Things I Love Lately

This isn't going to be earth shattering stuff here and, admittedly, I'm a little late to the party on some of this stuff. Still, there are things that have put absolute glee in my life lately and I feel I must share. So...

Evernote

Props to my brother, who told me about Evernote way back when I was but a nursing school drudge using a note taking app that I thought was revolutionary because you could color code the tabs. After school I wanted to burn it, but that would have been impossible without also, you know, damaging my phone so I simply deleted the app. Ha! Take that!

Lumping Evernote in with all the other free tasky note taking apps, I of course assumed it was something I would download, use for like a week then completely forget about and months down the road delete off my phone in an attempt to free up enough space for the most recent iOS update (what the hell is in those things)? I've had this thing for about a month and I believe the term that best describes my current feelings toward it is "geeking out."

I looooooooove it! Holy shit, holy shit! You can just put everything in here - EVERYTHING! Those workouts my sister sends me every week: Evernote. Online purchases I want to make: Evernote. Receipts from online purchases because I'm not very good about delaying gratification and plus I think I may have a problem: Evernote! Blog post ideas, random thoughts about any one of the three projects I'm working on right now, outfit ideas I pick up from the web or people on the street that I need to remember later in order to not look a fool when I dress myself in the morning (am I right, ladies?): Evernote, Evernote and Evernote!

You need it. You don't know that yet - well, I guess you do know because I just told you, unless you don't believe me, in which case I'm not sure why you're here... Just look into it.

Fade In

I have absolutely had it with Celtx. It's free, so I can't complain too much but I have reached that point in my screenwriting career where it's time to pony up and pay $200 for some real screenwriting software. Wait, what? $200? Two hundred dollars? That's (2). Handred. Dooollars? I'm going to make a short list of things I'd be willing to spend $200 on:

1. A plane ticket to Chicago

2. A pair of real pearl earrings

3. Someone to come into my apartment and clean the baseboards because MY GOD I can't get the years and years of other people's grime off of these damn things (I'm just realizing as I type this that I could probably have someone come do this for considerably less money...have to look into that).

And now, things I am not willing to spend $200 on:

1.  A plane ticket to Arkansas (yuck)

2. A side table that is basically a tree stump (West Elm, you can all go fuck yourselves)

3. Screenwriting software

Enter Fade In (notice I resisted the urge to say "Fade In: Fade In"). It is, honestly, everything a screenwriting software should be with the added bonus of being more current and having a developer that really listens to feedback. Also, I'm pretty sure when you purchase the software it comes with the optional add-on of having Craig Mazin come to your house in person should you find anything wrong with the program or if you just want to chat about how great it is. He's kind of a fan.

Speaking of Craig Mazin...

Scriptnotes

There are times when I remember to listen to Scriptnotes podcast, and those are happy times. Then there are times when things get busy and in all the bustling around I forget to listen to Scriptnotes; these are dark and confusing times, people. I love this show because in addition to learning about cool writerly things (like Fade In), you've got these two guys who couldn't be more opposite each other talking about things that are actually relevant and interesting to screenwriters, and sometimes disagreeing about those things which is one of the most valuable parts. Two great screenwriters disagreeing about something is the closest thing to magic you are going to get in this world.

So listen up.

The First Script You Ever Wrote

Last week, The Bitter Script Reader did a post related to a Go Into the Story post that asked, "What was the first script you wrote?"

"Hahahahahahaha!" was my response.

Because we all know full well that our first screenplay was a complete and terrifyingly disastrous attempt at telling a story that had no actual business being a story at all. Am I right,  guys? I mean, they all sucked. All of them. Sucked. They all - why do I get the feeling some of you are not agreeing with me? If you think your first outing was so great, just leave a description in the comments section and I will prove to you just how wrong you are about that!

Sorry. That was insecure, first-screenplay-me talking.

In all seriousness (which is my least favorite "in all"), every writer has at least two to three really shitty scripts in them. They're just in there, clawing their way out and until you let those buggers loose it will poison everything else you try to do. Well, I've let mine out, I can assure you. I'll prove it:

My First Ever Screenplay

After the death of her husband, a middle-aged woman (early thirties, because that was middle-aged when I was 19) embarks on a path of discovery that includes such exciting adventures as Bank Telling and Junior College and of course falling in love.

I remember thinking this was so good. "A movie about a young woman's path to discovering herself and falling in love - oh, how original!" And it had such great moments. Like the one where she's running because she's late for class, intercut with the roll call getting closer and closer to her name until she finally flings the door open just as her name is called and - uh oh - it's the wrong classroom!

Har. Har. Gets me every time.

Or the moment at the bank, when she pulls up to cash her final paycheck (I think she decided to move back in with her mom in Arkansas, or something really defeated like that) and she pulls up to the tube suction thing only to see that the bank teller is actually that guy she's been falling in love with this whole time and he professes his love for her (super eloquently; just great, unpredictable, super original dialogue happening there) and she goes to open her car door only to find that she's boxed in by the tube suction stations (I should really know what those are called). But not to be daunted, she rolls down her window and climbs out of her car to rush into her true love's arms.

SHE CLIMBS OUT THE CAR WINDOW, PEOPLE!

That's love.

What is this thing?

I remember there was a really pushy best friend and a dog, but other than that absolutely no supporting cast or discernible plot. And it was really fun to write. Because everything was so great; that first time, you have no idea how wrong it all is. It's just so pure and innocent and terrible and incredibly embarrassing.

But you keep doing it and after a while (think years) you may actually have something that you would willingly show another human being. And then you'll lie and tell that human being that this is your first screenplay and they'll go much easier on you. After that, you'll start to really get better until one day (think ten years) you'll look up from the page and go "I wrote that? But, but it's...not...nauseating." And that's when you know it's happening.

I'm Doing It All Wrong

There is no one right way to write. But I think I'm doing it all wrong. I just started a brand new first draft of my TV pilot script. Here's my progression this week:

Day one - 4 pages total

Day two - 7 pages total

Day three - 5 pages total

Day four - 5 pages total

To make it painstakingly clear, my total page count went up three pages from one day to the next, then dropped by two pages and stayed there for two days, even though I was writing each of those days. "Heresy!" you say. Calm yourselves; it's not witchery, nor logistical impossibility, just the result of some premature editing.

I write seven pages. Great. I go back, read the last two, they're boring, so I spice them up and condense them to one page. In total, I've just reduced my script but in quality I've just increased its value. I think. I simply cannot move forward when my previous stuff is so abysmal - it grates on my creative nerves.

Every time I rewrite, I crumple a blank piece of paper and throw it behind me.

My insecurity with this process lies in the fact that every professional level advice I've ever gotten about writing and rewriting is that you don't do this edit as you write thing. You basically vomit your first draft all over the screen and then when it is completely finished you go back and fix it all. The rewrite. The theory is that this way you will at least complete something, which is very important, and not get stuck trying to perfect every word until you're so sick of it that it never gets finished.

I believe this to be true. And I also disagree.

If I were to tell a beginner writer, someone still insecure and unaware about their own process, how to go about writing their script I would most definitely suggest this all-caution-to-the-wind form of first drafting (after rigorous outlining, of course) because it is a surefire way to get some satisfaction from actually completing something early on. When you're somehow not sure that you will actually finish a work, you need the speed and momentum of this process.

But knowing full well that I will complete this script, when I get to the end I want the best possible version and that is just going to happen my way. I edit as I go. Then I finish, and rewrite some more. And some more. And some more. It makes things better. It works for me. I am not ashamed. Hurl thy stones, I shall not be averted!

Obviously my blog posts are not held to this standard. It's also possible that my constant editing is an indication of some deficit in my outlining. Maybe. Probably. But mostly, this is how I choose to do it right now and so this is the way it is. Take your imperfect methods, your amateur habits, and get the stuff out there and onto a page. That's it. That's the whole thing. Oh yeah, and finish it. Mortal Kombat style KO that shit into submission!

This is exactly what finishing feels like.

The Pressure of Being Brilliant

Being a genius is so, like, ugh sometimes. Right?

Right guys?

Guys?

Okay, wait - if I'm not a genius or something then why is it that every time I sit down to write I immediately assume the expectation that it has to be FUCKING SCHINDLER'S LIST!? Not the best reference there, but this is exactly my point. There's this pervading idea that if you're not about to sit down and pen the next American masterpiece, then you might as well vacuum the floor or continue binge watching...binge watching...whatever the new binge watching show is, I don't know, I'm writing! Is it still House of Card!?

The problem with this idea is it is completely and collective made up in our own minds. I start to go down this rabbit hole of logical conclusions, which starts with "but I only have thirty minutes to write" and ends with "thank god I finally got that bookcase organized." It's the pressure. You figure thirty minutes isn't time enough to really eek out anything worthwhile, so another day goes by without anything getting actually for real written down. And, you know, you've got an organized bookcase but that is NO conciliation.

Who do I think I am, this guy? This guy!?

I don't know what your stuff looks like, but I know for a fact that nothing I ever write turns out the first time around. It's all terrible, all of it, even the stuff I'm really pumped about ends up getting changed in the end. If I could manage to shake the idea that everything I type out has to be Oscar gold, it would remove a lot of mental barriers to actually writing. Plus, come on; where do I get off acting like brilliance is a standard I'm in the least able to hold myself to. Come on.

Maybe if brilliance existed on a continuum. Maybe then. But I'm way to the left.

It doesn't matter, because the real problem is that there is brilliance in there, it's just tucked away, forced into a dark corner by all the other shitty ideas crowding it out for attention. You have to file through all those really terrible plot points and bits of inane dialogue to get to the really good stuff, the gold, the two peanut M&Ms that through some freak factory accident got melted together to form one amazing double peanut M&M!

Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

And it's okay to spend just thirty minutes on something that you know damn well is going to take years of your life to complete, because you know, thirty minutes here, a couple of lines there, and BAM! You have a screenplay. Just like that. I guarantee you if you keep putting words into your computer processor at some point you will have enough words strung together to constitute a screenplay. It's just logic.

Now stop thinking and go write something!

Working Out and Writing: the Metaphorical Saga Continues

After my last post, which came off as a bit of a downer, I thought I'd try my hand at doling out some actual tools to help you a. work out or b. write more. As motivating as being told to "just do it" is, hindsight suggests there may be more tips worth mentioning, and these are those:

1. Pool Your Resources

Look around you; who else is writing? You've got at least one writer friends, right? No? Are there groups, clubs, general hangouts which you could frequent to keep this whole writing thing at the forefront of your brain? My sister is a personal trainer, so I asked (demanded) that she put together some workouts for me. I have a friend who I met on what was essentially a blind date for screenwriters and she has become my number one motivator when it comes to my writing. Find your people, get involved.


2. Create Expectations

There are expectations you have of yourself, of course, but I find that those mostly just serve to impose overpowering guilt on oneself when those expectations are not met. Being accountable to yourself exclusively does not work; you have to find a way to get other people to impose your expectations on yourself. I made that sound tricky on purpose, just for fun. It's actually insanely easy!

Use your resources, tell them what you're working on and ask them to read what you have and then give them a timeline as to when you'll have the next part done. That's it; now you have someone to hold you accountable and to encourage you on. My sister put her time and effort into making me a personalized workout plan; do you think I'm just going to piss all over that because I don't feel like doing burpees today (fair warning: you will never feel like doing burpees, they are the scourge of hell and should not be allowed to be a thing)? My friend took the time to read over my treatment and give me feedback and encourage me on, should I just be like "great, thanks a ton, I'm pretty much going to forget all about this now."

No!

3. Get You Some New Digs

Now that these people are aware of your plans to write/workout, you have to actually do those things. This is surprisingly hard, even in the face of disappointing friends and family and yourself. So go shopping! I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but buying a new workout tank increases the likelihood that you will actually workout by about 400%. About a month ago I was in a writing slump, so I went to Target and bought two Moleskin notebooks and a nice Sharpie pen and set it on my nightstand and I've been writing every day since. It just works for me. If you don't want to spend money (we can't all be wealthy nurses and social workers), make old things look new. Find an old t-shirt and cut it into a tank, pull out an old notebook you forgot about or just clean up your damn desk for once! Make it work.

4. Set A Routine

You have to know when you're going to do this stuff. You can't be all "I'm going to write at some point today," because the vagueness of that statement pretty much ensures that you won't. You have to be more concrete. "Today I'm going to write from 6pm until 9pm and then I will watch Game of Thrones as a reward." I've started scheduling my writing sessions by the week; every Sunday I program writing blocks into my calendar. I do the same with workouts; I set myself up to go on autopilot in that transition between not working out and working out, not writing and writing. "It's 6pm, time to write; the schedule says so."

Sitting in front of your blank page long enough for your friend to paint you that way is still writing.

5. Don't Go Overboard

You really don't want to go from couch to working out every single day and eating only plants and legumes in one fell swoop (or ever, if you're me). You're not going to suddenly be writing five hours a day if you're used to five hours a week; it's just not sustainable. Little by little, though, you can increase your threshold. This week I worked out three times, and that was something I had to build up to. Next week I'll bump it to four times. Writing through coffee and a muffin on my days off was my starting point. Now it's every day, in some capacity at least. You can make small changes; everyone can. And if you can't, maybe this is not what you really want.

A General Note

Maybe if we stop chanting to ourselves the mantra of how writing is so hard, or burpees are the shortest path to certain death, we may think differently about doing it. If the idea of actually writing is too overwhelming then just simplify. Don't visualize the actual act of writing, just think of sitting at your desk. Walk over and sit down. Put that computer on your lap. That's it. That's writing, or it will be very soon. Put your workout clothes on and walk into the gym or yoga studio or poll dancing class or whatever it is you've decided to get into. Don't right away start thinking about how hard it's going to be and how much you're going to sweat and grunt and burn - just walk in the doors. That's it, the rest is automatic. Muscle memory will take over; your mental faculties will kick in and words will appear at your fingertips.

If you want to be fit, workout. If you want to be a writer, write. These are fundamental principles that are guaranteed to work. There's not much more to be said about it.

Working Out and Writing and Why They're Impossible

Oh yeah, you read that right; I'm breaking some major metaphorical ground here by comparing working out to writing! I know, it's true - never been done. But I really just feel like there's some comparison to be made here, however obscure and abstract and truly original. Let's begin.

Why You're Not Working Out/Writing

Actually, the daily failure to do either really starts the night before, when lying in bed you make all these grand plans for the next day, the perfect day. "I'm going to get up early, go to yoga or that new spin class place, have a sensible breakfast and then sit at my desk and clack away at my keyboard until a glorious screenplay emerges." So you set your alarm, immediately feel amazing and fall blissfully asleep. And when that blessed alarm goes off at 7am the next morning, things will feel very, very different.

Because when that thing goes off at 7am one of two things is going to happen: you're either going to wake up in a complete panic, convinced that some sicko has snuck into your home overnight and set your alarm for 7am because otherwise WHY THE HELL is your alarm going off at 7am! or you will morph into a completely different person, jump out of bed, throw on your gym shorts and head for the  treadmill. Guess which is more likely to happen?

Well, this is just fun.

Ideology vs Actuality

The first problem here is that at some point in the planning of this new life, we envision ourselves actually liking it. When I picture myself getting out of bed early in the morning to squeeze a workout in before breakfast I see this shining, vigorous face that's just ready to take on her day! And not only is that exhaustingly ridiculous but it's just not real. No one looks like that in the morning.

When picturing ourselves as writers, sitting in that coffee shop or at a desk covered in breakthroughs all written down on decoratively cluttered pieces of paper, this smile of accomplishment on our faces, our families standing over our shoulders silently nodding their approval. Ah-bull. Ah-shit. If you ever see someone clacking away at their keyboard and they're smiling, that is called Facebook and it's happening all over the world and it's not writing.

That person who wakes up early or stays up late to cram in that workout is just as bleary-eyed and scowl-faced as they should be considering they're giving up moments of pleasure for awful, awful lonely pain. Have you ever actually watched people working out? It's ridiculous. Writing is like that; it looks painful and feels pointless and no one looks like they're having fun. It's terrible!

Practice Makes More Practice

Okay, these headings are beginning to sound like chapter markers on "Frasier." But this is my favorite point, so I'm keeping it. The thing about working out and writing is that it is absolutely guaranteed to work. Barring significant physical or mental issues, as long as you actually do it (and not just talk about doing it) you will get what you want; you will look better, you will be a better writer. The only problem is you have to do it like every day. Every other day is okay, but if you really want results you do some kind of working out/writing every single day. That's it. You will automatically get better, grow muscle, get results. And there's almost no ceiling on this; as long as you continue to do it, you will just get better and better.

So why don't we do it? Because we look stupid! We sound stupid! Everyone wants to be better, it's just so damn awkward to get better. You have to go through this really long phase of your legs jiggling every time you run, or spending a whole lot of time writing what is essentially five pages of two people standing there talking at each other. Disgusting! Who would ever want that?

The Pep Talk

Oh yes, you knew it was coming and here it is. I'm-a-git you pumped up so you can get out there and flex those writing muscles into a whole other weight class (forgive me). These are your marching orders, this is your anthem to repeat to yourself moment after literary moment until all is three-dimensional characters and subtexty dialogue. Are you ready? I said, are you - just read that previous line again. Here it is:

Drumroooooooll, pleeeeeeeeease...

Do it.

I can't really convince you; if you're not going to write you're not going to. And if you're going to, you will. You'll write every day, or every week or once a month or whatever. It's all you. There is absolutely nothing that can prevent you from or propel you into writing. All I know is writing can sometimes feel great and sometimes feel terrible and in both instances you are getting better. It's absolutely a fact. Do it.

Or don't. Whatever. Fine. It's been a long day.

But seriously, do it.
 

Writers Who Aren't Actually Writers and They Are Me

It's the funny thing about calling yourself a writer, there's not really any form of validation you need to offer up besides the phrase "I'm a writer." Literally anyone can say it and there's no way to monitor this shit. Right now, this is writing, I am writing; so I'm just a writer now, am I? Or am I just a blogger, since that is the format in which I have chosen to write? Am I a blogger, writer, freelance food critic because I occasionally offer restaurant reviews on Yelp?

How did this happen? No other thing is like this at all. You don't just say, for example, "I am a musician" because you picked up a Ukulele while vacationing in Hawaii and have managed to eek out a couple chords on demand every time there's a lull in the dinner conversation. You don't say "I am a basketball player" because you successfully completed a game of pick up with some office buddies after work a few Fridays ago. Other professions have standards, they have actual rules about when you can and can't call yourself a part of them.

Where is this all coming from? Well, I've been thinking a lot lately about me (shocker) and then Chuck Wendig (via his amazing blog that you should follow immediately because it will make you better) asked writers to really evaluate themselves. It made me think about how invested I am in this writing thing; am I really a writer or do I just play one a couple days a week? Anyway, here are my answers. Head over to his blog and leave your own in comments.

a) What’s your greatest strength / skill in terms of writing/storytelling?

I think I know how to make characters talk in such a way that not too much eye rolling goes on.

b) What’s your greatest weakness in writing/storytelling? What gives you the most trouble?

Sometimes I want to make certain things happen so badly that I can't see how terrible it makes the story as a whole.

c) How many books or other projects have you actually finished? What did you do with them?

I've finished two books that I gave to my friends and family and this one English tutor I had in high school who is a genius. I wrote a play and we used it as a dinner theatre fundraiser for a fine arts trip. I've finished three screenplays, one of which has every potential to not suck, all of which I gave to other screenwriting friends and one of which (the not-sucking one) I paid for coverage on. Nothing published, nothing I got paid for.

d) Best writing advice you’ve ever been given? (i.e. really helped you)

"I need you to work harder; the first thing you came up with is good, but that will never matter if you don't really work at it."

e) Worst writing advice you’ve ever been given? (i.e. didn’t help at all, may have hurt)

"Have you ever thought about getting a writing coach?" Well-meaning sisters are the worst.

f) One piece of advice you’d give other writers?

Fucking write. Let's all just fucking write.