A Word About Agent Queries

In a word, they're frustrating. Be original without being cute, be confident without being cocky, condense the last two years of toiling over a hot laptop into a single paragraph and yet still convey just how brilliant and original your work really is. Impossible. Even with only 31 queries under my belt, I have come to the realization that the little extras you put in there, the catchy first sentence, the references to stuff you found on their website to prove that you've actually been to their website, it all does very little, if anything to increase your chances of capturing their attention. Your work alone must do it, and do it in 4-5 sentences. 46,600 words in 60. Impossible. Well, I'm sick of it. I've decided to cut right to the point. No cheeky little openings, no material-related statistics, just the facts. Here's what I got, here's what it's about, here's who I am, how to contact me, thank you good night. If they like it, they like it, and if they don't (a much more plausible scenario), then hang it all I tried. I put myself out there, even though I am continuous and relentlessly, and sometimes even rudely, rejected. I'll not belabor my plea, which in essence is what a query truly is: a very serious, properly formatted, well-constructed beggar's beg to be singled out among the rest of the masses. Desire without desperation, a plea without pleading. A question without any hope of a favorable answer. Like asking your dad for a new bike when you know, oh you just know good and well, that you're getting your brother's old used up one. You just know it.

I Am Sooooo Green

I realize this is a marked deviation from my usual, and very strict policy of sticking to the theme of the blog, that is my quest to become a published author. But some things are just too important to be ignored, like our environment. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I'm just kidding. No, seriously though, I did get these bags at Hyvee for $0.99 a piece. They are bright, quite sturdy, and cut down on the use of plastic bags. My groceries actually look better in these things. And, you can fit like twice as much stuff in one of these than a regular plastic bag, and these handles will never break, dropping your glass bottles of spaghetti sauce to burst open on the kitchen floor. The handles are also very thick and wide, unlike the plastic bags, the handles of which stretch under the weight of your cartons of ice cream, creating a thin string of plastic which acts like a tournaquet against your aching fingers. They feel good, they look good, they're good for the environment. You also get $0.04 per bag off your purchase every time you use them. $0.04! Hey, it adds up, okay!

School Shmool

Hang it all, why should I go to school? To better myself? To raise my standard of living? I think I'm good enough already, you're welcome, and my standard of living is high enough. No, today I say nay to it. Nay to school, nay to homework, nay to stuffy classrooms and stuffy professors and stuffy students with over-inflated senses of self-esteem, and nay to the naysayers who would say that I should do otherwise. Today I won't do it. Today I refuse, outright, regardless of what educational convention dictates. Today I stand here and say to you that I am an immovable force against the corruption and money grubbing facilitated by our government through the higher education system. Today I do not yield.

Tomorrow, inevitably, is another story.

Internet Rejection

I imagine literary agent offices to be a busy place, a flurry of papers and fax machines and computers all being overloaded with query letters, like mine, being hastily rejected, like mine. I know agents are busy, and the lackeys that read our lowly query letters even more so, but is it really too much to ask that they actually read the query? Really? Take my most recent rejection as an example:

Dear Joselyn Martin:
Thank you for your query letter. I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed with fiction submissions and the novel you outline didn’t pique my interest enough to add to my pile of manuscripts. Good luck to you.
Yours,
Mickey Choate

Wait, wait, wait. Fiction? Novel? My manuscript? The word "true" appears right in the title! The query begins "My non-fiction work." Are you telling me that after going to the library to look you up in the Writer's Market, going to your website, doing my homework, crafting a personal query letter, affixing two stamps, one for the return envelope which you didn't even use, you can't even click on the correct rejection template? Really? My reply:

Dear Mr. Choate:
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back with you, but I have spent the time pouring over my manuscript and I cannot agree with your assessment. Try as I may to see this as a fiction manuscript, I can quite clearly recall each detail as it happened to me, and so I am afraid I am forced to differ with you. It is indeed non-fiction. I hope you will understand. The word "novel" also is ill suited for my work, as it is not an actual novel, but again non-fiction. Perhaps this rejection has reached me in error. If so, a reply is not necessary as I am much overwhelmed with my pile of rejections at the moment.
Yours,
Joselyn Martin

I await a reply.

The Art of Editing, OR Shoot Me Now and Get It Over With

Yes, only during the editing process can you truly appreciate just how pathetic and ill-equipped you are to produce anything of value to society. At no other time does the author have instilled in them a true loathing of oneself, a loathing rivalled only by the rejection of certain literary agents who shall at present remain nameless. Ah, I remember the good old days, when the creativity flowed through my nimble fingertips onto unsuspecting pages, transforming them into brilliant, living things with emotions and passions, and carefully constructed dialogue. Upon reviewing this masterpiece, however, I have discovered very little that does not reduce me to tears, or worse yet, nausea. Suddenly, this wonder that I have constructed, on further investigation, appears to be nothing more than a clumsy disaster, one that seems barely salvageable. But salvage it I must. Though every scene makes me cringe in the thought that it came from my own inadequate imagination, a disgrace to the very electronic device it was typed on, I shall press forward. I shall right this wrong. I shall avenge my former self who, with compromised judgment to say the least, brought forth on this planet such a compost of bile and dross! It shall be made clean!

I Learn Real Good Now!

Against my own judgment (the lazier part of it, I'm sure), I have decided to continue my education passed...well...high school and some college coursework. This of course sucks in so very many ways, first of which being that the time I have previously devoted to writing and agent-finding must now be divided between homework, online coursework, studying for online coursework, and getting angry because my online coursework is taking away so much time from my writing and agent-finding. Then there's the financial strain, even being that it is community college they still think very highly of their super high school status. But what really gets me about the whole thing is this idea that unless I spend countless hours and nauseating amounts of money on classroom study that will, on average, prepare me for about 0.01% of the actual skills required to perform the job I intend to pursue, I still can't get said job until I finish this meaningless coursework. Ridiculous! I am confident that if thrown into the very position I will spend innumerable units of energy and years of meaningless lectures on, I would be able to master all that is required of me within a few months. A few months, as opposed to years. And I would be getting paid, instead of paying. But no, the scholarly institutions of our time have struck some kind of sick deal with the government, the state, the underground minions of torturous boredom, wherein all peoples wanting to better themselves (that is, rise above minimum wage) must undergo the punishment that is the continuing educational system. I have revolted against it as long as I could. I am not proud of myself for choosing to jump through these tainted, expensive hoops, but there it is. I will continue to write, continue to seek publication. I will also excel in my studies, all the while hoping against very dismal odds that this backup plan of degrees and regular employment will somehow become the backup plan I didn't have to use after all.

Back!

I spent all of April working feverishly to finish a screenplay, spent the beginning of May rejoicing and recuperating, spent the end of May in Texas, and now that it is June the time has come to leap back into action! The editing process is underway, and most important to this blog, the query letters are ticking once again. Onward and upward. Can't let accomplishment stifle the unbearable longing for yet more accomplishment. Let the rejections start flowing in anew, I will not be detoured!