mean something to you but your interpretation of a thing has little to no bearing on whether that thing has worth or merit or deserves to exist.

I like The Avengers; I thought the Social Network was brilliant. Tropic Thunder is hands down the best comedy in recent history and You've Got Mail makes me feel good (it's no use trying to talk me out of it). There's a point I'm trying to make here, and I think it's that it takes all kinds. With all the insipid, transparent, studio-generated, based-on-a-bestselling-vampire-novel muck that's being dredged up and slopped into theaters, is it really that important to focus on the structural inconsistencies of a story that actually came from somewhere real? 

Billy Bob Thornton is a weird dude, there's no doubt about it. He doesn't use email, he wrote a rock opera called "Dinosaur" and he thinks technology is blatantly trying to end human interaction. But at the end of the screening, a man stood up and (I paraphrase) said, "I'm a baby boomer, and if they made more movies like this then we'd all get back into the theaters." Was this guy some kind of national spokesperson for baby boomers? Likely not (likely - who can say; we don't really know). Either way, that's connecting with an audience. A big audience. 

Movies are meant to be stories, and whether that's dudes racing souped up Hondas around the streets of Tokyo, or a rich Alabama family exploring the significance of war and father-son relationships, it all means something to somebody. So relax, damn it! There's rich emotional experiences out there to be had if you'd take a second and stop being so brutally serious. I mean, come on! Billy Bob, close us out:

That's my guy. I shook that hand (I didn't know if you'd heard).

  

Austin Film Festival: The Aftermath

I've never been on cocaine, but I imagine it feels something like being at the Austin Film Festival. Constant stimulation, moments of anxiety followed by moments of ecstasy immediately followed by complete and utter exhaustion. It would be unbearable if it weren't so terrific.

In another way it's like speed dating (also something I only know about through movies and television). Everybody has their best look on, playing themselves up with business cards and nice shoes and very general statements about what exactly it is they do for a living. And, of course, there's alcohol.

I did get to meet John August, I did see James Franco although I don't think he saw me (his eyes were closed for the most part) and even though I did not spot Bill Murray, after the pixie dust settles (cocaine reference?) I must say that there are a number of reasons the festival was a great personal success. And a number of reasons that it was a soul-crushing disaffirmation of my very hopes and dreams.

Why the AFF is the best/worst thing in the world:

Best: The People
What other opportunity do you have to be around such a concentrated large group of similarly motivated minds than at a film festival? I mean, these are your people. These are the people you go see a movie with and then sit at a bar and discuss and argue and use excessive hand gestures to get your point across about said movie. These are the people who understand why it's taken you two years to write your screenplay because they have a screenplay they've been working on for five years with no end in sight. Your people.

Worst: The People
Who are these people? Every one  is a producer, director, screenwriter, creative coordinator or locations-based cinematography - what does that even mean? Throwing names around, like really obscure names that only uber screen savvy people could ever hope to know about. Basically, there's no easier place to pimp your non-existent made up pretend-time shit than at a film festival. Distinguishing your people from these other people can be tricky, so keep a sharp eye out.

Best: The Panels
Watching the X-Files is cool. Watching the director's cut with the commentary on is way cool. Sitting in a room with Chris Carter as he talks about the X-Files is five metaphysical levels above cool. There are things the panels can't do for you: make you a better writer, get you an agent, teach you super secret-y secrets about making words happen. They can awe you. They can inspire you to sit down at your computer and actually move your fingers across the keys, subsequently making words and making you a better screenwriter.

Winner of the FDJM best panelist of all time ever: Lindsay Doran

Worst: Dumb Questions During Panels
"Um, yeah, so I was wondering if you could comment on your use of symmetry throughout the second act, and in particular could you expound on the symbolism of breaking the fourth wall near the end of the turning point in the third act blah blah blah blah." Just stop. You know big words; good job. Keep your mouth shut.

Best: Being Part of Something Cool
You get a badge, you get a bag, you get free drinks and invites to parties and there are for really real screenwriter/director/producers/actors(?) just waiting to talk to you. And to hundreds of other people, but mostly to you. And you're a part of it, and it's super cool. I mean, it's at the Driskill! Am I right?

Worst: Something Cool Has Nothing to do With Sleep
Panels start at 9am, parties don't start until 11pm. The first day it was over I took three naps.

This was my first time at the AFF. It was overwhelming and frustrating and inspiring, but mostly I met some people that I think could be my people and just knowing that you're not alone in this whole thing is worth something. It's worth sleep deprivation and the puny feeling that comes when the guy behind you is talking about Bruce Feirstein like they're best friends and you have to use your phone to look him up because you don't know who Bruce Feirstein is.

These big names, they don't matter. Not now; not while you're trying to build a catalog of semi-respectable stuff you wouldn't be horrified for someone to take a look at. Write movies. Watch movies, read movies and all that, but most importantly write the freaking thing. Write. Write write write! Just write already.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Am Going to the Austin Film Festival

!

This just in: I'm going to my very first Austin Film Festival. I want to thank God, and the great city of Austin, the illustrious and enigmatic art and science of movie-making (like, the entire concept of it) and also John August, whom I will be stalking like a deranged but mostly harmless and not at all homicidal psychopath throughout the festival. Also, James Franco and Bill Murray - fair warning.

Flowers for me? Oh, you.

 
My good friend and manager Ditty, in her all-encompassing wisdom (likely enhanced to superhero status by her pregnancy hormones), has given me a few pointers. In addition to her experienced suggestions (this not being her first AFF rodeo), I have come up with a few pointers of my own (not being one to let lack of experience on a certain subject prevent me from handing out advice on that same subject).

AFF Pointers for the First-Timer, from a First-Timer:

1. Live in Austin. I feel this is a no-brainer. This city is going to be crowded as shit in a Tyson chicken coop; crowded as chickens in a Tyson chicken coop (I just watched this documentary, and long story short: don't eat Tyson chicken).

2. Own a bike. You do not want to park downtown during AFF. I just have this feeling that it won't work well.

3. Pack snacks. Apparently, food is scarce at AFF. So gather your Cliff bars, your apples and bananas, your small packets of squeezable peanut butter, shove them in that bag with your pen and notebook and get ready for a day of chaos and rushing from one conference venue to another.

4. Bring paper and pen. And backpack.

5. Have good looking business cards. This one is hard to really visualize. Does a name and an email/blog address and the title "aspiring screenwriter (question mark?) really constitute the need for business cards? Should I put my picture on there? Put a bird on it? I don't know. Maybe I could just write it on your notebook if you want to keep in touch that terribly bad. Where do you even get business cards? What about a poster with those little tear off thingies at the bottom, like one you use when looking for a lead singer for your band? Now I'm over thinking it.

6. Don't dress like an idiot. I think sometimes we writers think "oh, I'm a writer; I can dress like a slob because I'm creative and stuff and don't really care about my appearance." No. Negative. You do care, everyone cares. Shower up, put on some decent looking jeans and a fashionable shirt (you know, the kind with buttons), dab on some lip gloss (girls, I'm talking to you) and for god's sake it wouldn't kill you to accessories a little. Come on. We're screenwriters, not graphic designers. This is not a gamers' convention. You're not getting your PhD in astrophysics quantum mechanics math science (you see where I'm going with this).

As a closing remark, let me just say that I am pretty much beside myself with excitement. I've been in Austin a year now, been out of nursing school a year and a half. It's time to get connected. It's time to get motivated. It's high time to finish a new screenplay. I tell you, high time!