From the Desk of Joselyn Martin

Must. Press. On.

2012-01-29T22:14:00.001-06:00

So, I live in Austin now (whaaaaaaaat?!). I know; you're shocked. So am I, kind of. Not just by the fact that it's January and I had lunch outside today, or by the fact that Whole Foods seems to be one of the hippest hang outs on the west side, but mostly by a strange, unfamiliar feeling that has crept its way into my conscious: I have got to be the least artistic person in this entire city.

Seriously, it's like everyone here is a struggling artist of some kind. You know how in LA, you can walk up to any waiter in a California Pizza Kitchen and find an actor? Here, it's like the crowd in a record shop on a Tuesday afternoon. All the time. Everywhere. Writing screenplays is like child's play to these people.

Not surprisingly, intimidation is doing nothing for my writing. It's the same effect as when I watch a really, really great movie. It's that feeling of "wow; why do I even try." Luckily, there is a cure for this seemingly unshakable doldrum: an almost good movie. A not-a-bad movie. As a motivator, it is far superior to the straight up bad movie in that you can see where they went right, but also where they took a weird detour into muddled plot and tripe dialogue.

It's perfect.

Never is it so clear to me what a great movie is as when I've almost, almost seen a good one. I know how to make it better, make it good. And that's all I'm asking for here, to write good movies. Great, probably not. Bad, I hope not. I just want one good movie that ten years from now people will look back on and say "ah, remember that movie? That was a good movie." And then their friend will say, "whatever happened to that screenwriter," and the other guy will be like, "didn't she invent something, like, really huge. She's like a millionaire now."

I also want to invent something huge that's worth millions.

Stalemate!

2011-11-18T11:09:00.001-06:00

Sounds like a good movie title, but unfortunately it's the label I've given my current thought process regarding moving forward with my script. I get myself all pumped up, thinking "okay, you've got four days off so just grab a coffee, sit down and let those fingers fly." Yeah! Heck yeah! Let's do this; let's knock this thing out! Right after I check Huffington Post. OMG, that Ashton Kutcher is such a jerk.

This is such an old song I'm singing here; it's pretty much the only way to update my blog, to harp on about the fact that I'm not writing anything. Boooooring! Yawn. This can't go on. Spur of the moment writing exercise (yuck...I hate saying "writing exercise." Sound so stupid). Anyway, here we go.

Best worst screenplay ideas I can think of right now on the spot:

1. Destination Anywhere. Story about two females who decide their lives are boring so they borrow their neighbor's car and embark on a cross country road trip. Oh, and one of them has cancer or something.

2. Happy Christkuanzaka. Movie about three friends from three different ethnic and religious backgrounds learning to accept each other's diversity during the holiday season.

3. Through A Child's Eyes. An abused, crippled orphan discovers a supernatural friend who give her the ability to walk, but only after the child carries out brutal and bloody errands. Spoiler alert: it's all in her head. Gasp!

4. Eenie Meenie. A scientist discovers time travel and seeks to right historical wrongs only to discover that cosmic decisions must be made using the age old method of random selection: eenie meenie minie moe.

5. I Am Al. A guy named Al is convinced that to gain world domination he must kill all the other Als in the world. The twist: he falls in love with a woman...named Al!

Wow, okay I have to stop. These aren't even good as spoofs. They're just worthless. Bleh.

I Just Can't Get This Thing Going

2011-10-29T17:10:00.001-05:00

Writing a screenplay should be so simple. It's just answering a simple question: what's a movie I have never seen that I would really like to see? Then answering a series of more specific questions: what are some likable characters; what are some unlikeable characters; what are their respective goals and what relevant obstacles can I place in their way to try and prevent them from reaching those goals? Then bookend it with: where does it begin and how does it end? Then just start at the beginning, keep answering "and then what, and then what," and end at the end.

Easy.

Impossible! Literally, figuratively, metaphysically impossible! I want to do it, I try to do it, I've done it before, but due to forces unknown and unseen it just isn't happening. I'm wracking my brain to figure out why this is not happening, and I've narrowed it down to two possible conclusions: either I lack the necessary discipline or my story sucks.

And I know I don't lack discipline.

So why does my story suck? If I knew that, I'd fix it. Right? Wouldn't I fix it? I figured out my main character was blah, and I fixed that. So that's all I need to do, identify the problems and fix them. If I could just go through my screenplay and systematically pull out those aspects of the story that do not work and replace them with those that do I would be able to write this thing. I'd also be the greatest screenwriter of all time.

It's too hard. Not because I don't have good judgement - like most people I believe that I possess the greatest taste in movies, better than anyone else I know. It's because I am stubborn and I don't want to let go. The impetus to this whole script was this idea of wanting to write an alien movie that's scary and funny. I wanted the aliens to be microscopic instead of big, disappointing monsters and I wanted them to inhabit us like parasites and in so doing force on their host an eery kind of niceness. Then, for some reason, I liked the idea of a pregnant woman getting into a very bloody fight with one of these things. This practically writes itself!

But then it got hard. The timeline doesn't make sense - a nine month timeline for an alien thriller? It should take place over mere days or even hours. And why do the aliens make everyone they inhabit act really nice; because they think their blending in, to throw people off, because they increase our levels of serotonin for some reason? And my defamed scientist who discovers what's going on, why if he's such a jerk would he be the one spearheading the movement to stop these things? What does he care? It just doesn't work.

And that's why after hours on hours on hours of sitting at my computer I am still stuck in the first act, making little progress and then erasing it because I know how bad it is. I'm so stubbornly committed to my initial ideas about this story that I've paralyzed my creative thinking and am unable to significantly change the circumstances of the plot. Part of me feels like scrapping the whole idea and just moving on to something totally different. But I don't think that's going to help, since the story itself may not be the problem. Maybe I'm the problem.

This in between stage is really annoying. I'm a good enough writer to know when something is just awful, but not good enough to know how to fix it. The option this leaves me is to try a bunch of different things hoping that at some point those ideas will stop sucking. This is not ideal. I hate it, in fact, and all the more because I know this will be a long, stupid stage of my writing life that won't soon be over but it will eventually lead me closer to becoming a better writer.

Aliens are going to make me a better writer? Yes.

A Lackluster Character Brings the Whole Thing Down

2011-09-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

I was going to say "A Lackluster Main Character...," but really any lackluster character hurts your story, because people invariably feel the deficit of attention to detail and they focus on it. I got to page 16 of my script and hit a wall. I thought this was because I was rusty, then I thought it's because I'm a terrible writer (oh, woe is meeeee). Now I know: my main character is a bore.

For some reason I thought that a mopey, slightly depressed and perpetually stepped on individual would be stimulating. The idea was that through the whole alien incident she would find her backbone and arise a self aware, empowered woman. Good, right? No. Boring. I'm putting the audience through 45-60 minutes of pathetic pouting and downcast eyes in an alien movie! This does not work.

So here's the new idea: we replace this powerless and putrid HR drone with a poised and powerful analyst, hired by the company to basically fire people. On the outside, she is in control. On the inside, she's pregnant by a much younger, much stupider man/child, her parents are splitting up and she is now faced with a crazy scientist-type who is convinced there's an alien invasion going on. Her structured turns to chaos, chaos forces change and from that a new structure.

The idea of a seemingly confident woman being stripped of her control only to find a higher sense of all she pretended to be is infinitely more interesting than taking a puny, wet blanket and forcing her to be confident. It's just better.

I think it's better.

I Don't Write Too Good These Days

2011-09-15T14:13:00.001-05:00

I considered committing the double grammatical offense of using "to" instead of "too," but you know what, I think you get it. Ugh, I can't explain my frustration with how rusty a writer I've become. While I was off getting a monetarily useful education, my part-time hobby/dream/someday possibly monetarily successful writing went underground in my brain and digging it up again has proved a little more difficult than I thought it might be.

Since Monday, I've written 15 pages and one long narrative outlining the entire story. Still, only 15 pages of actual script, and those were come by with great wailing and gnashing of teeth. And internet surfing. And Millionaire Matchmaker viewing (you know, cable is as much a curse as it is a wonderful, wonderful blessing).

There are a couple of things that I have done right, I think. The first was to write out a narrative of my screenplay, from beginning to end, as if it was already completed and I was giving a detailed account of the movie to someone else. This really exposed those weak areas of my story, as I could imagine what that other person would say at certain points, both flattering and not so much. The other thing about this is it forced me to make decisions I was putting off, and it also showed me when I was making a character do something that was outside the realm of belief for that character, which I then had to fix before moving on.

The other thing I did was I actually sat down and wrote the thing. No, seriously, it's astounding how much writing does get done when you sit down to actually write. And one of the most important principles to follow when writing is to press through. Don't leave the computer because you've suddenly hit a part of your story that is hard to figure out. Set a page goal, or word goal, and don't get up until it's met. Internet shopping? Fine. Check your email inbox? Sure. But you don't get to shut the computer down for the day until your goal is met.

So, to recap, keys to writing: write. Every day, if at all humanly possible. And don't give up.

Out of the Frying Pan, Now Suspended in that Dead Space Preceding the Fire

2011-09-03T11:42:00.003-05:00

What have I been doing!? No post since February! And the last two not real posts, anyway. Taking a look back, I Graduated nursing school (hip-hip-hooray), sold a house, moved to another state and now I have a whole month before I start my residency/job. So of course, I'm going to write a screenplay. No, not write a screenplay, finish a screenplay. A first draft of a screenplay. Yeah. That sounds good.

But what to write? I have a really fleshed out alien rom/com (I may have mentioned it), however looking back at all my notes and my first 50 pages I realized that time and distance had given me something: insight. It's terrible. I'm a terrible writer. It's almost ridiculous how blind you can be to your own terribleness.

So what now? Rescue this pile of worn out plot points and two-dimensional characters from their mediocre imprisonment, or start anew? Start anew with what? It's been two years since I've fleshed out anything; is this going to be like riding a bike (easy peasy) or playing Moonlight Sonata on the piano (not a chance in hell).

It's so depressing to spend time and energy on something you're not proud of, and I'm afraid I have at least four more scripts like this before I really hit some kind of stride. Might as well add this alien thing to the body count. Seriously, a romantic comedy with aliens? When has that ever worked? Ever?

Regarding My Prediction That James Franco and Anne Hathaway's Oscar Night Co-Hosting Would Be "Good"

2011-02-28T16:17:00.002-06:00

I was wrong.

Oscar Night Prediction Regarding the Performance of Anne Hathaway and James Franco As Hosts

2011-02-10T15:36:00.003-06:00

It's going to be good.

Small Creative Thought Makes it Past Layers of School-Drenched Brain Matter, Heralded as Huge Success

2010-11-26T22:16:00.002-06:00

Today I made a note on my whiteboard:

"Fight scene somewhere before page 50!"

I'm proud of that note.

Two Movies That Have Left Me Very Conflicted Of Late

2010-10-10T12:17:00.004-05:00

Okay, so this is exactly the kind of movie I like to watch when I just need a break from the entire world. I cozy up in a chair with my glass of milk and a Nutty Bar, slap my headphones on and fire up the Netflix. Genre: period pieces. That's what I do. The cover of this one sold me instantly. I mean, look at all the information you get from just looking at it: she's pretty and obviously gets to marry that guy, who is way gorgeous in addition to having this serious and brooding quality, though void of the self-loathing that usually accompanies it. Then you've got the title, which immediately brings up grade school lessons from world history and you remember that Victoria was a young but well beloved queen and you think to yourself "how can this movie go wrong?"

Well, it does and it doesn't.

I mean, it essentially gets it all done. We see the young pre-queen Victoria and how her life was run by others. Then we have the young man who's family pushes him into winning her for political gain, then it turns out he actually does like her, but then there's this other older guy who she seems to be listening a whole lot to after she becomes queen and so where does that leave our brooding gentleman? Well, no worries because she gets over it and comes to her senses about the young man and does marry him, but then you've got the conflict of her being a queen and he just a prince and so there's a power struggle between them which is only escalated by the fact that he really does know better how to run the country but she takes that as an affront to her gender and all the preconceived ideas regarding that. But, once again, everything gets resolved after he saves her life (yeah, he totally jumps in front of a bullet for her - I love that crap). And it's all based on true events, so you're left with an even better feeling knowing that it may actually have happened that way, leaving open the very minuscule possibility that it may possibly even happen to you someday (even though you live in a democracy, are already married and statistically speaking there's a greater chance you'll be shot by your spouse rather than saved from being shot by him).

So, it's all there - every element you need in a historical romance drama. And yet, it falls flat somehow. It's very frustrating having to admit, because in a movie like this I am willing to suspend so much judgment and critique, and yet there were things I just couldn't let go. Like, for example, the struggle for Victoria's affection between the older politician Lord M and young, serious Albert. The way the writers went about this was exactly right: introduce the one you want her to be with early on (this would be Albert, of course, being introduced before she is queen), then create a huge change in her life (King dies, she succeeds to the crown), then introduce older wiser character with obvious ulterior motives to take her under his wing (Lord M), and a conflict is built in.

Then you have to make it apparent to the first suitor that there is now competition, and here's where I think they got a little muddled. They set it up like this: Victoria and Lord M have a scene together where he spouts off some idea that is obviously new to her; the next scene she's telling Albert "well, Lord M says this, and that and so on," and you see in Albert's eyes that he doesn't like this Lord M fellow. I guess that's fine, but just watching the movie I'm not completely convinced of Lord M's influence over her.

What would be more solidifying is this: Lord M spouts off new idea to Victoria, next scene Victoria spouts it off to Albert as if it were her own, Albert realizes this doesn't sound like her and suspects there is someone else behind it, which would be substantiated when he finally meets Lord M and hears him talk. Lord M's influence appears that much stronger if Victoria is stating his ideas as if they were her own. Then we know for sure what Albert only suspects, which makes us fear for him all the more because he doesn't know just how close he is to losing her. So instead of having just the one obstacle of winning her back, he has the added obstacle of having to find out that he does indeed have to win her back. The more obstacles, the more we a the audience can feel the doubt that allows us to fear for the characters we love the most. The more we fear for our beloved characters, the sweeter the victory when they succeed.

The takeaway for me here is this: place as many obstacles in front of your character's final goal so that your audience can really fear for them. We like to fear for our favorites, we really do, because once again it makes it that much sweeter when they really do succeed.

Changing the subject:

I do not want to like Ben Affleck. I just don't. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with this movie. It's pretty much perfect; even he's perfect in it. And there's the conflict. I really just wanted Ben Affleck to disappear into the has-been, had-one-good-movie-but-that's-over-now abyss. Then he goes and does something like this. And he doesn't just star in it, he flippin' goes and directs and co-writes the thing. It actually kind of pisses me off. Nicely played, Affleck. I hate your guts.

The Necessity Of A Writers' Group For Motivation And Overall Results

2010-09-18T17:59:00.002-05:00

I think I've been pretty clear about the fact that I'm in school right now. Going to be a nurse. Yeah. So, some weeks the only creative writing I get done is sitting at a coffee shop across from Ditty sucking down some very inspiring caffeinated beverage. This is usually good for about five pages. Five pages a week is not exactly flying, but managing a snail's pace while maneuvering the very demanding world of medical academics is what it is. And frankly, it's better than a lot of other screenwriters who are less busy than myself (oh, and you know it).

All this is to say that a writers' group is important. It provides consistency, an environment removed from your other responsibilities, and at least one other person with which to share a common goal (which should keep you from completely losing your mind). It doesn't need to be fancy. Some of the time it's just me and Ditty, sometimes there's three of us, but it doesn't really matter. This is a time set apart for you to write.

"But couldn't I just do it alone? Why do I need someone else there? I don't like people."

Why must you plague me with these questions? The other person is not only a social outlet and a partner in crime, but also creates an expectation. In that moment when you're sitting at home, thinking about going to that coffee shop to write, you may want to take a nap instead except that you know someone is waiting for you and if you don't show up you'll have to make an excuse, plus they'll be kind of mad at you for standing them up and you'll have to deal with the intricacies of correcting that wrong so you might as well get up and go. See how that works?

If you write, I know you know others who write too. So, pick one or two you can stand and set a recurring day and time and location and get to it.

No Title, No Problem. No Problem?

2010-08-29T11:56:00.004-05:00

Rounding page 35 and I still don't have a title. No working title, nothing. I've always had a title; it's always just jumped out as a result of outlining the plot. This time, not so much. Here's my problem with this: I feel like my story is pretty straightforward (pregnant woman, baby daddy and super smart scientist must thwart a microscopic alien invasion while maneuvering the complicated relationship between the three of them - oh yeah, and make it super funny), but how straightforward can it be if I can't think of a working title for this thing? It should just be there. The other problem: all the best titles for alien funny movies have been taken in some way. I think of fun titles, but they're already out there.

Example 1: Aliens!

Well, this just brings up visions of Sigourney Weaver with a big gun and sweatin' like a beast.

Example 2: Aliens Attack! (I like exclamation marks in titles. Makes it look so exciting).

Well, this is obviously a rip off of Mars Attacks!, one of the funniest movies featuring poorly done CGI of green alien characters ever made.

Example 3: Alien Movie

This sounds like a parody of serious alien movies.

Example 4: Three's Company

Well, obviously.

Example 5: Insecure Pregnant Woman Fights Microscopic Aliens With The Help Of, And While Trying To Choose Between, Her Young Dumb Baby Daddy And An Appropriately Aged, Intelligent But Standoffish Scientist.

Yeah, that's just not going to fit on the poster.

Help.

Court Date Set, School Begins, Alien Comedy Trudges On

2010-08-19T09:44:00.002-05:00

All that and I've seemed to have lost my desire to eat well. If I get anything besides pretzel M&Ms in my body before noon it will be a miracle. I blame yesterday, actually. Yesterday was a bang up day. First, I went to the dentist, who shoved horseshoes full of goop into my mouth until it plugged up the back of my throat. "Breath through your nose," he kept saying. These impressions are for a functional retainer, since it has recently come to my attention that my teeth are not completely straight. They're straight, but they could be straighter. One year in a functional retainer ought to do the trick, so there I was and here I am and there I will be a year from now with perfectly straight teeth that no one will notice but me.

Second, I went to my first day of my last year of nursing school. Orientation was a blitz of assignments and warnings about doing well and conducting myself as a proper student. Yesterday I had two things on my calendar, "dentist" and "court;" now I have a full week every week for the rest of the school year. A full calendar is a terrible thing. Just terrible.

Thirdly, and last off, I went to the Municipal Court to file my plea of "not guilty" to a traffic violation accusing me of running a red light (see previous post for grueling details). I have a court date in October, at which time I will present such evidence as will convince the judge that I did not do it (basically, I will provide evidence that it had rained that day, allude to my perfect driving record, and pray to fate that the cop doesn't show). The real problem now is what should I wear?

All that, and I still found time to write five more pages of my screenplay.

"But you were supposed to have that finished by now!"

Yes, I know. I had planned to write it in five days, and probably had everyone including myself convinced that I could do it, too. Alas, things and stuff and events unforeseen, and now I have 30 pages of a potentially good screenplay.

"30 pages! Is that it?!"

Well, I know it doesn't sound like much, considering my goal was 100 pages by last week. I am disappointed in myself for not getting it all done, but really at this point I think focusing on my shortcomings is not the best way to motivate myself to continue forward, especially with how busy I'm going to be this next year.

"You're a crooked-toothed failure!"

Wow. That's very harsh, and frankly a little personal. And I'm getting the tooth thing fixed, so let's just put that to rest right now.

I'm trying. Right now, try is all I got.

Wind, Gone. Sails, Deflated.

2010-07-30T10:12:00.003-05:00

I was doing just fine yesterday. I had ten pages done before 7pm, which for the first ten pages isn't bad. Then this happened:

Apparently, Officer Captain Team America thought I was negligent of the rules of the road when I went through a yellow light at 95th and Quivira. He gave me a ticket in spite of the fact that, last I heard, going through a yellow light is not a crime. Now, according to Officer Captain Team America John Walsh Dunkin, I went through a red light. Well, we'll have to agree to disagree. In court. On August 18th at 5:30pm. Oh yeah, I'll be there, and I've got plenty of Law and Order court case viewings under my belt, so I hope you're prepared for some of the best-laid defense strategies of your life, buddy.

So, needless to say, this put me in a very non-writerly mood as I spent the rest of the night researching traffic law and proper court decorum. Which brings me to the sad realization that all my great plans may be destroyed by chance and circumstance. Add to that the stress I've imposed on myself to get it all done in five days, stress which does little to aid the writing process.

And I have to get a tb test today for nursing school. Bleh.

Back to this traffic ticket, because I am still really upset about it. I've never gotten a ticket in my life (except when I was 17, and I got that taken off my record). So, technically, I've never been given a ticket in my life. I'm a good driver - a great driver some would say (by "some" I mean me). I feel the only way to get over this is to change what happened. I'm going to do that now. Here's what happened:

Officer CTAJWD: Do you know why I pulled you over? It's because you ran that red light.

Me: I know. (literally, that's what I said. I was sooooo pissed).

Officer: Well, you know, the roads are wet and that was dangerous, so... I don't know why you ran a red light with a cop right behind you. Not really smart.

Me: I agree.

Officer: Okay, well, sit tight. I'll be right back.

And then he leaves to write me a ticket. Uuuuugh, it makes me so mad. Here's the new version of what happened:

Officer: You know why I pulled you over?

Me: No, but I'm pretty sure you're gonna tell me.

Officer: It's because you ran a red light.

Me: Actually, I'm positive that I didn't run a red light.

Officer: Well, you know, the roads are wet and that was dangerous, so...

Me: Actually, the fact that the roads are wet is why I did not attempt to stop for the yellow light. I had no desire to slam on my breaks and hydroplane into the intersection, potentially causing a crash that would have been a lot more dangerous than just clearing the intersection before the light turned red.

Officer: I don't know why you ran a red light with a cop behind you. Not really smart.

Me: You know what's not really smart? Whatever mental road map your brain follows that would lead you to think anyone would intentionally break the law when they know full well there's a cop behind them. Seriously, what would make you think that? Do you think people in general are that stupid, or are you just referring to me? Is this a sex thing? I'm stupid because I'm a girl? Because I look like I'm 21? Every 21 year old girl is a moron, is that it?

Officer: Okay, well, sit tight. I'll be right back.

So, in this reality, I still get the ticket, but at least I didn't let my pissed-of-edness get the better of my rapier wit! Can't wait until I see this guy again in court. I will destroy him!

Write A Screenplay In Five (Maybe Five And A Half) Days?

2010-07-28T10:58:00.003-05:00

Was I thinking? Not even "what was I thinking," just was I thinking at all? I can't do this - it's outrageous. Here I am at day half, staring the rest of the five down the throat thinking there are not enough Oreos in the world to enable me to pull this off. And so, of course, I have to try. To not try at this point would be (and I think you already know that I'm going to say...) pointless.

Preparation. I'm not even sure how you get ready for something like this, but I've got some unfounded and completely made-up ideas:

1. You need to have completed a beat sheet. Done

2. You need to have completed a 40 scene breakdown. Done

3. You need to have identified the six main ideas you want to get across in this movie and five examples for each of how you plan to accomplish that in your script. Say what?

Explaining number 3: I pretty much came up with this, so keep that in mind as I give you a very confident explanation of why it is so important that you do this made-up thing I just made up. You need to figure out what you want in your movie that is going to make it awesome. You don't need to know how you're going to fit it in there, just that it will be in there. It's like when you watch a movie trailer, you get this collection of disconnected scenes that give you a sense of what the movie is. You're introduced to a character, they have a few lines, then another character, then both characters are arguing for a few lines, then suddenly they're running down an ally together, then they're talking to this crazy guy with a lab coat on, something explodes, then they almost kiss, care chase, running, jumping, for real kissing, smash to titles, then end with the crazy guy saying something hilarious. You have no idea what's going on, but boy do you want to see this movie. I want to see this movie, and I just made it up (I am out of control with this making stuff up thing).

So that is a really complicated way of saying you just want to narrow down six main ideas and then think of individual little snippets that you would stick in a trailer for this movie to get that idea across. For example, my six ideas are:

1. Anne is a pushover

2. Jeffery is arrogant

3. Baby daddy is stupid (but oh so hot)

4. The aliens are dangerous

5. The action is cool

6. The romance is complicated

Then I can take one of those at a time and put down five things from the movie (stuff I haven't written yet) that are examples of that idea. It doesn't have to be really specific at first. For example, under "the action is cool" I have "bike chase: Jeffery's bike is actually a scooter." So, at some point in this thing, Jeffery is going to get into a chase on his scooter, and I imagine I'll work in some comedic element having to do with Jeffery always acting like he drive a motorcycle, and then we find out it's just a scooter. I don't know, something like that. Under that same heading I also just have the word "guns" and "foot chase." I know I want guns and a foot chase in this thing, I'm just not sure where yet. This is making you all nervous, isn't it?

Another way to look at this is to think of it as if you've already seen this movie and you're sitting around talking about it, or better yet arguing about it. If someone is arguing with you that the movie's action wasn't cool, or that Anne's character wasn't really that much of a pushover, what specific scenes from the movie could you bring up to prove them wrong. Now, go write those scenes! It's really just as simple as time travel of the mind. Hypothetical time traveling with the confines of your own conscience. Creating a tangent universe where you've already written your screenplay, then going there to argue with yourself about it, then coming back and writing a better version of it, even though it technically doesn't exist yet... I think we're done here.

Wish me luck.

You know what, screw luck, wish me to lose three pounds even though I just know I'm going to be eating like crap. That would be something.

A Crazy Outrageous, Almost Sacrilegious Plan To Write A Screenplay In Five Days (Maybe Five And A Half Days)

2010-07-23T14:15:00.003-05:00

Yeah, that's about it. Summer school ends on Wednesday, and a week after that I leave for awesome island vacation/sister's wedding. After I get back, nursing school starts (blast you, nursing school!). I'll probably need the day before we leave to pack and buy airline appropriate sizes of hygiene products I already have, so that leaves basically five days to get this thing done (five and a half, maybe). Gentlemen, place your bets.

I'm both excited and terrified by this prospect. As I see it, this can go two ways: either my mind will be so freed by the fact that it has no expectations on it but to write a fantastic screenplay (no school, no work, probably no personal grooming) that it will spew out literary brilliance the likes of which the world has never seen, or my brain will seize up like a car engine that's run out of oil (I guess in this metaphor, the engine is my brain and the oil is...Oreos?). So yeah, I guess I'll just stock up on Oreos.

Can she do it!? Can such a plan ever really work? Should it even be attempted - can it be safe? Because I am literally the only person in the history of time to attempt to write a full-length, first draft screenplay in five days. Ever.

I'm probably going to gain some weight here.

Do I Have To Answer Every Single Question Before I Start Writing This Screenplay?

2010-07-19T13:02:00.004-05:00

There's basically two school of thought on this: the "yes you do" theory, and the "no, no you don't." I just don't know which one is the right answer. I can see the merit in both. By answering all the questions ahead of time, nothing is left to chance. But the problem with answering it all beforehand is that nothing is left to chance. Have I made the dilemma painfully obvious yet?

I mean, the core questions are answered. Who are the main characters, what is their goal, what's the ending? The more minute details are really what's left, like for example, what exactly is plan A, and why does it fail? Okay, that seems kind of big now that I wrote it down. I mean, I have a general idea of what plan A entails, but no real details. Same with plan B, actually.

Okay, so I probably have to figure those two plot points out a little more before starting, but where does it end? At what point do I stop answering questions and start writing this thing. What needs to be planned, and what needs to come organically out of the story writing process, if anything? I like the idea of knowing everything about the story before I write it, because then I think it would go a lot smoother, but at the same time I would like the story to kind of take me where it wants to go (oh that sounds sooooo pretentious).

Answers people, please.

Perspective and the Art of Answering Stupid Questions

2010-07-15T14:15:00.008-05:00

Sounds like a book title. Maybe I should have gone into motivational speaking; probably would have been less work. I complain a lot.

If you've never had this happen to you, as a screenwriter, eventually it will. You give someone your screenplay to read, the one you've slaved over and given every thought in the world you had to give, and after reading it you get this: "that was pretty good...pause...have you ever thought about doing this story from the perspective of the landlady?" Okay, so get in the frame of mind here - you've just spent like seven months pounding this thing out, and now they want you to rewrite the whole thing from an accessory character's perspective? Really?

This one's classic too: "what if your main character was a girl?" Wha'? Oh sure, I'll just go through and change all the "he's" to "she's" and all the "Bills" to "Veronicas" and it'll be all good. Yeah, no, not quite that easy. You're basically asking me to write a whole new screenplay, just to see what that would be like. That's like saying, "now that you've made lasagna, what if we have veal parmesan for dinner instead?" No! I made lasagna, and that's what we're going to eat. It's a done deal. Maybe if you had said something earlier, like when I was pulling the noodles out of the box, or turning the stove on, but now it's too late - I already made the stuff, and you're gonna eat it!

Of course people don't say these things to send you into a rage. They're just saying it because there's something wrong with your story and they don't know how else to tell you you're a bad writer, so they figure they'll keep you busy for a while and hope the next script will turn out better (I use "you" to take some of the pressure off "me." Makes it sound like I'm not alone, and that you are as bad as I am at this).

So guess what I did? Yeah, that's right, I beat them at their own game. I did a whole beat sheet with my main character, then did a whole other one with my sidekick character. Ha! Take that. "What do you think about writing this from Jeffery's perspective?" BAM! There you go. Already did it.

In addition to being a great way to totally shut those kinds of stupid questions down, it was actually really helpful. I realized part of my timeline was off, and the mental picture I've had of this character has gotten a lot clearer, and changed quite a bit. He's actually his own character now, instead of just being a vehicle for hitting Anne's plot points.

I realize this isn't groundbreaking, and is probably what other writers who are way less lazy than I am do with all their scripts. The only mind I'm blowing here is my own, because I don't really think I've put this much work in before, and I can't help thinking that it is going to pay off, and the prospect of that is really exciting. Hard work. You can't get around it, so just shut it and make something happen.

40 Scene Breakdown - What A Drag!

2010-07-08T15:29:00.006-05:00

You know, I miss that feeling; the one from when that screenplay was fresh in my mind, and all the possibilities were both vague and endless. Now I've got this 40 scene thing to plot out, and let me tell you something - it feels a little bit like work. And this is what usually happens with these things and me: I get to this point and I'm all "yeah, I'm totally going to write this whole screenplay out by scenes, real detailed, and that way when I sit down to write it I just go off that," which then turns into "yes, I will definitely do that tomorrow," which turns into "for sure the next day I'm going to do it," and then "wait, I haven't done that yet?" Oh well, I'll just write the screenplay and I'm sure it will turn out fine."

No! It does not turn out fine! It turns into me struggling to make sense of the progression of events and then getting halfway through thinking "gee, it would have been nice to set this up in the beginning, but if I go back and do that, I'll have to change this, and then that can't happen, and why not just forget it. What's for dinner?" Not this time. A 40 scene breakdown may be the biggest killjoy in the lifespan of a screenplay, but it's important. It's like exercise. I loathe doing it, but I love not looking like a marshmallow (I'm very pale, so if I got real fat I imagine it would resemble a marshmallow. Anyway, I don't want to find out).

So I buckled down and white boarded out my 40 scenes. Sure there are too many second act scenes, and the third act only has two lines, but I did it and now it's just a matter of fixing it up, which is much easier than starting from scratch.

So, a lesson to be learned here? I guess. Lessons sound a lot like work. Basically, separate what you feel like doing from what you know is good for you and your screenplay, and just do it. Do it!

I'm Cheating On Microbiology... With A Screenplay!

2010-06-30T13:30:00.003-05:00

I have a test tomorrow (I hate the way that sounds), but instead of studying I'm working on my screenplay. I'm having an incredible writing day. I'm like some kind of literary savant right now. I don't know if it's the perceived element of danger that's making my mind work so quick and clear (I just laid out a beat sheet, from scratch, in like thirty minutes flat), or if I'm just super saturated with months and months of creative suppression and it's just now getting a chance to overflow.

I've had a longstanding theory that the best thing you can do for your writing is join a gym, because then your excuse for not working out can be writing. Well, this is even better. You - go sign up for a full credit fall course in Microbiology, or Physiology or something like that, and I give it two weeks before your writing takes off like one of those cube shaped kites that nerds fly for fun. I guess it also helps that I'm writing an alien movie, so every once in a while my teacher will mention something about genetics or spores and on the inside I'm going "plasmids, of course! That's how they do it - they inject the spores via the pilus! It's simple Prokaryotic mutation!"

You know what else is awesome? Finding a new writing spot that nobody knows about. It's like my and my screenplay's cheap motel room, only it's a private study room at the library. I'm in it right now (don't tell anybody). There is nothing in here but a desk, two chairs, an electric typewriter and a whiteboard. And now me, and all my crap. It's beautiful. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I can reserve this room up to two months in advance. I can literally plan appointments with my writing. With no luck at all, this screenplay will be written before fall semester starts. Take that, nursing school. You can't have all of me! Never!

Couldn't Stand That My Last Post Was From Christmas, So...

2010-04-11T19:27:00.006-05:00

And I have nothing to say for myself. Nothing. Still working quite slowly on that new script, nursing school still kicking my butt (as I wipe other's butts). Script Frenzy goes on without me. Life goes on without me. This pity party goes on.

I have to hand it to my good friend Ditty (Elizabethan Theatre). As a friend she is patient with me, and as a writer she is prolific and motivating. I think we may be friends forever.

And as long as I'm shoutin' out, here's to Roger over at ScriptShadow. You are like the energizer bunny of encouragement. I don't understand it, but man am I grateful. People who give good advice are often ignored, because good advice usually involves time-consuming methods by which one can reach their goal. Which is why no one takes good advice anymore. Well, I just wanted you to know I'm taking yours. Thanks for it.

Sorry to have been gone so long. Here's a little something for hanging in there:

Funniest. Blog. Ever.

Christmas and Script Criticism Seem Unfit for Each Other

2009-12-27T17:14:00.004-06:00

Christmas... yeah. We did it. Moving on.

Got Goodland back from the script readers (I used Act One). Jack read my script, then gave me a call and talked with me for over an hour. It's a hard thing, taking criticism on the first script you really feel proud of. It's even harder when basically everything the guy is saying rings true, and you wonder within yourself at the complete lack of insight which led you to overlook these problems. He had good things to say, they always have good things to say to you. It is disheartening, though, when you begin to realize that these changes they want you to make are exactly the changes you need to make, but for some reason you would never have figured it out on your own. The lights go on, and you completely see it, but you didn't before, and then you wonder why you didn't see it, which inevitably leads you the the conclusion that you may never see it, and maybe seeing is reserved for those really great screenwriters, of which you will never be since you can't see it.

Or maybe it's just a matter of time before I begin seeing it.

Going with that hypothesis, I theorize that it will be at least five more scripts before I begin seeing it. They tell you that it will take 7-8 scripts before you get a good one, and I'm on 3, so I've got 5 to go (check the math - I'm crap at math). This is also disheartening when you consider that I must trudge along for five more scripts, putting my entire effort into it while knowing that what I will be producing in the end is just a means to an end. Kind of takes all the creative energy out of it. I thought my motivation was fickle before, now there will be no living with it. You almost have to fool yourself into thinking that this next script will be the one, even though you know it won't, because it's only number 4. But come on, it's a romantic comedy with aliens, how can that not be the one?

On the up side, I've got the next three scripts all planned out. Ooh, ooh I just thought of a Christmas analogy for this! It's like a Christmas present that you know is perfect, and you save all your pennies for it, then you go out and buy it, wrap it up really nice with the bows and everything, and then you just put it on a shelf because no one is ever going to open it. But it was good practice. I hate to practice. Is it too much to ask that I be good at just one thing without having to actually work so hard at it?

Nano Off To A Rough Start

2009-11-03T15:26:00.008-06:00

Oh man, it's like pulling teeth. I'm sitting on 1,300 words, and every single stinking one of them was absolutely painful. What is this? Writing used to come so easily to me; last year I'd churn out 5,000 in one sitting, no problem. It took me three hours to complete 1,300 measly words, and half the time I was shopping online for shoes. And that's the other problem. Before, I had no problem putting even important things off in the name of completing my Nano goal. Now, it's as if finding the best price on a pair of ankle boots is more important. I don't even know if I like ankle boots. Would I wear them if someone gave me a pair, sure. If they fit and didn't suck. But am I actually going to buy a pair, I don't know. Sometimes I think they look cool, but other times I think, "gosh, is that look totally out? Am I trying to make something happen here that really shouldn't happen? Do they make my legs look stubby, and if so is that cute?"

Here's where I really think this is going. What's happening here is a result of the tragedy of knowing too much. Here's what I know: I'm not a good writer. And by that, what I mean is I'm not producing stuff that makes industry professionals touch their chin and go, "Hmm, that's good." Now, I've been not a good writer for quite some time, but I didn't know it before. I was blissfully unaware of my own literary stench, and now that I know it's paralyzing. Because I care. I didn't used to care, and that was fine because I was young and just starting out, and I knew that it was only a matter of time and some hard work before I really, honestly would be good. It's just taking such a long time, and the work ethic is not there. I had it for a while, and then school. Then family. Then new episodes of 30 Rock and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So I sit down to write something that I think could be really good, but it's not good because 1. nothing is ever good on the first draft, and 2. I am a whole lot of time and effort away from being good. I don't work hard. I just want it to be good the first time so I don't have to go back and fix it again and again and again. And when it doesn't come out just right the first time, I get frustrated and all my creativity retreats far back into the part of my brain responsible for remembering high school Algebra (i.e. the part of my brain that doesn't work).

Wow, I don't even remember what semblance of motivation I was supposed to pull out of this. Oh yeah - it's not going to be good the first time. Just accept it, and move on. Write the thing. I know you want it to be good (trust me, I do know), but you just have to get something down, and later you can go back and spend years painstakingly rearranging it so that people don't want to vomit when they try to read it (although, there are some books like that out there right now, and boy are they popular). Write it. Write a bad novel. Worse case scenario: it will always be good for a laugh. I wrote a hideous piece of Medieval fiction when I was 19. It took me nine months, it was 100 pages, single spaced, and it was all I could ever think about. Even had one of my friends proof read it for me. It is truly horrible, but I love that book. You never regret writing a bad novel. What you may regret is not writing a bad novel, because in the back of your mind you will always think, "what if it would have been good?"

Nano Is Coming!

2009-10-25T22:40:00.004-05:00

If you're cool, you call it Nano. If you're not cool, you say National Novel Writing Month. "Whoa, whoa, whoa" you're thinking, "I thought you were a screenwriter?" Well, I am (okay, so I'm not, but go with me on this), but novels are fun, especially novels that have to be written in one month. 50,000 word novels that have to be written in one month. If you don't think that sounds fun, then how weird are you?

It's a literary vacation is what it is. You just sit at your computer and take a trip far away from structure, style and sense (yeah, this book is going to be greeeeeeeat). It's dangerous. It's super dangerous, and being dangerous is fun, especially when it's done in the privacy of your own home or a well lit, public coffee house (and not late at night at the coffee shop. And not the coffee shop with the one guy that stares at me sometimes when he doesn't think I can see him out of the corner of my eye).

What I'm kind of driving at here is I think you should do it with me. Mostly because it would be really good for you, but also because misery loves company. But mostly because I think misery loves company. Just do it. Do it. Dooooooo it.

This is going to be fun!

People Are the Greatest Stories

2009-10-12T17:42:00.006-05:00

Thanks to Roger for reminding me of that. And that's the most awesome thing about being a writer (okay, so everything is the most awesome thing about being a writer, but for today we'll just make this one the most awesome), every part of your life, even when it has nothing to do with writing, has everything to do with story. Being a stressed out, Oreo addicted nursing student is a story. Granted, not my kind of story right off the bat - too melodramatic, and way too much crying. I'd have to throw something in there, like, all the faculty are actually aliens, but really funny aliens that are terribly unorganized and have no idea themselves how to take over a planet like ours, but they're still dangerous because they like to suck our brains out. That's a better story. Still, it's there.

I'm not writing anything creative right now because of school, and that is profoundly frustrating to me. But I have to remind myself of the concept of phases. Sometimes the writing process involves periods of not writing, or "incubation" phases. I'm just in a really, really crappy incubation phase right now. And, considering I have three distinct, and pretty well planned out screenplays up in there, this incubation could last a while. Probably about as long as, say, a typical first year of nursing school would last. I may be able to eek out a little something over Christmas break, but even the thought of that is getting my hopes up, and that I have to avoid altogether. First, the hopes go up, then the expectations rise, then I resolve on writing something, the resolve comes and goes without anything to show for it but the incredible guilt associated with letting myself down. So, yeah, no hopes up. Hopes must stay down, way down.

Who's tired of hearing about this? I see that hand. I see that hand.

Look at this instead:

Go see this movies. Shhhhhh, don't ask any questions, just go see it. You can catch a matinee, I don't even care, just see it.

There. That was for you.

The End of All Motivation

2009-09-27T20:36:00.002-05:00

I'm talking about nursing school. I hate nursing school. I realize how bad that sounds now that I've actually written it down, but that's basically it. You know how many butts I wiped on Wednesday? Four. Four butts. Well, not four butts, it was the same butt four times. Same difference. And it's not even that. I don't mind wiping butts. Somebody's got to do it, and I'm the student, so I do it. It's probably worse to be the guy who has to have his butt wiped four times because the doctor was blasting him with fiber and laxatives, and the CP prevents him from getting out of bed to use the bathroom for himself, so he has to go on a bedpan, if he can make it, otherwise he just has to go in the bed, and tell me that's not embarrassing. Yeah, it's definitely much worse to be that guy.

Back to me.

I can't write. Even posting this blog is kind of painful. I've written nothing but a five page scene for a contest that, frankly, wasn't that great. The scene, I mean. The contest is fine. I have a pretty decent beginning to a screenplay that I have not touched since school started. I got nothing. It's not that I don't want to be a nurse, it's just that being a nursing student sucks, and what sucks worse than that alone is that I don't have anything left after doing all my sucky nursing homework to devote to what I really like to do, which is write. I'm not even keeping up with my nursing blog. Nothing. The only thing I haven't lost motivation for is watching TV. Still love to watch TV. Lots of TV. And ice cream. So much ice cream, you wouldn't believe. I'm actually going to quit writing this now, and go get some ice cream. There's been a lot of ice cream on sale lately.

Inglorious = Glorious!

2009-08-30T13:48:00.002-05:00

Okay, listen closely, and just trust me on this. Anyone who tells you this movie is not worth seeing has no idea what they're talking about - no idea. Or, they are willfully deceiving you, and I don't know which is worse. For the first fifteen minutes, I'm sitting in this movie thinking "okay, how long can this scene possibly last? If the whole movie is like this, then I don't know if I'm going to - whoa! Did that just happen? Oh, no!" and tension ensues. In fact, this whole movie is a study in proper tension-building. I'm not even a big Tarantino fan; sometimes I just don't get the guy, but this time I did. This time, he blew me away. It takes a genius. Write a twenty minute scene? No problem. Write a twenty minute scene that holds people's attention and ends in such a way that it completely justifies ever second of the time spent building to that point? That takes Tarantino. Watch and understand what it is to take your time and do it right. What it is to wow with skill and words and not just visual tricks of the trade. If you told me you had a fifteen minute stretch of your script where two guys are just sitting at a table talking, I'd tell you to cut that down to three minutes, and have them doing something. But Tarantino does it. I'll never be able to do it, but Tarantino does it. And he does it very well.

Music and Lyrics and Your Script

2009-08-23T22:06:00.002-05:00

"I'm coming up only

to hold

you under.

I'm coming up only

to show

you wrong."

-Band of Horses

I love this. I mean, I love Band of Horses, I love the music, and I love-love the lyrics. I don't even get lyrics, usually. I'm not a poem person, I'm not deep like that; I'm either deep in some other way, or I'm not deep at all. But these words, look at them. Say them to yourself. How cool are they? What a weird and clear motivation for someone. "I'm coming up only to hold you under." Oooh. Can you feel it? I imagine there's this guy, and he's drowning, he's going down. And he doesn't have enough energy left to save himself, but then he sees this other guy making it to the top of the water, and he knows this guy, and he knows he can't let that happen. So he finds within himself something that was not there when it was only his life at stake, but there it is when he sees this guy getting away, and he gets himself to the top of the water so that he can put his hand on this guy's head and just push him down into the water. Yikes! What a character! What a wonderful example of a strong, compelling story. Why? Why is he coming up only to hold this other person under? What has this other guy done? What could he possibly have done? And how can I make a movie about it? If only.

Listen to the song. You're going to be a fan.

New Project Anouncement!

2009-08-16T19:25:00.002-05:00

A few posts ago, I lamented my sorry state after hearing that my money tree script idea had been written by someone else. However, after relating this dilemma to some other writers, including you my faithful readers, I received overwhelming encouragement to write it anyway. I mean, the other one hasn't been sold, and my treatment of it is so different. But more than all the rationalizing I could ever do on my own, it's pretty much because everyone around me is saying "go for it." I trust you people. So I'm going to go for it.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Goodland!

2009-08-16T18:13:00.004-05:00

Well, it's off. My most favoritist script I've ever written is now in the hands of professionals, and I anxiously await their feedback. Kind of. Kind of not. Really, there are two scenarios going on in my head that represents the two possible extremes. In my wildest dreams, it goes something like this:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Two READERS drudgingly sift through piles of papers. Each script is worse than the last, as evidenced by their frequent sighs. Dropping a particularly bad one, Reader 1 turns to the other.

READER 1

They don't pay me nearly enough for this.

READER 2

Word.

READER 1

I swear, if I read another vampire script I'm going to bite my own wrists open.

READER 2

What if the vampires are cheerleaders?

READER 1

You're joking.

Reader 2 holds up a scripts titled "Bring It On: Blood Lust!" Reader 1 has just enough energy left to roll his eyes.

READER 2

I need a new job.

READER 1

I've lost the will to live.

READER 2

One more script before we throw in.

READER 1

Fine. What about this one.

READER 2

Goodland? Wow, that's actually a decent title.

READER 1

Yeah.

The two Readers thumb through the manuscript.

READER 1

Pages look nice. Good formatting, nice use of white space. Hey, I think they even spell checked!

READER 2

Are you reading this?

READER 1

Why? What is it?

The two give the script more attention. With each turn of the page, the Readers look more and more excited. Their eyes open wider, their backs straighten. Can it be?

READER 1

What action lines! It's as if I'm really there, seeing the whole thing unfold.

READER 2

And the dialogue. So natural, yet hilarious and, at times, riveting!

READER 1

These characters, so three-dimensional. I can't stop reading. I have to know what happens next, and somehow, I don't know how, but I care! My life is suddenly worth living.

READER 2

You're right. This movie has inspired me. I'm going to go back to college and finish my degree.

READER 1

I'm going to go home and spend time with my family.

READER 2

But first, we have to show this to someone.

READER 1

You mean the literary agent who gives us kickbacks to recommend new writers to her?

READER 2

No, not that boss.

READER 1

You mean the studio exec who pads our salary in exchange for floating him exciting new scripts?

READER 2

No. I mean the big one. The Boss.

READER 1

You mean your uncle, Peter Jackson?

READER 2

Yeah. And my second cousin-in-law, George Lucas. He's been looking for a heartwarming comedy.

READER 1

Great! Let's not waste any time!

Energized by their find, the two Readers rush out of the room, leaving their paperwork and their pessimism behind.

FADE OUT

But in the real world, it will more likely go something like this:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Two READERS sift through piles of papers. One of them sighs.

READER 1

The good ones are getting fewer and farther between.

READER 2

I know. This one has cheerleading vampires in it.

READER 1

Cheerleading vampires? Vampires are hot right now. So are cheerleaders.

READERS 2

Cheerleaders are always hot.

READER 1

Word. Put that one on the maybe pile. What else you got?

READER 2

Here's one about a guy who builds a resort in Austria.

READER 1

Austria? Sounds expensive. Casting would be a nightmare. Shooting would have to be on location.

READER 2

I've never been to Austria. Is that by Germany?

READER 1

Yeah. Hmm... Germany... How about Brats for lunch?

READER 2

Ooh, that sounds good.

READER 1

Cool, let's go.

READER 2

What about this script?

READER 1

Did they send a check with it?

READER 2

Yeah.

READER 1

Good. We can use that money to buy our brats.

READER 2

Sweet!

The two Readers turn to go. In his haste to get his brat, Reader 1 knocks the Goodland script to the floor, where Reader 2 unknowingly kicks it under the rug, where it stays forever.

So, those are the two possibilities, as I see it. As much as I would love for them to go gaga over my script, in all likelihood, they will probably just read it, write notes on it, and return it to me. Which is fine. It's not really fine, but it is. I will learn from it, and become a better writer for it. And eventually, maybe, hopefully, all this learning and growing and improving will turn into something more tangible than the "building of my character."

What I'm Watching (Don't Judge Me!)

2009-08-06T20:03:00.011-05:00

Shaking off the crap of yesterday's yesterday (you like that? It means two days ago. Get it? No? No good? Okay), I am pressing forth and bringing you the short list of the very best a non-paying TV viewer can expect right now. Basically, what I'm watching. And away we go:

30 Rock and The Office reruns

Pretty much the best prime time, regular television comedies on right now. Even though I've seen every episode, I can't help but postpone everything else I have to get done in favor of watching Tina Fey almost kiss her cousin, or Dwight sitting down on his gift wrapped chair only to find that there is no chair under it. Actually, right now I'm watching the one where Micheal forms his own paper company and Jim pretends to have relationship issues to play with Andy's head. Good times. It's hard to pick a favorite between these two, which is probably why I bundled them together. But if I had to, I would just say this: I have a Dwight bobble head. What does that tell you? Yeah, 30 Rock is better. It's better than everything.

Blackadder

Okay, so in case you don't know (because I didn't until about two months ago), Rowen Atkinson did more than just Mr. Bean. And as much as I adore Mr. Bean (my dad would let me stay up late so I could watch it with him, and my mom would sit there rolling her eyes every time we busted out laughing, which only made it funnier), I have to say that my favorite is now Blackadder. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. British comedy from the 80's is pretty much the best thing that ever was. If you've never seen Keeping Up Appearances, then you have no idea what I'm talking about, but if you are fortunate enough to catch public television's broadcasts of the Brit Com Comedy Club, then you know the feeling that comes over you, and you know better than to take a sip of anything until the break between shows (that's right, no commercial breaks on public television. Just pledge drives. Fancy, star-studded, incredibly watchable pledge drives). Oh, and yeah, that's Hugh Laurie up in that photo. Soooo funny.

Nova Science Now

Another shout out to PBS is this show with that guy, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Seriously funny guy. The show is entertaining and informational without being gimmicky. And sometimes there are songs. I like the songs. Come on. I know science is in the title, but it's a good show. If you don't believe me, watch this. Come on, it's cute, and you might learn something.

Legend of the Seeker

Okay, I saved this one for last because I know what your eyes are doing right now, and you can just stop it. We are all allowed one of these types of shows, the kind that are so gloriously awful that they are actually wonderfully good, and this one is mine. And it is just as glorious as the poster suggests. People, I have tried not to watch this show, truth be told I don't really even know when it's on, except that it seems to be on all the time. So, just for you, I did a little research (I went to the Hulu page), and found out some stuff. Here's what you need to know: The Seeker, which is the guy on the guy in the poster, is going to save the world with the help of that lady in the poster, whom he is in love with but can never be with because...I don't want to ruin it for you. Th second season starts in November, and one of the Executive Producers is Sam Raimi (if you don't know this guy, get acquainted, because he's aaaah-sum!). And now, a link to the official sight. You know you want to go, and if you didn't before, I'll tell you this: the guy in the poster, the one with the buff arms, yeah he has an accent. Just wanted to let you know. You're welcome.

An Overall Crappy Day

2009-08-04T21:54:00.002-05:00

I had a really enjoyable post planned for today, about what I've been watching on TV lately. I love TV. But that will have to wait, because today was so all around crappy that the only thing to do is ramble shortly about it in a poorly-constructed post and then pout pensively while trying to watch Conan. Three things, really. My skin is bad right now, for starters. Probably the most trivial of the three, but girls you know how it feels when your skin is just not doing its best, and it's as if everything else in life is affected by it. Secondly, Blake Snyder died suddenly. If you don't know who he is, I have his blog linked down there to the right. This guy has taught me almost everything I know in the area of screenwriting. Plus, apparently he was a nice guy. Thirdly, and most suckingly, I've discovered that my big, very exciting screenplay idea I was so looking forward to writing has already been written. Script Shadow posted the idea from a represented writer who has not sold it yet. Basically, it's about a guy who finds a tree that grows actual for real money. That was my idea. I've had the idea since 2004. It was one of my first screenplays, and I never finished it. I finally revamped it, and was ready to go. Then this. They always tell you this will happen to you at some point, and I always thought for some reason it wouldn't happen to me so soon. Oh well. It's a good idea, I hope it gets made at some point and in some form. My form would have been preferable, but that's just the way my day was going anyhow. If it is any consolation to myself, I much prefer my approach to the story concept. But, then again, who doesn't like their own stuff better? Ah, suck.

Suck, suck, suck.

Victory Is Mine!

2009-08-02T13:10:00.002-05:00

If you'll please draw your attention to the right of this screen, you will see that the progress bar for Goodland is full! Rejoice! Yes, that's right, Rejoice! I kept with it, resisting the alluring temptation of starting a shiny new script, and here I have a finished product ready to be sent to the real guys, the big guns, the people who take my money and in return crush my dreams with their expert criticism. Ah well. I will savor this moment even in the knowledge of its pending demise. This is what we're supposed to do: write script-edit script-finish script. Rinse. Repeat. And I intend to repeat. I have a new idea I'm really excited about, and as soon as I actually and for real decide to start writing, I'll tell you all about it. For now, cookies, milk, and more Pride & Prejudice & Zombies!

Script vs Script!

2009-07-20T20:43:00.003-05:00

This Monday! Monday! Monday night! Script smackdown - Boring Editing Process versus Exciting New Script Idea. Who will be named the victor?!

Unfortunately, nobody wins in this accurate, albeit strange metaphor. So, I've got this Goodland script back with notes all over it (excellent notes, might I add - thank you Brittany), but then I've got my new script idea, which I've already outlined and completed the 40-scene breakdown for. What should I do? There's the lure of the shiny new script idea, but then there's that old faithful script, that time-tested Goodland which has proven itself through edit after edit to be without the plot holes and character misrepresentations - problems my new script is sure to present. Is it wrong to start a new script without completely and totally finishing the other? Am I cheating on Goodland? Can you cheat on a script? And is it cheating if I've only outlined it?

Okay, that's enough metaphor for this evening. I had cake for dinner, so I'm a little hyper. Let's lay the question out there: should you finish your current project before beginning a new one? And by finish, I mean get all the notes back and make the necessary changes so that it is ready to be sent out to the people you actually pay to read it, and I mean the people you pay with money and not banana bread (although I have it on good authority that a certain someone enjoyed her banana bread very much). At first, I don't see the harm in starting a new project. I can refer to the older, almost finished one whenever I want, and isn't it good to let a script ruminate, breath, travel around in the mind for a while until something occurs to you that would be perfect for it, so you pick it up again and have that special moment of brilliance? But we all know those people, or rather that feeling we get when those people tell us they have a script they've been working on for years. Years. I don't ever want to tell someone that I have a script I've been working on for years. Finish it. Finish it, and move on. Isn't that the name of the spec game? Makin' sausage? Shoveling crap until the pile is so high that someone has to notice it? Am I reading too many scriptwriting blogs?

So, I'm not entirely sure what to do. I think I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to work on Goodland until it is totally, wholly, 100% ready to be sent to a professional reader, and not until then will I set it down. And if I just can't help myself, I'll secretly work on the other project. But I'll try not to (but I probably will).

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies...and Emma Woodhouse?

2009-07-13T20:24:00.008-05:00

As an aside (oh yes, it is perfectly acceptable to begin a post with an aside), I would like to draw your attention to the right of this blog, where my progress bar for Goodland, Phase: Edit, has reached its goal. My Manager/writing buddy/fearless leader is now in possession of it, and I await her most excellent notes.

Moving on. Friday was my birthday, and my most astute husband picked up the hints I'd been meticulously dropping for weeks and bought me what I really wanted: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies! So delightful. I am a Jane Austen purist, at heart. I do not like people trifling with Dame Jane (okay, maybe she's not a Dame per say, but in my imagination she was actually knighted - she would have preferred that). I don't enjoy the idea of having her beautifully crafted works dumbed down into two hour movies that do no justice to her brilliant characters or her subtle commentary on class. There are but two exceptions to this, the BBC A&E miniseries Pride and Prejudice, starring Colin Firth (the real Mr. Darcy), and Emma Thompson's most excellent Sense and Sensibility, which represents the very best of Jane and Thompson both. I'm not one for The Jane Austen Book Club, or Becoming Jane - A whole movie about a woman we know very little about, and who led what can only be assumed to be a very secluded and lonely life - I think not. Me thinks they had to make up a lot of stuff. That being said, I couldn't be more excited to read this Zombie-laden version of Austen's classic work. I think it displays the very best of classic literature tampering, at once ridiculous and hilarious, utterly stupid and yet completely genius. Were Austen alive today, I think she would be extremely diverted.

However...

I have come across one tiny, minute point of discontent with this, my soon to be most favoritest book ever. That is, the portrait Quirk Classics (or whoever it is who owns them) chose for the cover. We are to suppose it to be Elizabeth Bennet, the heroine of this tale, be it with or without zombies. She is displayed with deliciously gory detail, which I immediately ascertained to be nothing short of spectacular, and had I not been already reading Emma, I would have abandoned my current book and begun reading this one right away. But I am of the opinion that one Austen should never be slighted for the other, so I resolved to finish Emma before beginning P&P&Z! Taking up my copy of Emma, I saw something familiar. I went back to my new book and discovered the truth. Holding them side by side, it was revealed that the portrait of the zombified Elizabeth Bennet was indeed not Elizabeth Bennet, but her complete character opposite in almost every way, Emma Woodhouse! Who has no relation to that work at all. So now what? Is it Emma, or Lizzy? Penguin Classics seems to think it Emma, while this Quirk Classics (whoever they are) seem to disagree. I, being the tie breaker, have to side with Penguin Classics, who claimed the portrait first, and therefore are in the right. So Quirk Classics has mistakenly, or blatantly, chosen Emma Woodhouse for their zombified tale where Elizabeth Bennet should have been present. This is my sole complaint. And it is but a trifling one.

Okay, tell me you see it.

New Blogroll Addition, and A Word About Wes Anderson

2009-07-03T18:13:00.003-05:00

I think it's pretty apparent that I'm very particular about what goes on my blogroll, considering up to this point there are only three links on there (so, particular or just ignorant of all the blog-like resources out there to script writers... I'll go with particular). But today I am going to induct a fourth. ScriptShadow is brilliant. Thank you to my Manager for sharing. Just as my life was spiralling downward under the weight of increasing expectations of keeping up with all that is screenwritery, here is a website that will make available to me the newest scripts, ready to read, along with insight into who is playing what part and who is making it. Brilliant! I love it. Thank you Carson Reeves, whoever you are. And the very first screenplay I read off this blog was Leap Year, a romantic comedy written by Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont (I know, I never heard of them either). Seek it out. It's wonderful, and I mean that exactly as it sounds, very light and pleasant and feel-good. Wonderful. As Carson says, the first act tries too hard, but push past the first fifteen pages and I promise you will not be able to walk away. You are going to have actual and for real emotional responses to this (dare I say it?) gem. But more important than the short-term good feeling this movie evokes is the long-term benefits of reading such a well presented story. I learned some things, some things I didn't know how to do before. Looks I didn't know how to write into a movie before, gestures, little tricks for your action lines that make them less perfunctory but at the same time not stepping on any other creative toes. I'm going to admit something that I may wish I hadn't later on, but I can probably count the number of screenplays I have ever read on one hand and one finger. Quite literally. Including Leap Year. And then I wonder, "why can't I write good?" I realize more now than ever the importance of reading what you wish to write. And not just things that represent how you want to write, but if you want to write romantic comedies, you may want to bend your focus that-a-way. Some might read Leap Year and think it formulaic, and it is. That's why it works. Formulas work. Patterns work. You don't criticize a seamstress because they followed a pattern, you rather expect them to. You want your shirt to look like a shirt, not a pair of house slippers. The brilliance comes when you can take that same old shirt pattern, add a few buttons here, ruffles there, maybe a lighter fabric (this is obviously a lady's blouse), and there you go. Something old, but new. Something familiar, but different. It's a shirt, but it's... okay, you get it, you get it. It's metaphor. Check.

And now for something completely different...

Wes Anderson. This guy I don't get. I watched The Darjeeling Limited last night (yesterday was a very good day for me, cinematically speaking), and for the first twenty minutes I thought, "here we go again. This guy is just being an 'artist.' He's trying to be 'different,'" and I'm not too big on different where my movies are concerned. I like the shirt pattern (oh yeah, I'm gonna drive that shirt pattern thing into the ground). And then, somewhere in like the tenth slow motion sequence, I realized what was going on here. This guy is just on another level. Maybe it's not a higher level, maybe there's no hierarchy to be had here, but somehow he's a little further down the road than I am. And it's captivating in a way, after you accept the fact that maybe the turning point and the "raising the stakes" moment aren't going to be that easy to see. But they're there, in some form, or maybe I just imagine them to help me relate. But it's taken me years of Wes Anderson to realize how good he is. He really is good. I don't know him personally, I don't know what he's really like, whether or not he has a good reputation with the Who's Who of the Where It's At, but he does something that makes me watch what would otherwise be gibberish in the hands of anyone else. I may be a bit tardy with this epiphany, but there it is. Now I've admitted two embarrassing things in one blog: the fact that I haven't read that many screenplays, and that it's taken me until now to appreciate Wes Anderson. I am quite ashamed at myself. Horribly, horribly ashamed.

The Whole Screenwriting Process and Its Relevance to Baking Banana Bread at 11:08pm

2009-07-01T23:07:00.003-05:00

I got home from Harpo's (more on that in a moment), and realized that the bananas I had been waiting to turn had in fact been excreting some kind of juice in the bottom of the Ziploc bag, so regardless of the hour, banana bread had to be made. I might have made it this afternoon, but I was lazy taking a nap. Most people say busy taking a nap, but I prefer lazy taking a nap, because that's pretty much what it boils down to. That's what I do when I'm overwhelmed, I take a nap, and this afternoon I was overwhelmed, I am overwhelmed. There's just so much to do. You're supposed to write as much as you can, but also keep up on what others are writing, so that means reading screenplays to get the feel for new things, but also be sure you keep an eye on what is coming out so that you understand the market, but don't just watch trailers, see the movies, since that's what you're writing anyway. Then you need to make sure you've got time to read real books, because that's important too, but also make time to get involved in the writing community, in person and on the web. That's what I was doing at Harpo's. It's where The Kansas City Screenwriters meet, and that's the kind of thing aspiring screenwriters should be doing, meeting up with other aspiring screenwriters to exchange ideas and whatnots. It's all good stuff, just taking it in all at once can seem daunting. How am I supposed to accomplish all these things on a consistent basis while maintaining a job and eventually school, taking care of the husband, and finding time to bake banana bread at a reasonable hour? Blake Snyder says I should be spitting out four scripts a year. I can't imagine! It's not possible in my current state. I would have to change my surroundings, my circumstances, altogether to make that feasible. Am I willing to do that? Probably not. I want it my way. I want to get my school done, live a happy non-neurotic life, maintain a healthy love life, and produce good, quality scripts at a rate of about one per year. If I can't make it doing that, then right now I'm just not going to make it. I'll have to wait. And some day, I'll get tired of not making it and things will change. But I'm not there yet. I want to make it my way. So I'm making banana bread at 11:08pm. That's fine. I'm hungry anyway.

It's Time To Edit, and I'm In the Best Shape of My Life!

2009-06-29T21:10:00.003-05:00

Seriously, the best thing you can do for your body is enter into the editing process. That old gym membership will resurface from out of nowhere, and suddenly you can't edit your screenplay because you have to go workout. You can't work on your first 10, you have to do the dishes. Yeah, editing is good for basically every area of your life except the screenplay editing part. I am so well-groomed right now. I've been shaving my legs. I painted my toenails. I've been using that sunless tanner, consistently. I've been blogging! I'd be such an overwhelming success as a person right now if not for this darn screenplay I wrote and now have to fix up. I liken it to the birthing process (yes, eye rolling and sarcastic blurps akin to "how original" would be appropriate now). You birth this screenplay in all the pomp and furry of the delivery process, fast and painful, but mostly fast (this is like my third child, not that 29-hour-labor first child), and when it comes out it has all the regular baby parts, it's just looks hideous all covered in goo and what not. And I feel great because I can actually see what I've created, but then they place that thing in your arms and you get your first really good look at it and realize it'll be weeks before this baby doesn't look like some kind of alien freak. My screenplay is a little beyond alien freak. It was actually born kind of pretty, like those newborns with full heads of hair. But there's still a lot of work to do, and I want to get it done before school starts.

Oh yeah, I'm going to nursing school in the Fall. Let's not talk about that again, okay?

So as a motivational tactic, and because I've been making a habit of stealing whatever widget Sarah has, I've put in a little progress bar over to the right there. You see it now. I will update it to show my progress, if editing can be measured in terms of progress, so that you, but mostly me, can keep track of where I'm at. Hopefully, the shame of not finishing what I have already proclaimed as a certain fact, that I will finish this before that unmentionable August happening, will be sufficient enough to carry me all the way to the end of that bar. And now I must go. I have food blogs to catch up on (I started baking!).

48 Hour Film Project: meeting the first

2009-06-26T21:31:00.002-05:00

Tonight I and my writing buddy/pitch partner/manager Elizabeth (who's excellent blog you can find at the bottom right of this page) attended our first ever meet&greet for the 48 hour film project. It's pretty much how it sounds: you get a team together and write, shoot and edit a film in 48 hours. According to the guy running this one, we'll all get together on the first night and pick out of a hat the genre of our film, then everyone is given the same prop, a character, and a line of dialogue, all which must be present in each 5-7 minute film. I am excited. As a writer, this is what you do. You find people in your area who like doing the same thing as you, you join these people in whatever capacity you can, and you all do what you like to do together. And granted, given only 48 hours, this thing might be terrible, but even so the experience must be worth something. Not just one something - a lot of somethings, at the very least. I'll say it again: I am excited!

Internet Up In Here!

2009-06-24T20:20:00.002-05:00

Let's get right into it, shall we? I've been gone for a while, for a really long while. For a year while. Well, I'm back. Sorry for the delay, but moving on to bigger news: I've got internet up in my house! Most of you may miss the incredible feat this really represents, but this is the very first time I've ever in my whole adult life had internet in my very home. Can I tell you how weird it is to be posting this sitting on my couch and not drinking a $4 coffee drink? It's fantastic. I can't imagine letting my blog go for as long as I did this time around, what with the internet at my fingertips above and beyond regular midwest business hours. Crazy. All you who have had this luxury for so long, revisit the magic, the wonder of the world wide web, if only to remind yourselves of how excellent it is, because excellent it truly is. I try not to ascribe the word "love" to inanimate objects, but I love this internet!

Interest!

2008-08-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's correct - an agent (or rather, a reader for, and representing an agent) is interested in viewing the first 50 pages of my manuscript. As Mrs. Bennett would say, I am extremely diverted! Actually, I am very excited, hopeful, leery, optimistic, doubtful, and hungry at the same time. Still, the fact that the very idea of my manuscript has generated even the slightest of interest (and an email form letter could very well be described as the slightest of interest) is exactly what I would have wished (again, a Jane Austen-ism). So off it goes, my manila envelope containing pages and pages of hard work and lofty dreams (okay, without Lady Jane, I might as well stop).

I'm excited!

3 Things That Really Chap My Hide

2008-08-05T20:22:00.001-05:00

1. Salesmen who inform you of hidden costs only after you have picked out a cool new cell phone to replace your old ugly one. Last weekend at the Legends, I was informed by a slightly too-elderly-to-be-selling-cell-phones gentleman that in addition to paying for the phone I had just picked out, I would also need to pay an $18 processing fee to update my account. $18 dollars to spend $124 dollars on a phone that was advertised as $49.99. So, in essence, I am expected to pay $18 so that I can then spend $124 dollars on a phone that is apparently only worth about $50. Is that so?

2. It doesn't matter what #2 is, I'm talking about an establishment that expects customers to pay in order to pay, to spend money in order to spend money. What business can possibly stay afloat with tactics like these? I mean, what is a processing fee supposed to cover? The old man behind the counter punches a few keys and for that I'm supposed to pay $18? Or is there some kind of Cingular/AT&T monkey that must be fed a constant stream of organic bananas to keep him pushing the "processing button?" Is there a trainer involved? Am I buying his lunch too? Androids? Small children? Who is doing this "processing," if not the computer itself which, I'm sorry, but does not deserve a tip for doing its job. It's a computer! There is no such thing as "processing expenses," therefore there is no such thing as a processing fee, and therefore I refuse to pay it.

3. Did this guy really expect me to spend $124 on a $50 phone, after paying him an $18 processing fee for an account that costs me nearly $100 dollars a month to maintain? The sense of self-importance that I was counting on with the purchase of a brand new sleek and silver LG Shine can wait! I will not be taken advantage of by these thieving wireless companies with their Kung Fu grip on the ego of society. I don't care. Though I must use it in secret, or hide it behind a cardboard cut-out of a Blackberry, I will continue to use my old, ugly, hideously uncool black flip phone until the insanity has ceased. I will not monetarily contribute to the idea that this is okay. I am not spending more than a phone is worth, I am not mailing in a rebate, and I am not - I repeat, am not paying a processing fee! Until we all say it, I won't get a cool new phone. Back me up America! I need an LG Shine! Make it happen.

A Word About Agent Queries

2008-08-01T12:51:00.000-05:00

In a word, they're frustrating. Be original without being cute, be confident without being cocky, condense the last two years of toiling over a hot laptop into a single paragraph and yet still convey just how brilliant and original your work really is. Impossible. Even with only 31 queries under my belt, I have come to the realization that the little extras you put in there, the catchy first sentence, the references to stuff you found on their website to prove that you've actually been to their website, it all does very little, if anything to increase your chances of capturing their attention. Your work alone must do it, and do it in 4-5 sentences. 46,600 words in 60. Impossible. Well, I'm sick of it. I've decided to cut right to the point. No cheeky little openings, no material-related statistics, just the facts. Here's what I got, here's what it's about, here's who I am, how to contact me, thank you good night. If they like it, they like it, and if they don't (a much more plausible scenario), then hang it all I tried. I put myself out there, even though I am continuous and relentlessly, and sometimes even rudely, rejected. I'll not belabor my plea, which in essence is what a query truly is: a very serious, properly formatted, well-constructed beggar's beg to be singled out among the rest of the masses. Desire without desperation, a plea without pleading. A question without any hope of a favorable answer. Like asking your dad for a new bike when you know, oh you just know good and well, that you're getting your brother's old used up one. You just know it.

I Am Sooooo Green

2008-07-27T16:21:00.001-05:00

I realize this is a marked deviation from my usual, and very strict policy of sticking to the theme of the blog, that is my quest to become a published author. But some things are just too important to be ignored, like our environment. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I'm just kidding. No, seriously though, I did get these bags at Hyvee for $0.99 a piece. They are bright, quite sturdy, and cut down on the use of plastic bags. My groceries actually look better in these things. And, you can fit like twice as much stuff in one of these than a regular plastic bag, and these handles will never break, dropping your glass bottles of spaghetti sauce to burst open on the kitchen floor. The handles are also very thick and wide, unlike the plastic bags, the handles of which stretch under the weight of your cartons of ice cream, creating a thin string of plastic which acts like a tournaquet against your aching fingers. They feel good, they look good, they're good for the environment. You also get $0.04 per bag off your purchase every time you use them. $0.04! Hey, it adds up, okay!

School Shmool

2008-07-21T14:04:00.000-05:00

Hang it all, why should I go to school? To better myself? To raise my standard of living? I think I'm good enough already, you're welcome, and my standard of living is high enough. No, today I say nay to it. Nay to school, nay to homework, nay to stuffy classrooms and stuffy professors and stuffy students with over-inflated senses of self-esteem, and nay to the naysayers who would say that I should do otherwise. Today I won't do it. Today I refuse, outright, regardless of what educational convention dictates. Today I stand here and say to you that I am an immovable force against the corruption and money grubbing facilitated by our government through the higher education system. Today I do not yield.

Tomorrow, inevitably, is another story.

Internet Rejection

2008-07-09T11:32:00.001-05:00

I imagine literary agent offices to be a busy place, a flurry of papers and fax machines and computers all being overloaded with query letters, like mine, being hastily rejected, like mine. I know agents are busy, and the lackeys that read our lowly query letters even more so, but is it really too much to ask that they actually read the query? Really? Take my most recent rejection as an example:

Dear Joselyn Martin:
Thank you for your query letter. I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed with fiction submissions and the novel you outline didn’t pique my interest enough to add to my pile of manuscripts. Good luck to you.
Yours,
Mickey Choate

Wait, wait, wait. Fiction? Novel? My manuscript? The word "true" appears right in the title! The query begins "My non-fiction work." Are you telling me that after going to the library to look you up in the Writer's Market, going to your website, doing my homework, crafting a personal query letter, affixing two stamps, one for the return envelope which you didn't even use, you can't even click on the correct rejection template? Really? My reply:

Dear Mr. Choate:
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back with you, but I have spent the time pouring over my manuscript and I cannot agree with your assessment. Try as I may to see this as a fiction manuscript, I can quite clearly recall each detail as it happened to me, and so I am afraid I am forced to differ with you. It is indeed non-fiction. I hope you will understand. The word "novel" also is ill suited for my work, as it is not an actual novel, but again non-fiction. Perhaps this rejection has reached me in error. If so, a reply is not necessary as I am much overwhelmed with my pile of rejections at the moment.
Yours,
Joselyn Martin

I await a reply.

The Art of Editing, OR Shoot Me Now and Get It Over With

2008-06-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

Yes, only during the editing process can you truly appreciate just how pathetic and ill-equipped you are to produce anything of value to society. At no other time does the author have instilled in them a true loathing of oneself, a loathing rivalled only by the rejection of certain literary agents who shall at present remain nameless. Ah, I remember the good old days, when the creativity flowed through my nimble fingertips onto unsuspecting pages, transforming them into brilliant, living things with emotions and passions, and carefully constructed dialogue. Upon reviewing this masterpiece, however, I have discovered very little that does not reduce me to tears, or worse yet, nausea. Suddenly, this wonder that I have constructed, on further investigation, appears to be nothing more than a clumsy disaster, one that seems barely salvageable. But salvage it I must. Though every scene makes me cringe in the thought that it came from my own inadequate imagination, a disgrace to the very electronic device it was typed on, I shall press forward. I shall right this wrong. I shall avenge my former self who, with compromised judgment to say the least, brought forth on this planet such a compost of bile and dross! It shall be made clean!

I Learn Real Good Now!

2008-06-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

Against my own judgment (the lazier part of it, I'm sure), I have decided to continue my education passed...well...high school and some college coursework. This of course sucks in so very many ways, first of which being that the time I have previously devoted to writing and agent-finding must now be divided between homework, online coursework, studying for online coursework, and getting angry because my online coursework is taking away so much time from my writing and agent-finding. Then there's the financial strain, even being that it is community college they still think very highly of their super high school status. But what really gets me about the whole thing is this idea that unless I spend countless hours and nauseating amounts of money on classroom study that will, on average, prepare me for about 0.01% of the actual skills required to perform the job I intend to pursue, I still can't get said job until I finish this meaningless coursework. Ridiculous! I am confident that if thrown into the very position I will spend innumerable units of energy and years of meaningless lectures on, I would be able to master all that is required of me within a few months. A few months, as opposed to years. And I would be getting paid, instead of paying. But no, the scholarly institutions of our time have struck some kind of sick deal with the government, the state, the underground minions of torturous boredom, wherein all peoples wanting to better themselves (that is, rise above minimum wage) must undergo the punishment that is the continuing educational system. I have revolted against it as long as I could. I am not proud of myself for choosing to jump through these tainted, expensive hoops, but there it is. I will continue to write, continue to seek publication. I will also excel in my studies, all the while hoping against very dismal odds that this backup plan of degrees and regular employment will somehow become the backup plan I didn't have to use after all.

Back!

2008-06-03T19:01:00.000-05:00

I spent all of April working feverishly to finish a screenplay, spent the beginning of May rejoicing and recuperating, spent the end of May in Texas, and now that it is June the time has come to leap back into action! The editing process is underway, and most important to this blog, the query letters are ticking once again. Onward and upward. Can't let accomplishment stifle the unbearable longing for yet more accomplishment. Let the rejections start flowing in anew, I will not be detoured!

Did It!

2008-05-10T16:27:00.001-05:00

Fade Out. It's over, and I did it. I finished my screenplay. It's good too. I mean, it won't be great until a few months from now when all my meticulous editing can overpower the loose ends creative energy often leaves behind, and after realizing this isn't working, I send it off for some professional help. But I did it. I can now turn my attention back to the relentless pursuit of a literary agent. Yes, the considerably less rewarding task of generating form letters from uninterested agents will once again enter into my life and the happy sleep of creativity and satisfaction will leave through the same door. Had I any idea of my hard work eventually paying off perhaps I would be more eager to continue, but as it is I've been dreading it. Regardless, it is time to press on. I've updated the website, and collected yet more names and addresses of literary agents so that I may subject them to the suggestion that my book is for them, to which they will laugh heartily. Time to restock the freezer with various items of a chocolate base.

On Hiatus

2008-04-11T12:43:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have been missing my blog entries lately (Julia, Dad), I should mention that for the entire month of April I have taken off the pursuit of yet more rejections in favor of creative writing. I am participating in ScriptFrenzy (http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/). It's for screenwriters, playwrights, TV writers who want to connect with others in their area who share this interest. The month of April is script writing month, where members commit to 100 pages by the end of the month. Today I am on page 46. Next month I will be back, however. Back into the trenches where shots of insecurity whizz ever so often passed my ears.

Kindly Rejection

2008-03-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

I must make a note here that Miriam Altshuler of Miriam Altshuler Literary Agency has sent me the kindest rejection letter that I ever expect to receive. She called me a "talented" and "humorous" writer, and I am very surprised and warmed by the fact that she took time out to reject me in a proper and respectful way. Someday, I would like to work with this woman.

Back On Track

2008-03-14T19:14:00.001-05:00

I will admit, I took a little detour there for a few weeks. But, finding that the road of self-pity and over-eating is a sad and lonely one, I have returned with new resolve and a spirit of irrational determination. Yesterday I unleashed a veritable blitz of Query letters, six in one day, and I feel all the accomplishment that certain, yet postponed rejection can possibly allow. I will not be silenced. I refuse all the fleeting emotions of apathy and defeat, and instead I willingly accept the victory I know is hiding somewhere behind all this mess of No's.

Failure Deferred

2008-03-02T17:46:00.000-06:00

I give up. I mean really, how much longer am I expected to withstand this constant bludgeoning to my self-esteem? This violent deference, from which I am supposed to glean some kind of constructive criticism. Just as the burning amber of my hope is fanned into a small flame by some show of interest, it is subsequently dowsed with gallons and gallons of icy cold water - snuffed out without any hint of a rekindle (Miriam Altshuler, you broke my heart). Granted, I have only officially received three rejections, but the fourth is on its way, and already, at this very early stage, I almost want to throw my hands up and go back to a life of ambiguity (or return to my life of ambiguity, rather). I know I have to press on, not because anyone is counting on me, but because I can't stand the thought of not succeeding, and as long as I am still engaged in this futile effort, as hopeless as it may be, I have still managed to defer failure.

Interest!

2008-02-16T19:52:00.000-06:00

Alert! Alert! An agent has shown interest in my work, and requested that I send her the first 50-100 pages of my manuscript. Being that this was only my second query ever, when I arrived home last night to see the return envelope sitting on my desk I fully expected outright rejection. On opening it, I was excited to see that this rejection was at least signed by the agent herself, and on further inspection I realized that it was not a rejection at all, but a request to see more of my work. Miriam Altshuler, I knew I liked you. Of course, this is by no means a positive indication of what is to come. My 99 pages and the $12 it cost to mail them may all be returned to me without any chance of representation, but I can't tell you how cool it feels to write "Requested Material" on that envelope. Like a secret code that means "push me to the front of the line people - Miriam is expecting me." Even if nothing comes of it, this request to read more is an indication to me that the very idea of my book is enough to elicit interest, and that it is not a silly piece of nonfiction that only myself would be interested in, as is often my fear as I lay awake at night grinding my teeth together thinking "hey, I'm not supposed to grind my teeth. All those horrible things the dentist told me would happen. Oh, why didn't I just buy that mouthguard - it wasn't that expensive. I just kept thinking about all the postage I was going to have to cough up and I thought 'I can stop grinding my teeth whenever I want,' and now look at me, lying awake in lock-jaw position just asking for dentures. Four and a half years of braces down the toilet."

Small Successes

2008-02-16T19:34:00.001-06:00

When in the midst of a lengthy process such as getting published, it is important to maintain a steady stream of small, if not very small successes. In my particular case, success is when I need only send a query letter, as opposed to a whole proposal package, therefore cutting down on postage costs, which prolongs my life since then I will be able to buy groceries. Or, as happened just this week, I am able to use sample chapters returned by one agent, in a proposal package for another agent since the pages are still in such good shape. Lastly, I am quite proud of myself for successfully mailing off not one, but two queries this week, thus speeding along the process. Although, statistically speaking, twice as many queries will only result in twice as many rejections, I am willing to take the long-term risk for the short-term feeling of actual accomplishment.

Query #2

2008-02-08T20:39:00.000-06:00

This week's lucky agent is Miriam Altshuler of Miriam Altshuler Literary Agency. Ms. Altshuler is a favorite of mine already, just for the simple fact that she asks only for a Query letter. Instead of stuffing a manila envelope with thirty pages worth of outline and sample chapters, affixing a four dollar postage to it, only to have it all come back to you in another envelope (which you also posted) with a postcard sized generic rejection attached, I can simply take a plain white letter envelope, slap a stamp on it, and send it on it's merry way. Sure it will come back. Sure it will be accompanied by a non-specific rejection of some sort, but I'll know in my heart that I did my very best in that Query letter, and that all together that rejection only cost me $0.82. So thank you, Miriam Altshuler of Miriam Altshuler Literary Agency. I respect your preferences.

Pint-Size Rejection

2008-02-08T19:53:00.001-06:00

How big is rejection? Well, if your Balkin Agency Inc., it's about the size of a postcard. A small postcard. A really sad, disappointed, going to eat all the ice cream in the freezer tonight postcard. I guess for my first rejection I had expected something a little more personal. Maybe a form letter, or a handwritten note at the end of my chapter outline. Of course, that would be ridiculous, since I suspect that the Balkin Agency employee unfortunate enough to read my proposal probably didn't get passed the second paragraph of my Query letter. Alas, it begins - the inevitable series of cold, impersonal, uninterested rejections. You know it's coming, and yet somehow it catches you off guard. Oh well. Chin up. Keep writing. Keep sending those letters and outlines and sample chapters and maybe, maaaaaaybe, some sleep deprived, overworked, over-caffeinated agent employee may accidentally, on dropping his bifocals, mark the "acceptance" box instead of the "sorry, you're just not what we're looking for - you ugly, pathetic, no talent hag" box.

Query #1

2008-01-30T19:23:00.000-06:00

Yes, in this quest to become a published author, rather than navigate the dark hollows of certain failure alone, I choose to get some help. Therefore, this morning I sent out what will be one of many agent queries in the hopes that some industry professional will be smitten with my work and not use it as potty liner for his miniature dachshund. Statistically speaking, this is highly unlikely, however I will simply have to keep trying. My first attempt is going to Balkin Agency, Inc., where Rick Balkin is the president, and is interested solely in works of nonfiction. Many of the books I found that Mr. Balkin got published were historical, and looked as if they involved a lot of research. I only have one chapter involving research, and even then I put the word in quotes. But what made me think Mr. Balkin and I might make a good match is where he says that anything witty, truly unique, or a labor of love is "grist for my mill." I don't know what grist is, but I do hope that he finds my work witty. Unfortunately, the cold hard reality is that this will be a long process, and so I've started a kind of ticker to the right so that all interested parties (mom, dad, Cheryl) may follow my progress.

It Starts

2008-01-20T19:45:00.000-06:00

It's here. The final, official Temp manuscript. I'm told to enjoy these feelings of self-worth and accomplishment because once I start the grueling process of getting published all my happy feelings will leave me and be replaced by defeatism and certain doom. In fact, I just started this blog thing and I already feel like I don't have anything interesting to say. I suppose this is more an expectation of things to come - a hopeful guess that at some point, maybe on more than one occasion, I will have very interesting and entertaining things to share with those who are aware of my Internet existence, and they will be rewarded with many a funny metaphor. As it is, I have a lot of work to do. As frustrating as it is to acknowledge this, the real possibility exists that it may take me years to get any interest in my manuscript, if there is any interest at all, which is highly unlikely, and this blog will become very sad and depressing for everyone. Here would be a good place for some kind of pledge or promise that no matter how hard it gets I'll keep it upbeat and positive so that the rest of you writers out there can be encouraged rather than scared out of ever trying. Well, here we go. Here I go.